The full circle.

   I'll just start by apologizing for being an asshole and not keeping my blog up. I have had several people comment on how much they missed the updated on the baby growing process. This pregnancy was pretty easy. Baby wise there was nothing out of the ordinary to report. The biggest difference I noticed was that since I worked 40 hours a week up to 39 weeks, I was TIRED! I was huge and it was a little harder to get around but I managed. Now my personal life has been a whirlwind over the last few months! After 3 months of dating Brandon and I got engaged. So in addition to growing a baby, working, planning a trip to Paris and being mom, we are planning a wedding. May 27th we will get married on the beach in Crescent City and my dad will perform the ceremony. This date is extra special because it was my grandparents anniversary. There have been some negative comments for sure, this is my third marriage, my divorce was just final at the beginning of December, and the big one is that when we get married we will have been together for a little over a year, but I don't have a single hesitation. I haven't been happier. Blending 5 kids has been a struggle but I think we are doing pretty well. We make a good team and he has been amazing throughout the whole pregnancy.
  Now it wouldn't be complete if I didn't share about the proposal. With both of us being divorced we started the relationship pretty much never wanting to be married again. But as things quickly progressed it didn't seem so scary. Then one day as we were talking about maybe doing a "commitment ceremony" there was a shift in thinking. Brandon had mentioned wanting me to take his name. While I was flattered, that is a huge pain and expense if we weren't legally married. We had talked about the pros and cons a few times. I  was sure at this point that I wanted to be Brandon's wife. He was a little more cautious. I wanted him to be sure as well, like 100%, no doubts sure, not just get married because it seemed like a good idea. On the phone one night as we talked he said something along the lines of how getting legally married wouldn't be that bad. I didn't say much but the next day I kind of gave him an out and acknowledge that I had heard his words but that it was ok if he had said that just in a moment of some sort of weakness. From that day on he was 100% in as well. We started planning pretty much right away. I knew the date I wanted, he agreed. We kept it pretty quiet for a bit. We told our kids, then our parents. He even asked my dad for his blessing. We knew that we wanted to get married on the beach, and since we are getting married on a holiday weekend we took a trip to the coast and booked our venue... all BEFORE we were actually engaged! I knew that he would do a proper proposal, he knew this was important to me. But I didn't know when or where. We had planned our first combined family camping trip for labor day. Brandon and the girls had been planning a surprise proposal behind my back! We had talked about doing engagement pictures on the beach, without being engaged yet, so Kaylee brought her camera. We went down to my favorite beach and the girls watched the little kids while Brandon and I took a walk. When we got back the kids were all sitting on the beach together, which I thought was odd. Then Brandon pulled me into a heart made from flowers and proposed in front of the kids and a bunch of people on the beach. It was perfect and I was so surprised that they had pulled everything off without me suspecting anything! Here is one of the pictures Kaylee captured. It is my favorite!
 

 So back to the pregnancy... At 20ish weeks we went to UC Davis to have a level 2 ultrasound. Everything was perfect! They confirmed that I was carrying a boy, which we already knew from blood work. We left with tons of pictures. That following weekend Brandon, my mom and I met one of the daddies for a weekend in San Francisco. We had a great time exploring and catching up!

The rest of the pregnancy was pretty text book. I did test positive for group B strep which meant that I had to have some antibiotics at delivery and that the baby had to stay in the hospital for 48 hours for monitoring, but it really wasn't a big deal and the baby was fine. As I got further along I was convinced that I was going to give birth to a half grown child. Not only did I gain a lot of weight, but my stomach was HUGE! Like only 13 inches shy of me being as big around as I am tall! I had a lot of discomfort in my hips as he grew as well. Really any position would get uncomfortable after a while. Sleeping just didn't happen after 8 1/2 months. Every time I rolled over or got up to pee I was wide awake. This part was much more difficult than the last time because I continued to work full time. That took a lot more out of me than the 10-15 hours a week I worked with Isaac. By my last day I was more than ready for a break!

