Something Special!

  For over a year now I have written, ranted and raved about this crazy surrogacy journey I put my family through, BUT there is another side to this story, that of Isaac's parents! I can only imagine what it must have been like to have your child growing in someone you have known for such a short time and to be so far away. I thought it would be nice to share a little bit of their perspective! So here it is, D and G wrote about one of my favorite subjects.... relationship!

One of the most frequent questions we get asked when we discuss our adventure with friends and families is “How will you talk to your son about your surrogate? ”. This one question doesn't sit well with us for many reasons : it implies some things should be hidden from Isaac when he grows up. It implies “the surrogate” is “a carrier” whose role is physical and limited to a pregnancy. Most of all, it implies there is something in the way Isaac was conceived we should worry about telling him and carefully discuss with him.
So, every time this question comes up, we have the same answer that became so clear as the pregnancy was under way. This person is not “a surrogate”. This person is NAOMI. Isaac’s godmother. A mother whom we know and love for being one of the most giving, moral,  freedom-loving, individual we have ever met.  Someone who, when we first met and asked about her motivations for doing this told us “Because i want to show my children to see what it is to do something selflessly”. Someone who, with her family,  is part of Isaac’s life, always. Someone whose strength of character and values we would dream for our son to take after.  

When we first met with Naomi and her husband, it’s safe to say we were afraid on both sides as to whether we would “click” because of the cultural divide, the worlds between us. Naomi was wondering how she would relate and interact with two French people. We had never been to a small town so far from Paris and were wondering if we would have anything in common with this couple we did not know and would never have met had it not been for Isaac.  

What happened next was extraordinary:  as we spent more time together, we started looking at each other not as “the french gay couple” and “the surrogate from Northern California” but as human beings. We grew a friendship which became stronger as the months went by. We discovered each other’s characters, for better or for worse :-) Isaac’s birth sealed this relationship with Naomi and her family in a way none of us had expected. The weeks we spent together before and after his birth were intense, full of joy and expectations. We got to spend time with her, her husband, daughters, her mom. What started as an improbable encounter for a surrogacy 18 months ago became a lifelong bond.

As much as we assumed we had little in common with Naomi at the beginning of this journey, she became a role model for us. As a working mother whose dedication to raising her children with values of kindness and honesty. As a strong, independent woman who always makes her own choices, disregarding what the others might think, driven by the goal to help those who might be in need.

So, to those who ask us “How will you talk to your son about your surrogate”, our answer is : This person is not a surrogate. This person is Naomi, Isaac’s godmother. And we couldn’t be more thankful that she is part of our family’s life.

Much love,

D & G



Aren't they sweet? And here is a picture of my adorable surro family! Of course Isaac is much bigger now, he was just shy of 4 weeks here! Relationship, that is what makes this process emotionally bearable and worth every bit of pain and discomfort.  

Getting back to me...