Here is a group picture from our dinner the night before Adam was born. Since this was my fourth pregnancy I was very paranoid that he would come early and that his parents would miss the birth. As things progressed and I got bigger and bigger I started to have a lot of braxton hicks contractions. We decided that it would be a good idea for his parents to come a little earlier than they originally planned. As it turns out babies I carry don't care how many pregnancies I have had, they like to stay put. I thought for sure when I went for my 38 week check up I would have progressed enough that my doctor would schedule an induction.... No such luck. I was 1cm dilated and 80% effaced. His plan was to check me again in a week. This was very disappointing. As much as I love being pregnant, there comes a point where you have had enough. I NEEDED sleep! And I was looking at our custody schedule with our little kids and panicking because the longer he stayed in the more likely it would be that I would be home trying to recover with 3 little kids around and I really needed some quiet time! So I started to try to encourage him to come out! I sat on my yoga ball, took walks, did lunges, got  a bikini wax, spent some time with my doula trying some massage and essential oils and continued to be pregnant. The guys were planning on coming up on the 30th so we could all have dinner together and they could go to my doctors appointment together the next day.
   We had a great dinner. It was so nice to visit. You could just feel their anticipation. I was pretty tired because as you can imagine, I did not spend my first day off relaxing. I took care of car stuff, took a nice long walk, stopping to do lunges every so often, got my taxes done.... basically all of the stuff I don't have time for while I'm working! So we called it a night and headed home.
   By the time I got home and got to bed it was after 10, then it takes forever to get comfortable so really it was after 11 when I actually fell asleep. That's when shit got real. At some point a felt a contraction that hurt, but I thought I was dreaming. I kind of dozed back off and felt another one. I didn't think much of it but since I was awake I got up to pee. I noticed that my pants were a little wet, being 39 weeks pregnant with my fourth pregnancy I wasn't too concerned. I get hot and sweat a ton at night and I figured that it was pretty possible that I had peed my pants a little. I sat up on the edge of the bed for a minute because laying down caused my hips to get so sore that I could hardly move for a few minutes. Then I stood up..... I felt a pop and a HUGE gush that kept going and going and going.... seriously like the energizer bunny. I was in complete shock, I have never had my water break on it's own, always at the hospital with the doctors help. So me being me my reaction was to stand there saying "Oh shit!" Apparently that was enough to wake Brandon up. He was smart enough to look at his phone and see that it was 1:05 am. This is important because they will ask you at the hospital what time your water broke. I really couldn't do anything but stand there and let the massive tidal waves continue to gush. Brandon described it as sounding like a water balloon had fallen out of my vagina. I just went completely dumb. I couldn't think of what I needed to do, other than pee. I still had to pee but I didn't want to move and make a bigger mess! I had Brandon get towels, like every one in the house. As he put some on the floor to soak up the lake and helped me get my pants off I started to think again. I instantly became concerned that I needed to get to the hospital so that I can get the first dose of antibiotics. Having never experienced labor like this I never made a plan with my doctor on who to call, him or the hospital, if something like this happened. I went with the hospital and told them that it was a surrogate pregnancy so they could have a big room ready. Then I tried to figure out what to put on to go to the hospital. This was a big decision. Water was still gushing out every time I moved controlled only by the towel that I tried to hold between my legs as I waddled around. I decided a long dress would work since pants would just get wet. Brandon got the rest of the stuff that we would need packed and in the car. He made sure that there were lots of towels covering the leather seats of his new Cadillac! My car was in the shop and we had the shop owners car so we decided the Caddy was the best option. I called my mom and let her know and then made the call to the dads! Now I'm sure that they realized that something was going on when I called at 1Am, but there was a little disbelief in their voice when I told them my water had broken. I also left a message for my doula to let her know we were going to the hospital. The next move was to waddle down the hall and wake the kids up. Kimberly woke up and agreed to get all of the animals taken care of before she went to school. We figured it would be a while before the baby actually came since I tend to have long labors. Kaylee was the entertaining one. She thought I was waking her up for school. She asked a few times if I was serious. I informed her that I was not up at 1am pissing myself for the enjoyment of waking her up and getting her excited, my water had really broken. Now she has been telling me all along that she was going to the hospital with me but I figured that at 1AM she would just come up later as well. Not a chance. She got up and dressed and was not leaving my side.
    I found it quite difficult to hold the towel between my legs and step up into the car but I managed. I continued to have contractions but things felt different for sure. Living as far out of town as we do the roads are not all that well maintained. I felt every bump! I was a little worried that maybe the baby was low and that is what caused my water to break so there was a bit of worry that he may fall out going over the bumps but in reality I knew there was a long way to go!  It was the longest ride ever. I was uncomfortable and trying to plan how I was going to get out of the car and up to labor and delivery without flashing my whole ass to the town or leaving a trail of puddles. As we got to the hospital I had Brandon drive up to the emergency room door, him and Kaylee were to make sure that my dress got pulled down when I got out, they totally handled that! Then he went to park and Kaylee and I went in. Now I'm pretty sure that Brandon said something to Kaylee about a wheelchair but that wasn't happening. I have seen the people that sit in hospital wheelchairs and no way was my bare ass going in one so as he parked I walked! For a brief moment I was a little self conscious of walking into the ER aka homeless night time shelter, while trying to hold a big blue towel between my legs but I got over it quickly! Kaylee and I made our way through the ER and down the hall to the elevators. I was still having contractions and they seemed to pick up while I walked. We got to labor and delivery where we did some paperwork and were taken back to a room. Before I had time to pee and change into my sexy hospital gown Brandon and the guys had made it up. The first step was to confirm that my water had really broken. I understand that it is common to pee your pants and think that your water had broken but there was so much fluid, I did not have a doubt in my mind. With the girls they checked to see if your water had broken by rubbing a tiny strip of paper on the opening of the vagina and it would change color if there was amniotic fluid present. This time they shoved a long q-tip, like the ones they do strep test with, way up inside and left it there for like a minute. Then it went into a vial and another strip that looked like a pregnancy test was put in the vial. If a line showed up it confirmed that there was amniotic fluid present. It quickly showed that I was not just peeing myself and that my water had, in fact, broken. I was quickly disappointed as my hopes of not having to be hooked up to monitors were quickly squished. I figured since I hadn't been induced there was a chance, but they said no. They hooked me up and contacted my doctor. He said that if by 5 or 6 my contractions weren't more productive he wanted me to have pitocin. This didn't surprise me, I always have to get it. Plus Adam had to make his appearance before 5 when my doctor got off. He was on call Monday night. Tuesday was none other than the ONE doctor I will not let touch me. I labored for the next few hours pretty easily. I felt the contractions but they weren't bad. At one point I tried to get some sleep before the pitocin because I knew I wouldn't sleep with it. Sleep wasn't happening anyway.
   My doula got there about the time they hooked up the pitocin. She was amazing. for the next few hours she had Brandon and I in every position you can think of. I was on the ball, lunging while holding on to him, standing with one leg on the bed lunging DURING contractions. That was the hard part. I really wanted to just freeze with the pain but she encouraged me to move with the pain and help move the baby down. At one point I was on all fours on the bed with Brandon behind me applying counter pressure to my back. It was pretty intense. To try and help me relax we played music, not just any music either, I totally labored to Luke Bryan! Kaylee was in charge of the music. The nurse was concerned that the baby was coming face up so she made me lay in bed in a few different positions to try to move him. Everyone was great. The guys were very mellow, even though one of them was super sick, Kaylee just kind of sat back and took it all in and Brandon was amazing. He was right there by my side doing whatever I needed him to do. As I laid in the bed unable to do anything to relieve the pain I began to get tired. Not like the I'm a little sleepy tired either. It was the absolute exhaustion tired. I was only dilated to 5 so I decided to get a shot in my IV for some pain relief, all it really did was make me tired between contractions. At this point everyone had left to get food but my doula. As I laid there through a couple more contractions I noticed that the nurse was having me change position a lot. She then mentioned that the baby did not like the shot. I decided then that it was time to get the epidural. The baby needed to come out, we were both tired and getting stressed at this point. So by the time everyone got back into the room I was feeling very little of the contractions. We had called to get Kimberly out of school and called my mom to let her know it wouldn't be long. That is typically what happens with me, once I get the epidural and relax I dilate and the baby comes pretty fast. I have to admit that I was a little disappointed in myself for getting the epidural and not continuing drug free but I accepted that I was exhausted and the baby needed to come soon.
    With this being my fourth delivery I was pretty aware of how the epidural affects me. I was concerned that it may be scary for Kaylee so I tried to warn her. I told her that I would dilate quickly and that I would start to shiver as things got closer and that's exactly what happened. I went from 5 to 8 in just a half hour or so. Within another half hour I was fully dilated. But my mom wasn't there yet! As I started to push the girls kept texting her, she was on her way. I was surprised at the roles that the girls took during delivery. Kimberly sat back with the babys parents and Kaylee and Brandon each held one of my legs. I pushed for a long time with the nurse. I WAS SO TIRED... I really started to worry that I was not going to be able to push him out. We knew he was big and I did not feel like I had the energy to push anymore. We made a little progress, as I pushed everyone was able to look and see his head and that he had hair. I have to admit it was a little wierd to have everyone checking out my gaping vagina to see the babys' head but at that point I really didn't care. The pope himself could have been in there and it wouldn't have mattered. I pushed for about an hour before they called my doctor, they were not positive that he had turned from face up. At some point my mom did arrive and took her place by my head. I was waiting for them to kick people out but they let me keep everyone. I delivered with my mom, Kaylee, Kimberly, my doula, Brandon and both parents by my side.
   As we waited for Dr. Van Kirk to arrive the nurse had me only push with every other contraction. I found out later that the pitocin was causing me to have too many contractions and I was too exhausted to keep pushing with every contraction and so little progress. When Dr. VanKirk arrived he watched as I pushed through one contraction and then took his typical place at the foot of the bed with both hands elbows deep in my vagina.... thank GOD for the epidural.... As I pushed he pulled and moved the baby. He was able to confirm that he was in the proper position but he was struggling to make it under by bones. After a couple of contractions with the doctors help the babys head made it under the bones and into the birth canal. As he crowned the nurse stood on a stool and manipulated my belly as I pushed. I guess because of how much I gained they were concerned that his shoulders could get stuck. After more than an hour and a half and 11 hours of labor baby Adam made it into the world at 11:45am!

This moment was pretty emotional for me. Birth is always a beautiful thing, but this time I really had doubts on if I was going to be able to have a vaginal delivery. It was also very special to share the birth with my girls and Brandon. They had been there through the whole process, from meds to helping me as I got too big and uncomfortable to do things myself. This was the first vaginal delivery Brandon had been a part of as well. I wasn't sure how he would handle seeing me in pain and then all of the gory details of birth but he was amazing. He was so calm and supportive through it all. And who could have a baby without their mom there? Even though it wasn't my baby and I am 35 years old, there is something comforting about having my mom with me as I bring a life into the world. And the babys' parents were like old pros. Since we had been through the process before it was less awkward than the first time but just as special as they got to meet their baby!

This is another one of my favorite pictures. This is our final visit before I went home from the hospital. I feel like it is a pretty accurate representation of how exhausted I was. I had been up since 1am after only 3 hours of sleep and pushed a huge baby out! The kids took little power naps but sleep wasn't happening for me. Because it was an uncomplicated vaginal birth I got to  go home just a little before 7pm. Just about 7 hours after giving birth. As soon as we were released we went to Tortilla Flats for dinner and margaritas! 

 All through the pregnancy I was unsure if I would pump or not, but I was leaning towards not. Until I got home. Then I decided that I wanted the help losing weight and getting my body back so the day after delivery I started pumping. At first it was 4 times a day but I quickly went down to 3. Even at only 3 times a day I pump around 60 ounces. I found a local baby that will take the milk. Pumping is quickly growing old. It is very demanding and time consuming. About a week after delivery I caught a cold which went into a sinus/ear infection. The meds I could take to relieve the discomfort affect milk supply so I won't take them. Now, 3 weeks after taking antibiotics I still cannot hear! After a visit to my ENT he encouraged me to take a decongestant which will dry out the fluid in my ear so I can hear again, but it may also dry up my milk supply. As much as I dislike pumping, I am a little sad and feeling guilty. I am not quite ready to commit to weaning. I see so many women who pump like crazy to get less milk than what I make with very little effort. Then I see the baby that gets my milk and I feel guilty that I have the ability to continue to help him, but for selfish reasons I want to stop. There are also some perks to pumping. 3 times a day I have HUGE perky boobs. I like having a supply on hand when we need it. So far just about everyone in the house has had some sort of breast milk treatment for an illness or injury. The kids have even shared milk with friends that they thought needed it. When I do stop I'll be sure to keep some on hand for all of those things. But pumping is painful and there are restrictions on what I can put into my body. Then there is the pump to lug around if I'll be out at pumping time, scheduling so I can pump, and all of the washing, sanitizing and storing. It is a lot to add to myself right now. I am also nervous about weaning. I am off for a few more days so I can get a start on the engorgement and leaking that I am sure to get. I also worry about getting mastitis, shat shit is miserable! Its a big decision that I have been struggling with since before I delivered.