When I tried to come up with a catchy title that will pull my friends in to see what is going on now that all of the excitement of pregnancy and birth are gone this is all I came up with. " Getting back to me". One would think that in this situation you have a baby and move on with your life...um no. Not even close! I am not at all the person I was before I started this journey. I am quite proud of my accomplishments in the past year. By the grace of God I have completed school, kept my 3 kids and husband alive and got to experience the miracle of a family being created. I have changed a lot!            
   Physically after 8 weeks I am still packing some extra baby weight, but with as much milk as I produce, it is coming off pretty steadily. I even ran a few times. Now that was a sight. Keep in mind that it is HOT, well over 100, and in order for me not to be miserable, or get black eyes, I have to wear 3 bras that are as tight as could be, but I did it....... right until I got mastitis. I forgot what that misery was like! It started with a little twinge of pain then seriously within 3-4 hours I had a fever, chills, body aches, and it was Georges birthday! So I cooked him a nice dinner that he got to clean up while I died in the bath tub. One might think that a painful infection like that would end my desire to pump, of course not! I pumped though the pain and then added time to my normal pumping so that I didn't have much of a decrease of supply. Why? Well because I got this text from a mom I donated to "Hi Naomi, I wanted to contact you about another round of milk for baby R. but if you are not able to help again just know that we thank you and you have greatly helped with the healthy and happy development of our baby boy." Who could say no to that? I got to see him the last time I donated to them and he is so sweet, there is no way that I could not help this mother who struggles to make a tiny portion of the milk that I make so abundantly. This time I am hopefully taking enough to them to last 2 months. It took me 3 weeks, with the infection, to product that much. I am often asked how long I will continue to pump. Part of me wants to say as long as there is a baby that needs it!! But the reality is that pumping is very time consuming and kind of expensive when you don't have income! I spend about 30 minutes every 3 hours pumping, plus I get up in the middle of the night. Storage bags are expensive! I go through about 100 a week, that's $20 worth. Plus we had to borrow a milk freezer and I deliver the milk as well. BUT it just so happens that sweet baby R. and his family live on the coast so I like having an excuse to go over there! My goal is to pump through December. But the reality is that I need to find a job, one that pays... so it may be more difficult to keep up with my pumping schedule. But I will go as long as I can. Breast milk is too valuable to waste and if I can help a baby (or two) get the best nutrition possible I will!
   I have not stressed too much about my weight because I am producing so much milk. I have never been small chested but while lactating my boobs are huge, and heavy! I do have a daily clothing battle. I find that things that fit my boobs resemble paper bags thus making me look heavier than I am. I have also shed a few tears over bras. I gave up cute sexy bras in about 9th grade but trying to find a bra now is torture!! I finally spent an hour (and a good amount of cash) at Motherhood finding some nursing bras that are supportive but not too tight. Why nursing bras with no baby? Well, its really difficult to 1) find my size in a regular bras. Nursing bra manufacturers get that there is nothing normal or mainstream about lactating boobs. 2) If I found a regular bra that fit, it would be what I refer to as Olga style and impossible to get out of regularly to pump.
  Buying pants... another disaster. I am not really complaining about this one though. I will buy something then by the time I wear it it is too big. I am down 4 sizes in 5 weeks. I am back to the baggy look that I sported during my last weight loss! Now if I could just tone everything up while I lost so fast!
   Now the big one am I REALLY still ok? Yes I am. I cannot tell you why or how I felt a baby grow inside of me, gave birth to him and handed him over to his parents without a sense of loss other than this was God's plan for me. From the beginning I have said that God put it on my heart to start this journey and that I trust Him to take care of me in the end, and He did. Now don't get me wrong, there have been some tears!! You know that heart wrenching feeling of your best friend moving away? Well it was similar to that when I had my last visit with my surro family.
  There were so many mixed emotions over that visit. Imagine me, my mom, my girls and Dallys all packing into my SUV at 7 am on a Saturday morning and driving to San Francisco. AND for my first trip driving in a big city, we went on PRIDE weekend! My mom looked and there was only about a million extra people there that weekend. There were a lot of colorful words and quite a bit of driving stress for me, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I got to snuggle that sweet baby ( when my kids and mom would share) and we got to see how naturally parenthood came to his parents. They were so calm and relaxed with him. Only slight neurotic. It was wonderful. Right until the end..... I had done so good, not a single tear. Then as we said good bye my daughter said something about me crying and that was all it took for the flood gates to open. So many emotions all at once ( at 3 weeks postpartum) I was so happy for this sweet family, I felt blessed that my family and I had been a part of this creation. But there was uncertainty. Will our relationship really continue once we all go back to our regular lives? Will Isaac remember me? And the biggest one is that it may be a LONG time before we get to visit again. After a few minutes I managed to get myself together enough to drive away. But I cried off and on most of the way home, it was just such an unknown area of wondering what will happen next.