    SOOO, recovery.... After I had Isaac I really had to be reminded that I had just delivered. That was not the case with this one. I have had a more difficult recovery this time. Physically I have had more discomfort. For the first week or so my hips/lower back continued to hurt. I had thought that maybe they were out of alignment or something but then I read about sciatic nerve pain and it sounds like it could have been that too. Whatever it was, the pain is gone now. I did lose quite a bit of weight quickly, about 35 pounds. I can now get my pre-pregnancy jeans on. They are snug, but buttoned. I still have about 40 pounds to get to where I was when I started meds though. I also had some discomfort from an abdominal separation. I noticed a bump on my upper stomach pretty early on and basically the abdominal muscles separated. I guess it is pretty common and gets worse with each pregnancy. If it doesn't get better after delivery it can be surgically repaired when I am done having babies. I don't notice it as much now, but the first couple of weeks after delivery it felt like my guts were falling out. I got a belly binder that helps, but my sensory quirks keep me from wearing that a lot. It basically squeezes everything back together. In addition to being squeezy, it is kind of itch and rolls up or down when I move which usually results in it's prompt removal. I have also continued to have bleeding off and on much longer than I did with the previous deliveries. I'm sure it is because I do too much. I have every intention of resting but it seems that there is always something someone needs or something that I have to do. It has been that way from the day I after I delivered. Before I left the hospital blood work that they needed was not done so I had to go back to my ob the next day and get the orders, then go back to the hospital to do the draw. Then while we were in Redding we got a few things that we needed to do done... that is pretty much my daily routine. I will have one thing to do which quickly turns into just doing a few more things since I am out anyway. I have also felt that this time other people have forgotten that I just delivered and that I should be recovering. Everyone's words say  that they know that I had a baby but their actions and demands do not. Those things simply say "you are the mom, keep doing everything you always do". I don't think anyone intends to put so much on me. I'm sure that they figure that having me do one thing won't hurt, but when it's multiple people that want one thing it adds up to me being exhausted and overwhelmed.

   And here is the part I have kept pretty quiet, the emotional recovery. It has been rough this time. Not anything specific to the baby, if anything that was easier this time. I know that he has amazing parents and that I will get to continue to watch both boys grow. It has just been life that is getting me. I find that I have very little ability to cope with anything. I get mad easy, I cry easy, I am having a daily battle with myself. A lot of times I just want to hide from everyone and when we have all of the little kids, that is what I do. I just sit in our room. I can't handle the noise or whining or fighting or messes. I do what I need to do, but its a struggle. I am still so tired. I would love to sleep a day away but my boobs won't let me! I am also having the body image battle that I expected. It is a challenge to have a postpartum body without a baby. I can see that my body is going back to pre-baby I just have to remind myself that it has only been 4 weeks since I gave birth to an almost 10 pound baby. Brandon has been great, he really does try to help, but even that is a challenge for me. I am used to doing things on my own, its hard to let go of a little control and let him help. I feel guilty that so much of the household responsibilities have fallen on him, especially now when he works all day and then has to do so much at home. I try to objectively look and make a decision on if I need to get more help. If I was wearing my therapist hat and someone was telling me they felt the way I do I would probably lean towards postpartum depression. I know that hormonal changes are playing a role too. As is my need to take care of everyone and everything and my high standards. I am trying to make an effort to recognize what I need to do to feel ok again and to really do it, hence me still being off work. Last week I'm pretty sure I cried every day. My plan was to only be off 3 weeks. My postpartum check up was scheduled for 3 weeks and 2 days so I really was planning to go back this week, just shy of 4 weeks. With the support of some fellow surrogates who helped me not feel as guilty for needing more time, and Brandon's support and encouragement to take care of myself, I was able to accept that I was not ready to go back. The little kids are not here this week so I have a little bit of quiet time. My hope is to have time to relax and rest, but that is not looking so promising. What I really need is a weekend of self care on the beach but thanks to the roads being closed that is not very easy to do. I have seriously thought about it though, a 5-6 hour drive may be worth it to soothe my soul. That has always been my coping tool, when life gets to be too much I just need a day at the beach. But there are other things to consider now too, like paying for a wedding and a trip to Paris, plus two kids graduating. Once again, I will put my needs aside for everyone else. If I didn't I'd probably sit on the beach feeling guilty anyway. We have done little things, we went on a nice date, Brandon helps as much as he can, we have talked to the kids about helping too. With the kids it's really just easier and less stressful for me to continue to do everything. To get them to help I have to specifically ask them to do something which may lead to an argument of "that's not my job" or they will do it "in a minute" which leads to it driving me crazy until I just do it. So right now things are a little tough. I know it will get better as hormones stabilize and we all adjust to me not being pregnant again. Not being 100% ok is a scary place for me because I remember how bad things got during my first divorce when I got really depressed. That is why Brandon and I talk about how I am doing, he is aware and making sure I am really ok and tries to recognize when I am barely holding on. I know that I am not dealing with everything alone this time, I have someone by my side to help and to step in if I start to struggle too much. 

   The plan after this pregnancy was to be able to take the girls to Paris. I want them not only to get to see the babies and what a beautiful place they live in, but to experience a trip out of the US and see all of the beauty of another country and culture. We have booked our plane tickets and ordered passports! I can't wait for them to experience Paris. I know for me there was a "Holy shit, we are in another country across the world from small town Cottonwood"  moment when we arrived. The whole trip was like that. I could not believe that I was actually getting to experience a trip like that. It makes me so happy that Brandon and I will get to share that experience with the girls. He has never been out of the country either. We are going just about 7 weeks after we get married so it will be like a honeymoon for us.... with kids..... Maybe we will be able to get away for a date in Paris!

   I am asked all the time if I am done or if I would carry again. I would like to carry one more time. If not for this family again I have an idea of what I would look for to rematch. We have plenty of time to think about it. I have to drop about 40 pounds before I can re-screen and my doctor wants a year between pregnancies. The agency will contact me at 4 months postpartum and ask if I want to carry again. There is a lot to get through before that time comes! For now, I am working on adjusting to not being pregnant again and all of the changes in my life that I have going on right now.

  Thank you to everyone who has supported us through these journeys, we have been able to make a couples dreams of parenthood come true.... TWICE! Growing a family has definitely been a team effort.

The first trimester

I have noticed that just as with baby books when you have multiple kids, I am slacking on blogging on this journey. Some of it is just time. Between kids and work and a new relationship I stay pretty busy. And I am tired!! For the first 5 weeks or so I was pretty nauseous but have only thrown up a few times, which is much better than I was with Isaac. Overall I feel pretty good as long as it is not too hot and I can take a nap! I was a little concerned about being pregnant and a single mom but I have had a lot of help. I have had to let go of some of my issues with the house, it is usually messier than I like but with my kids and all of the extras that I usually have it's hard to keep up! I don't feel as moody as I was in the beginning. I think everyone was a little scared for a few weeks! I was tired and didn't feel good most of the day, I was either crying or mad a lot of the time. Nothing like a pregnancy with extra hormones to test a new relationship, but so far so good. He has been a trooper through the mood swings and exhaustion.
  So far we have had 3 ultrasounds and everything looks good. There is one macaroon that continues to measure right on schedule with a strong heart beat of 150 bpm. Here is the 6 week ultrasound. It was so moving to get to see the baby's heartbeat and get proof that I really am pregnant and not just going crazy!

I found the 8 week ultrasound to be a relief. I had been concerned because I had been feeling sick most of the day up to 7 weeks, then it all stopped and I felt good. Everything was prefect. I was able to stop shots after this appointment. While this was a relief because I still had big knots, I was really hoping to stop the vaginal suppositories aka chalk rockets. Those are horrible and gross. I even asked if I could stop them and continue shots but I was told no... I had also still been struggling with my blood pressure, but only at the OB's office. I really don't think that he believed me that my high blood pressure was anxiety based even with a note from a doctor. I was concerned that I would not be cleared for another pregnancy if I could not get my bp under control. This appointment was no exception, bp was high. The highlight of this appointment was taking my niece and mom. Specifically my mother. I am sure that I had told her that it was a vaginal ultrasound, but the look of shock on her face when she found out was priceless. Now I couldn't really care less. I have had so many people up in my junk through my pregnancies, especially surrogate ones that modesty is a thing of the past, but not for my poor mother. She was embarrassed enough for both of us! 

Here is the little 8 week macaroon. It reminds me a lot of a weeble, you know those old baby toys without legs that weeble and wobble but don't fall down?! But you can see the head more defined and the start of arms and legs. 

The 10 week ultrasound was the coolest so far. I was much more relaxed, my bp was much better this time. Dallys was with me again and just as she asked the doctor if the baby could move yet it began to wiggle around! It even looked like the baby was waving! The day after this appointment I had another blood test that will test for genetic abnormalities and also the gender! In the next week or so we will know if the macaroon is a boy or girl! I also had to schedule a level 2 ultrasound at UC Davis. I'm still lost on why but what I was told was that it is because I will be 35 when I deliver and it doesn't matter that the baby is from the egg of a 30 year old. I'm excited to have a better view of the baby and hopefully to get to spend the day with the parents AND of course eating at Rubios in Sacramento, but it seems silly to do so much testing when we have already had genetic testing. Plus it is added expense for the parents and a day I have to miss work. But, I have to do what the doctor recommends so I will be there!

Physically I notice some changes but I don't think it shows as much as with Isaac. We are able to feel the baby bump forming but really I look more fat than pregnant. I am sure that is due to the 30 extra pounds I gained on meds this time. I would be lying if I said that the weight gain didn't bother me. I remember the struggle of losing it all before and after Isaac. My goal is not to gain much this time so there isn't as much to lose. I won't have the added calorie burn of pumping this time. I don't plan on pumping unless they want milk for the macaroon. It is just too much work to pump for 30 minutes every 3 hours around the clock, clean and sanitize everything, store milk, ship milk ect. Then there are the dietary limitations of breast feeding as well to consider. I am just too busy to be willing to go through all of that again if it isn't for a baby I carry. I have resorted to living in basically anything with an elastic waistband. I tried to wear some capris that are stretchy to the coast and I was so uncomfortable that I ended up driving over with my pants undone and buying more workout pants when I got there. It is not so much that I can't get them buttoned as it is that it hurts to have the constant pressure on the grapefruit in my belly!
   Other exciting news this week at 11 weeks I was able to pick up the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler and record it for the baby's parents to hear. It is so amazing to have that proof that there is a little life growing inside of me. 
  I find that even with this being my fourth pregnancy I am much more cautious with this baby than my own. It is a big compliment to be trusted to grow someone elses baby and and I don't want to do anything wrong that could hurt the baby. I have significantly cut my caffeine, which is a challenge for sure. There have only been a few food that I have had to avoid that I would normally eat so that hasn't been bad. But its that day to day stuff I worry about, what if I trip? Walking past inconsiderate people smoking outside of stores, using both of my allergy meds, crowds where people could bump into me, it can be a bit overwhelming and I feel a bit like I try to live in a bubble. I wouldn't say that I really go THAT far, but I am more cautious. It has been a struggle to do stuff like I want to. I have so many control issues it is hard to force myself to let other people help me. I feel a bit like a dictator telling everyone what to do but so far no one has complained much. Most of the burden has fallen on my girls and Brandon but they all help whenever I need it. The girls may not always like it but they will help. Even Kimberly's boyfriend helps! If he is here he will take out the trash, help me carry in groceries and do the heavy lifting. I feel so lucky to have so many people around who not only care about me, but about the family that we are helping to grow. The baby's parents have been great too. In addition to my frequent Isaac updates and random thinking about you emails and texts I regularly get asked about how I am doing and feeling. I know that having me get pregnant at a time in my life that was so full of transitions must have been stressful for them. But as many of my family and friends have pointed out lately, I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Not ex bashing, I don't think that either George or I ever intentionally tried to make the other unhappy, but as we have both met people that compliment us we have realized how different we are and how we grew apart over the years. It is such an amazing feeling to have someone want to do the things you enjoy with you rather than because you make them. It is even better when they enjoy those things as well. It is nice to know that my home can be open for my kids and their friends to hang out and be silly without it annoying anyone, my mom can be around us without it being awkward, it is just so much less stress to have a partner that really gets me and wants to be a part of my life rather than sticks around because of a piece of paper. George is happy too, his girlfriend hates camping and loves the Chargers! I am glad that he found someone as well. There is still no drama, we all can get along. Our divorce is going along pretty simply and easily. He is also still supportive of the surrogacy and helps when I need him to. There will still be legal documents later on that he will have to sign for parentage since we were married when I got pregnant and he is still willing to do all of that as well. So yes, I am technically a single mom of 3, pregnant in my mid thirties, but I have never felt so loved and supported in my life.
It is a struggle to tell people about the pregnancy, there is always the battle of questions. I am very open about surrogacy, as I think it is important to get the good stories out there to counteract the bad ones. I also think a lot of the negativity comes from ignorance and really not knowing how things work. It drives me insane every time I am asked how much I am paid to carry a baby. First of all, it's no ones business, second the agency ensures that you are financially stable before you are even allowed to start the process to become a surrogate, but mostly  IT IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY! I am pregnant 24/7, I go through restrictions and crazy medical protocols, my family deals with it as well. The money is compensation for those things. Some of it is used to help us live more comfortably. But most of it will be used to take the girls to Europe next summer so they can experience Rome and Paris AND get to visit our surro family! Surrogacy has allowed my family to experience things that would have never been possible any other way. Aside from the relationship growth they experienced by gaining family around the world and seeing what it is like to do something for someone else, they got to experience having a stay at home mom and a week at Disneyland, plus so many little things. The other pet peeve I have is when people say what a great person I am. While it is true that not everyone can grow a baby and and then have it go home with someone else, I can. I couldn't find a good reason NOT to do this the first time and this time there was never a question, it just seemed like part of our original deal, I knew they wanted two babies and there was no way in hell I wasn't going to carry the second one too! I don't see it as something extraordinary that I do, it is an experience that I am privileged to be a part of. I enjoy being pregnant AND I get to witness a couples dream of being parents come true. I really feel like the lucky one. Especially when I get to have so much contact with them and see how happy they are and how much Isaac is growing. I hear horror stories of surros that never hear from their surro families once the baby is born, I am so lucky that is not our experience. So no, I don't think that I am doing anything worthy of praise, I am just following the path that I feel is right for me and that path happens to make other lives better, its a win-win for us all.
 Every day this baby is exposed to good things like love and laughter. It already gets lots of pokes and belly rubs and greetings. Hopefully in February the guys will take home a baby that is as happy and healthy as Isaac and he or she will continued to know that they are loved by so many people from all over the world!  