  But you know what happened next? I got texts updates and pictures of Isaac and emails. I got phone calls just to check in. Then they returned to France. AND I got updates all the way to the airport and once they were home. Now I get a few emails a week and texts. We have also Skyped a few times. It is so nice to get to see how well they are all adjusting to being a family. I got to see the excitement and love on Isaac's grandma's face as we Skyped. My mom got to be a part of our call this weekend and she was amazed at what technology can do!! How cool is it that we can see and hear people on the other side of the world? Plus Isaac was super cute, he is getting so big, already up over 3 pounds since birth. But the coolest part was that I got a smile out of him! I cannot put into words a category for this relationship. Not just with the baby, but his whole family. They hold a very special place in my heart and I am so grateful that I get to stay in contact with them and watch not only Isaac grow, but all of them grow as a family!
   Now for another bit of info I have not shared publicly.  Some of you know, because I vowed never to be dishonest about any part of this journey, but if we are not very close this may be new news. I did not want to deal with judgement or ridicule while I was pregnant because I made my decisions based on a lot of thought and prayer and I believe with every ounce of my being that I did what I was meant to do. Isaac was welcomed into the world by two dads. To some you may be thinking, oh ok, big deal, and thank you for your loving open-mindedness. You are likely the ones that I have already shared that information with. But I know that I have a few friends and family that would not agree with my decision to carry for a gay couple, and that is ok too. I believe that it is not our place to judge others or condemn them for living a life different than mine. But do you know what I found out through this journey? They are not that different. I can see now part of the reasons I was meant to carry for them. Obviously, to help them have a baby since there is no other way. I expected to be able to change their lives, which is kinda my thing, but what I didn't expect was for it to change mine, and my kids, and my moms, and friends that were involved. My family and I were blessed to be able to build relationships with these amazing men. As you can probably guess none of us had really spent much time with a gay couple. Not out of avoidance, but really because the paths didn't cross. I didn't know what to expect, but I sure didn't expect what I got! I am so proud as a mother of the love and acceptance my children showed. They never blinked and eye at the fact that our IPs were men. They really did not understand why anyone would have a problem with it. They were always so supportive and they adore Isaac and his daddies. On the basis of our faith they could understand that the Bible says to "love thy neighbor" and that it is not up to us to judge. Does that make us any less Christian? I don't think so. We will all face judgement one day, and I am confident that my choice to carry a baby for gay men will not be the condemning factor, because God knows my heart. He knows that I did this in His name with the intention of selfless giving, self sacrifice, acceptance and most of all LOVE. And that sweet little boy that I gave birth to is loved so much and by so many people. I will never second guess my decision.
  Another big surprise along the way was the relationship my mom built with the guys. Now keep in mind my grandfather was brought up in Oklahoma and was as redneck as they come so my mom was not brought up with much diversity. I can imagine that when I said I was going to carry for two men, after the relief that I had chosen not to carry for an HIV positive couple, my mom envisioned transvestites in pink tutus or the media image of the flamboyant hair dresser type. What she got when they finally met was two very handsome, professional men. Then they started talking and she found out that we all really do have a lot in common. I saw her day by day get more open to the idea. Then by the time they came for delivery she loved them as much as I do! She cried with them and got to see those precious first moments when they met their son! And I am pretty confident that she supports me 100%. Actually I know she dose, we have talked about it. And she has told me that she thought I was crazy until she was with  at church and heard our pastor talk about following Gods will no matter how crazy it may seem. She has said over and over how amazed she is at how easy it is to be with the guys, really the biggest differences we have seem to be based on their being French rather than being gay (duh!). And none of us have any doubt about their abilities as parents.
   So in the end I have learned that while there is some uncertainty associated with doing something that others may see as questionable, ( hmmm, reminds me of taking the road less traveled and something about what is popular may not be right), if you know in your heart it is right then do it. I have no regrets about this journey, and I can't wait to do it again!

Please remember that I welcome all respectful questions and comments!