The little Macaroon

Yes, each embryo has it's own name, just as any child would. Choosing a nick name is part of the fun for my kids. So far there has been escargot, French Fry (Isaac), tator tot and now a macaroon.
   I really struggled to get excited about this cycle. I went to the appointments but could never bring myself to write about them. I didn't want to get too excited. I didn't take pictures. I didn't really even tell anyone I was cycling again. I guess I was a little numb. These appointments were so much different. Everything was perfect besides my blood pressure. My ob and I have gone rounds over my blood pressure. It is only high IN HIS OFFICE! I have gone to a regular doctor a few times now to get it checked out and it is fine. My ob thinks I am full of shit and that there is no way it can be so high in his office and fine after I leave but it is. I get so anxious over the monitoring appointments. I want things to go smoothly so badly. I know how much weighs on those appointments. I was especially nervous at these ones after my lining didn't get thick enough on the first cycle and had to grow and extra week on the second. But there was not a single issue with the lining this time, it all looked perfect. Once I got the all clear from my MD that my blood pressure was ok we were set to transfer.
  To keep up with my year of change, George and I filed for divorce and we both started dating other people. ( yes, we get along still.... no drama). I really expected it to be a challenge to find someone who would be accepting of my family, the fact that I have been married TWICE and that I am trying to get pregnant with someone else's baby. There were some creeps, but there was one that was not! There was one that turned my world and everything that I thought I wanted upside down, he gets me and accepts me and all of my baggage. We compliment each other in ways that I never imagined possible and our kids all get along, all 5 of them. So what better to do with someone that you have been dating for a month than take them to watch you get pregnant with another mans baby? When I mentioned it he didn't flinch at all and I am so glad that I have had him by my side through this process. He is even giving me most of my shots now, which I am so grateful for because it's so much easier than me doing them!
  Since I am so new at my job I wanted to take as little time off as possible.  I arranged for us to leave Friday evening and come back Sunday. I was a little nervous because the hotel that I normally stay at was booked and we had to stay somewhere else. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to find all of the places that I like from the new hotel, but we ended up being even closer to the restaurants. My other stressor was that we had to be at HRC at 6:30 am! What doctor's office opens at such a God awful time? The hotel shuttle didn't run that early so we ended up using uber. It was super easy and we got there on time. The last transfer HRC had me down to be there an hour earlier than the time on the email that I received so this time I was a little crazy about checking the times and setting an alarm.
   The morning of transfer as I start to wake up I notice how light it is. I HATE mornings so it didn't really register that it may be later than I expected for a few minutes. When I finally rolled over and looked it was 5:50, I had set a silent alarm! We had 25 minutes to get ready! Luckily there was a liter of water in the room so I could start drinking. I got dressed and brushed my hair and teeth and we were off. Part of me was a little disturbed about not showering before sitting half naked on a table for over an hour, but that part was overridden by the part that screamed "that's what you get for scheduling the procedure so fucking early".
   Once we got there we were taken back pretty quickly, and as always with me, my bladder was not full enough and I had to drink more water. I cannot seem to get it through any doctor's head that my bladder is like a balloon. It's hard to fill at first but once it starts it goes quickly. The nurse came in a few minutes later and decided that it was full enough. She said the doctor would be right in..... it felt like hours. Really it was probably just a half hour or so but by that point my bladder was super full and I am calculating how much loner I will have to hold it..... at least another half hour after the doctor comes in!! He finally came in and got everything set up. The doctor very clearly told us that we were transferring one PERFECT embryo, but when he printed the picture of my uterus after the transfer there are two little white spots. He still assured us that there was only one embryo! Now the hard part of laying on the table and trying not to think about how bad I have to pee!! Luckily this time it was only 10 minutes that I had to wait, my first journey it was 30! Once I could get up and go, someone was in the bathroom so I had to wait, and wait and wait until a nurse felt sorry for me and took me to a different bathroom. Then it was another 10 minutes of laying down and I could pee again and head back to the hotel.

   Previous transfers the bed rest about killed me, I was so bored! I have read entire books, watched seasons of shows.... it was torture! This time was much different, I guess it was the good company that I had! We watched parts of movies and napped all day long, it was so nice! I didn't have a worry in the world. Traveling back home was uneventful as well.
   Now comes the hard part.... waiting to find out if it took! This was a 5 day embryo so realistically I could get a positive 5 days after transfer. With Isaac I got positives just shy of 4 days. This time by day3 I knew I was pregnant. Much like when I was pregnant with Kimberly, there were no signs, I just knew. I took a test at day 3 and if I held it just right with light behind it I could see the faintest of lines. By day 4 in the morning I was pretty sure I could see a line if I held the test just right. By mid day on day 4 I decided that I would try a digital and just see what happened. I bought a 2 pack because I was totally expecting it to still say negative..... I took it at work and camped out in the bathroom for the longest 3 minutes of my life. Then it popped up....PREGNANT! I was seriously shocked! Even though I knew I was pregnant, I thought it was too early to get a positive on a digital. Of course that wasn't good enough, I have to keep peeing to make sure that the line gets darker, which it has! I feel pregnant too. I am tired, emotional and spend most of my day wanting to puke.

 
 Now the moment of truth.... Beta!A level of 50-100 is needed to be considered pregnant and I was at 423!!! We are officially pregnant! Next beta is in the morning and then one more before the heart beat ultrasound. The hope is that the numbers will at least double. Thank you to all of you that have asked about how things were going and offered support. I am so happy to have good news to share!

Moving on

After our transfer in March I was hopeful that Tator Tot would be our one such wonder, but that was not the case. As anyone who knows me would assume, I started taking home pregnancy tests slightly earlier than would be reasonable and got negatives. I held out hope until about day 7. With Isaac I had a positive by day 4. This one was only a 3 day embryo so I allowed a little more time but by that point I just knew. It was confirmed on April 1 that the transfer had failed. We were all very disappointed. It is a pretty sensitive subject for the parents so I will just focus on what it was like for me, as I find that writing helps me to process and from day one I wanted to do this blog to document the good and not so good parts of helping to create a family.
   After I started to suspect that I was not pregnant I still had to continue all of the medications that I was on. Let me just tell you, it is hard to continue to give yourself shots knowing that there is no point in doing it. I also cried.... a lot. My heart broke for the parents because I knew that this loss would be hard on them. I really tried to go back over everything I had done in the 12 days from transfer to beta to see if there was anything that I could have done differently, there was not. I was extremely careful this time. I was pretty depressed for a little bit. Not getting pregnant this time means that I only have a one out of three pregnancy success rate, for some reason this was really hard on me. The first time that I talked to one of the parents after we got the news was horrible. I just didn't know what to say and I was really glad that we were not Facetiming because I cried the whole time. Even though I knew that there was nothing that I could have done differently, I felt like I had let them down. I was just overwhelmed. I had a minor breakdown over not being able to start my lawn mower and a fellow surrogate and friend was there to support me. She surprised me by bringing her family over to help me with the yard work. It seems like something so simple, but it meant so much to me. I stood in my driveway with her and cried some more. I was sad over the loss of the dream, moved by a friend who cared enough to notice that I wasn't ok, and overwhelmed with all of the changes that were going on in my life. I think it is assumed that this process is easy for a surrogate because we know what we have signed up for, but it is not. Once you decide that this is what you want to do, your heart and soul is in it. Over 3 years ago I sat with D&G as we talked about their hopes and dreams as parents and I agreed to be a part of that journey. Seeing them with Isaac just seals the deal. There is no way I would allow anyone to make me feel guilty for choosing to help create a family for someone else. All of the emotional and physical struggles are worth it the second that they meet their baby. I will never forget the moment that Isaac was born and placed on my stomach and all three of us held him together or witnessing his parents adoring looks as the got to really see him for the first time. That was the instant that I realized that any discomfort that I experienced was temporary, and a distant memory. Helping make D&G's dreams of being parents has been not only one of my proudest accomplishments but also one of the most rewarding. Not getting pregnant this time may have been easier to deal with if I didn't have such a strong connection to my surro family, but that is not the case. There is a piece of my heart in Paris.
  It has taken me a month to be able to even write about the failed transfer. I have had several people ask so I figured that it was time to do what I always do and pick up the pieces and move on. We have another transfer planned for the end of May. I have my first monitoring appointment next week. I would be lying if I said that I was not nervous. I just started a new job 3 weeks ago and I am already asking for time off for the doctors appointments, but I am cautious about telling my employer that the appointments are to prepare to try and get pregnant for someone else since I have already lost one job after disclosing that information. Then there is the fear that there will be issues with my lining not getting thick enough again and of course the ultimate fear that I won't get pregnant again. I am trying to stay positive. I know that the whole process is just an educated guess by the doctors to get the timing and conditions perfect and that the fate is ultimately out of our hands. I try to look back on when I first started the process of becoming a surrogate, I had to trust that this was God's plan for me and that things would happen when they were supposed to. I am working on getting back to that thinking. I need to believe that everything happens for a reason and trust that however things turn out that it is for the best. I am hopeful that this time will be it and that we will have an uneventful cycle. I have probably the lowest stress level right now that I have had in a long time. There have been good changes and I am hopeful that this is it and that by the middle of June I will be able to write about a pregnancy again. I so miss being pregnant. Maybe not the first  8 weeks or so where everything made me throw up, but from that point forward it is amazing. There is nothing like feeling life growing inside of you. It is even more rewarding knowing that the life I will be growing is going to make another family's life even better.
  

Grow baby grow!

This journey, as was the last, has been such a roller coaster! After my lining was not quite thick enough and I was given one more week to thicken, I was super anxious. If you know me at all you know that I like routine and I was not excited about having an ultrasound somewhere other than MY Ob. I was nervous when I met the ultrasound tech. She asked if my bladder was full and I had to explain to her that it didn't need to be because I was having a vaginal ultrasound. Then she asked me what I was having checked so I had to explain that too. Then she took me down an elevator to a basement. I was shown to the restroom and told to strip from the waist down, put on a gown, THEN walk around the corner to an exam room. Super mortifying since there was a man sitting in a waiting room by the restroom. Once I got into the room the tech asked a bunch of questions and added the comment that I must get paid well to carry a baby. She then struggled to find both of my ovaries and said that my lining was a 7.6. The ultrasound that usually takes 10 minutes tops took over 30. I lwft feeling very discouraged. Then at about 4:15 I got a call from the RE's office in Pasadena saying that the imaging place could not send the pictured from my ultrasound, I would need to go and pick them up and send them myself. I left work a few minutes early and went back to the imaging center. They had already send the records to their main office. I had to go there (just a few miles away) and get the disk. After that I had to go home and figure out how to upload and send the images. The staff at the RE's office were all awaiting the results! As it turns out my lining was actually at 8.3 and I was given the all clear to start the additional meds and go to Pasadena for transfer!
  I was super nervous about starting the progesterone in oil. I remember the huge bruises and knots I got with it last time. So far the injection sites are just a little sore. I try to apply heat and rub really well. It is a difficult shot to do myself because it is so thick it is a little hard to push the plunger in when it is behind my back but I manage. I also started Endometrin which is also known as chalk rockets. That is because they look like a big chalk tablet and after they are inserted (vaginally) they proceed to  melt and ooze out. It is the nastiest feeling. I have to do 3 of those a day!!
  Traveling to Pasadena was uneventful. I left on Saturday got to explore a little and then went to bed. My instructions said to arrive at 9:15 for a 10:00 transfer and begin to drink a liter of water upon arrival. At a little after 8:30 I got a call from the RE's office asking where I was, they had the transfer down for 9:00!! I rechecked my paperwork and it very clearly said 10! We promptly left the room and caught the shuttle to HRC. I started drinking the water then and finished shortly after getting back into the room. It took a good 45 minutes though for my bladder to fill up enough, but when it did it went from empty to FULL!!

Here I am waiting for my bladder to fill. During this time I was texting the parents since we were all a little anxious. After the nurse checked me for the third time I was finally full enough. The transfer was short and sweet. The process only took a few minutes and I could pee after 10 and leave 20 minutes later.

This is the picture from transfer. The eggplant shaped dark blob is my very full bladder. Right below that is my uterus and there is a tiny little white spot that looks like a grain of rice, that is Tator Tot getting cozy. Kimberly said that it does not look like a tator tot yet but rather a potato pill.
  After that it was time to head back to the hotel and rest. I have been super cautious this time. I stayed in bed and have really been paying attention to my caffeine intake and how much I lift. Now the hardest part.... The two week wait for the official pregnancy test. The test is scheduled for April 1st of all days! We had a slight battle over home pregnancy tests. They say no test. I have no willpower. I will take home test but I wont tell them the results unless they ask. With Isaac I got a positive test a little under 4 days past transfer. This time the embryo had grown 3 days instead of 5 so I have to wait a little longer to test.

  Hopefully my next update will be about a positive

What a journey....

I titled this blog the Journey of Surrogacy, but really it is life that is the journey. I have not posted much about what is going on this cycle because honestly, I didn't want to jinx it or have to explain things over and over. The last few months have been full of ups and downs, not just with the hiccups with the surrogacy, but life in general. Sin.ce November I have lost my really good job and started a new one (making half of what I was), my husband and I separated, my daughter's car was in the shop, I adopted my diabetic cat that ended up having a $1300 emergency vet bill, and my car died and had to be replaced. It is A LOT. Many people asked why I didn't just put the surrogacy on hold, and quite honestly, carrying a sibling for Isaac is something positive that brings me joy. Yes there is physical and emotional stress, but overall being pregnant has always been when I felt the best.
   This time there is a little more need for things to be perfect. This cycle has started out anything but perfect. After our last cycle was dropped I was told to stop all meds, go on birth control for 2 weeks and then we would cycle again with my period. That is where it began, with my period. I kept being asked if I had started my period by the nurse and I didn't know what to tell her! They say to report the first day of full flow, well as expected and as was written on my calendar, I began to spot a few days after stopping birth control, then it stopped, then it started again, and stopped again. Finally on the morning of my first monitoring appointment I started. I started a new medical protocol this time that stopped my period after only 2 days! This time I was started out on more aggressive hormones. In addition to the supplements I was instructed to take 2 estradiol tablets, and then every three days inject .1cc of estradiol and have an estrogen patch. In order to transfer the uterine lining needs to be at least 8mm thick, at my first appointment it was around 4mm. That was fine given I had just started my period. Now me being me, I spent the next week stressing about what happens if my lining doesn't get thick enough this time too. Fast forward to my second appointment, it starts off with the nurse telling me that my blood pressure is high.... like 180/102 high. I have never had high blood pressure even though I have a family history of it, but I just had a physical in December and it wasn't high then. The doctor started off the appointment by telling me that he would not see me again if I did not go to my regular doctor and get my blood pressure checked! Then the ultrasound.... my lining was 5.8. I was very disappointed to see such a low number. Since I had made progress the doctor in Pasadena wanted to increase the estrogen to try to get my lining thicker in the next week. That meant shots going up to .2ccs and taking a third estradiol pill every day. I spent a week stressing about my stupid lining AND my blood pressure! Per my OB/GYN's orders I had my blood pressure checked, the same day that it was so high in their office it was 122/80. In December it was only 110/60! I swear it is just the anxiety of the monitoring appointments that makes my blood pressure go sky high! Now fast forward to this week.... I have been really working on relaxation and trying to lower my blood pressure, I even tried to function on one cup of coffee. All of the drama of the last few months has pretty much been resolved. I only had the stress of what my blood pressure would be and how thick my lining was. My blood pressure was still high, but not as high as last week. Then I sat and waited for the ultrasound just praying for the magical 8mm and triple stripe. I got 7.6! SERIOUSLY!!! .4mm off from a go to transfer on the 13th. I had no idea what would happen. Is it possible to grow .4mm by Sunday? Would they cancel over.4mm? As it turns out they pushed the transfer out a week to give me a little more time to have the perfect uterus. In the mean time I increase my estradiol shots to.3cc's and I will now do 2 estrogen patches! I have to go to a different office on Monday to have another ultrasound which will decide if we transfer this cycle or cancel.
   I know that I am doing everything in my power to make this journey successful, but there is still a part of me that questions if I did something wrong or if my lining would have been thicker if I had done something different. For the next 6 days all I can do is take my meds and try not to stress. It is in God's hands and I need to let it go. I don't know what happens if we have to drop this cycle too. I am not sure how many times they will cycle with me not having good results before they decide to drop me as a surrogate. I feel like my body is letting us all down. I trying to stay positive that we will have good results on Monday.

Delays....

Well February 7th has come and gone and my uterus is not housing an embryo as planned. After starting meds at the following appointment I was told that my lining was making progress but they upped my medication doses. I didn't think much of it and I don't remember if that happened last time or not. When I went in for my third and final lining check it was not good news. I started the appointment off super nervous, I kinda felt like something was wrong. If you remember from our last journey we had a dropped cycle, a failed transfer and then got pregnant, somehow I felt that it was not going to be smooth sailing this time either. Actually in the past year there has not been a lot of smooth sailing for me, every plan I make promptly goes to shit, but that's a whole different story. Back to the appointment, when Dr Van Kirk first put the ultrasound image up on the screen he said that my lining was not very thick. It was only measuring a little over 5 mm and it needs to be at least 8mm before they will even consider a transfer. He poked and prodded and tried different angles but it was still the same. For some reason my uterine lining did not thicken this round of meds. The next few hours waiting to hear what the next steps were sucked. I did some research and some things said that it may be possible to add meds and thicken the lining but I only had a few days. I frantically watched my email knowing that the transfer would be cancelled. A few hours later I got the call that the transfer was in fact cancelled, I was to stop all meds and go back on birth control for 2 weeks then stop, have a period, and then we could cycle again. I was disappointed to say the least, but I know that it is really important that everything be perfect this time since we have a limited number of embryos. I am slightly pouty about going back on birth control, between them and the meds I have put on 15 pounds. Actually I am pretty pissy about that. Everyone says "oh, just watch what you eat" "exercise more" yeah, it doesn't matter, I still gain and with the hormones I have no willpower!! I have cravings just as if I was pregnant. Add a little stress to that and I am doomed! I am just hoping that I don't gain even more with the next med cycle. I find that it is a bit of a nasty cycle, I take meds, I gain weight, I feel bad for gaining weight and I gain more! I think I am especially hard on myself because I KNOW how to eat right and lose weight, I just haven't made time to do it.
  SO now I just sit and wait..... again. I am really hoping that we can transfer in March. In case I haven't mentioned it before, I think having a baby in December is one of the cruelest things that you can do to a child so I really do not want to transfer anytime that would make the due date close to Christmas! Of course, I will do it if that is what I have to do, but you can bet I will pout about it! On the positive side, I got to drink while watching the super bowl and I will be able to travel to the coast a little farther into summer.


Until next time......

Let's make a baby!!

The past few months have been a game of hurry up and wait. I was thinking that since this was a sibling journey things would go quicker. NOT TRUE!!! We had our "match meeting" the Monday before Thanksgiving and were then referred to legal. There was a whole lot of waiting after that. We got legal retainers just before Christmas and then nothing for weeks. We had a transfer date set for the end of January.... That was pushed up a week! Then because my doctor is in surgery on Mondays and can't do my monitoring appointments until Tuesday our transfer was moved to February 7th. We finally got legal clearance today!
  The medical protocol begins again! Yesterday was my first blood draw. Because we are in such a tiny little town it is impossible to get hormone levels STAT so I do lab draws the day before my monitoring appointments. I have to say that the lady that did the draw this time was great. I didn't feel a thing. Today was my first ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus. Now comes the TMI, seriously, it's pretty graphic but an important part of the process.....

The fertility clinic likes to get a good baseline reading of the lining so they do the first ultrasound while I am on my period. As if being on my period wasn't miserable enough, I had to go to my male ob and have a vaginal ultrasound. Really, this bothered me much more last time, but after 3 med cycles then, this time I was more like "Oh well, this is what he is paid for and I am sure he sees a lot of it". But I'm not going to lie, its gross and messy!
  The results are in and everything is a go! Let the meds begin!

These are my daily meds that will be added to as we progress. What you see here is 3 prenatals, baby aspirin, DHA, folate and an estradiol vaginal suppository. The suppository is new this cycle. apparently there is a shortage of estradiol tablets so some medical asshole thought these were a good idea. I was not thrilled when I saw them. I had vaginal suppositories last time, and they will return later this time too. They were a different medication though. They were nick named chalk rockets because they felt like chalk. They were nasty, once they were inserted they began to dissolve, or melt, and the chalk became a slow moving lava like flow that would ooze out of my vagina all day long. Just when it would seem like they were completely dissolved it would be time for another. These are a little different. They look like torpedo shaped moth balls. They are smooth and when you mix smooth with the extra lubrication of being on my period, they are slick. I have decided that these are for sure a night time medication. Along with the pills and suppositories comes the start of shots! I appreciate this tiny .1cc shot that I will do every 3 days much more now that I know that there is one that is coming that is much worse. This one is NOTHING! I do the shots myself and I hardly feel a thing. Yes, if you watch the video, I hesitate. I AM STABBING A NEEDLE INTO MY ASS!! It has been 3 years since I have done shots, it's scary! But it really was quick and painless.
As odd as it may sounds I am happy to be going through all of this again because it means that we are one step closer to making a baby, which is the goal here.I can't wait to have the opportunity to grow a sibling for Isaac. I really do love being pregnant and I could not imagine a better family to help expand. The match was prefect. I feel very blessed to have helped create an amazing family and to be able to consider them all a part of ours!

Operation Tator Tot

   It has been a long time since I last updated, that is because I wanted to wait until I had BIG news. There has been so much going on in the last few months. After I returned from Paris the talk began of baby #2. That meant that I had to get disciplined and lose some more weight. There wasn't a huge rush so I wasn't really pushing then one day it went from talking to taking action! I filled out the application to reapply to the agency and after that it went quickly. I really had to push to lose 10 pounds so I could screen and I did it!
   The screenings.... If you remember from so long ago last time the trip to LA for screenings was crazy... delayed flights and little sleep, crazy cab rides and LOTS of tests. This time it hit me just how much the process of surrogacy had allowed me to grow, THIS time I chose to go to LA ALONE!! That's right, George stayed home to keep the kids in line and I drove to Sacramento, navigated the airports and LA all by myself! I was a little nervous once I got to LA but it was super easy. There was a car waiting for me and the driver was really nice and talkative this time, not like the scary Mafia man we had last time. He pointed out some of the interesting sights as we drove which was neat. The hotel was beautiful and this time I got to RELAX!! This trip we used Uber instead of taxis, WHAT A DIFFERENCE!! I rode in 2 suburbans and  a Tesla! That's right, a freaking Tesla! It was so cool, there were so many buttons and things I could have played with if I was sitting in the front, BUT I wasn't so I just took Snapchats to send to the kids! The drivers were not bat shit crazy like the cab drivers and on the ride to the airport the driver even had a charger for my phone!
   The psych testing was interesting. I took the 567 computer question MMPI which was so boring, but must have shown that I am not a total nut case because I passed. The interview portion was pertty standard. We talked about many of the same things as last time, thoughts on specific topics, relationship with the parents and then a little about me, and this is where I got choked up and the tears started flowing. See I was asked about my proudest moment. This is how my response went: I have given birth to 2 beautiful and amazing babies that are now growing into amazing women. I survived being a single mom, I was a teen mom that people doubted would graduate high school and I now have a Masters degree.... but those are not my proudest moment. I took out my phone and showed the interviewer a picture from D&G's wedding where they are holding Isaac and they all look so happy. With tears running down my face I told him THIS is my proudest moment. I got to play a part in making those smiles. I did something that not everyone can do. Helping make this family is my proudest moment. It was very moving to be back where it all started moving forward to growing a sibling for Isaac.
   After the Psych eval I had about an hour to waste until I had to leave for Pasadena for the medical portion. I was so hungry and the road in front of the building was lined with food trucks, BUT I knew I was cutting it close on making the weight I needed to screen so I chose not to eat anything. I regretted that later in the day because it was 5:00 before I got to eat anything. There was a bit of a wait at the Dr's. They first took blood....a lot of blood! Then urine, which was, for once in my life, hard to do since I hadn't really drank anything. Then I waited some more before the nurse took me back. She talked a bit and took my blood pressure then it was time for weight.... I was 2 pounds over what I had weighed at home!!! Now I had not eaten anything in over 12 hours, I chose my lightest clothes and I was still 2 pounds above where I needed to be. I think the nurse must have sensed my horror because she told me that it was fine and I was close enough. The Dr wasn't available so I saw his Physicians Assistant. She was so sweet! We chatted and talked about all kinds of unconventional stuff to make me feel more comfortable.... tattoos, waxing and piercings... before I knew it I was done and everything looked good. Now we wait the 2 weeks to get all of the results back.
   It was a bit of a rush back to the airport but I made it. The rest of the trip was uneventful. I got legal clearance a couple of days ago and we are set up for a match meeting to make sure that we still like each other :) From there it is legal and baby making. I wish this was where the story ended, but there is another not so great part that is important. Through my last journey I was blessed with so much love and acceptance of the fact that I was helping create a family that I couldn't imagine anyone holding it against me. Well I think that has happened this time. I have no proof, it is just a feeling I have and the ONLY answer I can think of.
   Back in March I landed my dream job as a school counselor. I got paid WELL to help kids feel better. I worked the same schedule as my kids, I could not ask for more. This year I was transferred to a school that I LOVED! I quickly made some relationships with staff and kids and I felt I had found a good routine. I had a caseload of 50 kids and 8 groups. I was spending time in classrooms and individually with kids. It was all I could have asked for. So when I started needing a couple of hours off to have some tests done and it was casually asked if I was ok, I didn't hesitate to be honest and tell the admin where I was working about the surrogacy. I covered the basics, how I explain the pregnancy to the kids and how I work until I deliver and planned to return as soon as I could. It was all good and nothing more was said. a few weeks later I let them know I was taking a day off for medical appointments in LA. When I returned I was asked if I had transferred and I explained that I just had screenings and tests and that it would be a month or two at least before we got pregnant. It was quite casual and I thought nothing of it. The admin seemed supportive. Now Fast Forward to the end of the week. As I finished my last group of the week and was saying goodbye to a trainee that had been helping with my group I noticed the superintendent, who is my boss, I didn't think much of it and continued with closing out the day. When he came to my office I was a little surprised because in the time I had worked there I rarely had a one on one conversation with him. That is when it hit me that something was up. He was with someone from HR. He told me to sit down and that he had some bad news. He explained that I was still on probationary employment, for 14 more days, and that they had decided that it was not a good fit. He asked if I had any questions and I told him that I was really surprised since I had not heard any negative comments about my performance or constructive criticism or suggestions on things to do differently. I thought that everything was going well. The staff and kids seemed to like me and I was BUSY. All he would say is that it was not a good fit and that he could not say anything more. I was devastated. I had no idea what the real reason for my job loss was. I was heartbroken to lose a job I LOVED and poured my hear into. I was sad that I wouldn't get a chance to say goodbye to the kids I had built relationships with.
   I had plans to go away that weekend, and I did. I tried not to stress about losing my job. Then Monday came. I didn't get up for work. I tried to look for a job and realized that there were very few jobs and they paid A LOT less than what I was making. It got me down..... really down. I looked at every possible thing that I could have done wrong or not good enough. The ONLY thing I could think of was that the surrogacy. I know that I was doing good work with the kids. I was there early and worked late, but I was planning a pregnancy that was non-traditional. For a little bit I was pissed!! How dare they end my job for something so beautiful. Is it legal? Of course, they covered their ass by letting me go before my probation was over and only saying it wasn't a good fit. But in my heart I know that this is the only reason I had given them for feeling that way. Now I am back to this must be a part of Gods plan that I am not meant to understand. I also know that if I would have been given the choice of keeping my job or carrying another baby for D & G I would have chose the baby. I may have a lot of flaws, but standing up for what I believe in is not one of them. I have already had a job interview, and I let them know about the surrogacy. Some may think that is a dumb move, but I believe in being honest. I don't want to surprise a new employer with a pregnancy a few months in. If a surrogate pregnancy is enough of a reason not to hire me then it is not the right place for me. I am passionate about what I do, and I am really good with kids, I believe that there is a better place for me that will see and appreciate that. Until I find it I will continue to stand up for what I believe is the right thing for me and my family, and that is carrying a sibling. It makes me sad that there are people who don't ask questions about it and operate on assumptions, or that they are so narrow minded that they make decisions out of fear and lack of information and facts. This may all be an assumption. My job loss may have nothing to do with the surrogacy, but it is quite a coincidence that I was let go just a week after taking a day off for screenings. I am still adjusting and accepting the loss. I am battling the urge to get down and give up. But besides my own children that keep me going, I have the light of hope. Hope of carrying another baby that will add to the joy and love of another family. I do not have a hesitation or question in my mind that surrogacy is something I am meant to do. God gave me the gift of easy pregnancies and a heart for helping others. I am sad that not everyone sees it as a good thing, but I know it is a part of HIS plan for me and I have to trust right now that our needs will be met while I follow that path.
   Next up..... legal contracts, my LEAST favorite part! Thank you all for your love and support and I look forward to sharing journey #2! 

Reunited

   Ahh... my trip to Paris. What can I possibly say that would describe my time over seas? Amazing doesn't even touch it. So lets back up to the preparation. Now when someone says "hey, come visit us in Paris" you think "yeah, great idea. I'll just hop on my flying pig and head over" at least that is what I thought. There is no way in hell that I ever imagined that I would go to Paris!! I felt that way the whole trip there until I stepped out of the plane and the "oh shit! We are in Paris" hit. Anxious and excited does not even describe what I was feeling up to that point. I was so excited to see my surro family but so scared of the flight and going to another country where I didn't speak the language or have any idea how to navigate. I get so lost I knew for sure that I would be lost in a foreign country! I seriously was asking myself all the way to the airport " how pissed would they be if I can't get on the plane?". It was hard to leave my kids too. I cried, not going to lie. Even though they are older it was still hard to leave and know that if something went wrong I was not going to be able to be right there to help them.
   Once I got to the airport I was even more nervous. Me, a plain Jane redneck from small town Cottonwood, California was going to get on a plane and fly FOREVER to another country! Oh and then there is my mother, I love her dearly but when she gets nervous she asks a ton of questions. Which way do we go? Is this the right terminal? What if they lose our luggage? Where can we get a drink? Seriously? Like I know!! I had never been to the San Francisco airport, I HAVE NO IDEA!! Add to that anxiety that if you remember from LONG ago that I have some issues with my sinuses that can cause EXTREME pain during the decent. I thought it would be a good idea to visit my ENT and get a plan to prevent this. As it turns out my sinuses are not in very good shape so I was put on a super aggressive steroid protocol to try to prevent the pain. SO, I was super nervous that I would have pain during the landing in addition to all of my other anxieties about traveling. Even the Madori Sours from the airport bar could not calm my nerves. The only thing that got my ass on that plane was the thought of seeing my French boys again..... It had been a YEAR and I have missed them so much!
   I'm not going to lie, the flight sucked! We were squeezed into tiny seats and it was FREEZING!! There was one kid next to us screaming and another puking. Our flight left SFO at 9 pm and got to Paris at 4:45 pm THE NEXT DAY!! All of the friends that have gone on long flights have said to sleep on the plane. It was a nice thought, but it didn't really happen. Even with melatonin all I could manage was a few minutes here and there.
  Once we arrived in Paris it  really hit us just how much planning was done on our behalf, we are forever grateful for D's obsessive planning!! A care was there to meet us at the airport and D&G were at our apartment (that they arranged for) waiting when we got there! They had a full itinerary planned for us. Seriously, they thought of EVERYTHING! They helped us get settled and then we got to walk the short walk to their place to see Isaac.
   He is so adorable! Pictures just don't do him justice. His personality is priceless. He smiles all of the time! By the second day I even managed to get a hug and kiss from him. ( I may have bribed him with my phone)

 Just look at him!! He is just such a gorgeous baby! And of course we had to bring him a birthday present! He is also very talented, see, he loves to play the piano. But when he does he plays a little bit and then stops to make sure that everyone is watching him, then you MUST clap and cheer!

  I have to admit that I was a little worried that it would be awkward being with my surro family again after a year apart, it was not! From the first day it was as if we had never been apart. We laughed and visited and drank wine. Lots and lots of wine, which I normally do not like but as it turns out the French are blessed with very good wine!! They took such good care of us and showed us around and how to navigate. But beyond all of the sights and experiences of being in Paris, I got to witness my favorite thing.... The RELATIONSHIP! I got to see first hand how loved and adored Isaac is, not only by his daddies, but by his amazing nanny, their friends and everyone who comes in contact with him. This was so rewarding. To be welcomed into their home and given free access to see Isaac whenever we wanted was such a gift. We spent almost every evening together doting on Isaac until he went to bed and then visiting and catching up until late in the evening, it was so nice.
  The experience of Paris was amazing. The sights, the people, the food.... all of it. I was so nervous about the food. I am so picky I really thought I would starve or only eat bread but everything I tried was good! And navigating was not as hard as I expected. After just a day or two, with the help of maps, my mom and I were able to navigate the part of town we were in on foot AND take the metro, even changing trains, to get to where we wanted to go. Language was not an issue either since just about everyone spoke English. The buildings are absolutely breath taking, they are so old and so beautiful. And the weather was perfect, sunny and warm. So much so that we both got sun burns!
  It was the trip of a lifetime. And while I enjoyed the sights and the experience of being in Paris, what I really took away was the knowledge that I carried a sweet little boy for two of the most loving and generous people I have been blessed to know. That baby will never want for anything or ever doubt that he is loved. I know that our connection is not one in the form of an agency arranged business arrangement but one of the heart.

This is my favorite picture because there is no divide. Someone looking at it cannot tell where one family ends and the other begins. I was lucky enough to get to choose these special people and help them become parents, and I can only thank God for leading me to them and for the relationship that we continue to have.
   Coming home was hard. I missed my family like crazy, but Paris was just so unbelievable. I think I may have scared their poor nanny because as hard as I tried, when it came time to say good bye I cried. I just couldn't stop! It was so emotional to witness their love, and I know I will miss them all so much until we see each other again. No, I did not want to take the baby and run ( well, not long term. I would totally babysit!) I wanted to take them ALL with me!
   Besides the wonderful time we had with D&G and Isaac we got to experience a new culture where you sleep in and socialize until late at night ( when it is still light at 10:30 pm). We got to see Gay Pride in Paris ( we were together in San Francisco last year for it), we got to see art from famous artists and so much more. I will never forget this trip! I am so grateful to D&G for everything that they did to bring us to Paris and to make sure that we had a great experience but most of all for allowing me the opportunity to continue to be a part of their lives.

Some of the Parisian beauty..

Until next time......