3 weeks

   It is hard to believe it has already been 3 weeks since Isaac came into the world.  I have had a lot of questions about how I am REALLY doing. The truth is I am ok. I cannot explain how or why I am not upset about not having a baby to care for or how I did not bond to the baby other than to say it was by God's grace as a part of His plan. Now not to say that there have not been tears... there were a few when my surro family left Redding, but it was not over the loss of the baby, it was more about how much I would miss ALL of them. But I will touch more on relationships later. I also think that the placenta pills have really helped too. Aside from a few mood swings I don't think that I have been too emotionally out of control.
   Physically I am doing well too. I am still holding on to some extra baby weight, but it is hard to say how much since I am still pumping. I am actually losing about a pound a day with no effort at all. I am finally feeling ready to start exercising and eating well again so that I can take full advantage of the extra calorie burn from producing breast milk. While I am a long ways away from my pre-pregnancy clothes, I am feeling good about the progress. After birth I kept waiting to feel some sort of physical pain or something that hinted that I had just given birth but it never came! After the second day I have had next to no discomfort. Even in the first days I just had some cramping that was controlled with Motrin.
  I am still having mixed emotions over pumping. I found someone willing to take my milk, which has helped a lot, but it is very time consuming and painful. I pump every 3 hours for 20 minutes and then get up once a night as well. In the beginning I was worried that I would have a hard time getting a good supply without nursing at all but evidently I was wrong! I am currently pumping 65-70+ ounces a day. At the first pumping session of the day I can pump for almost 45 minutes to get fully empty and get between 20-24 ounces. I am amazed at the supply I have. I even had to borrow a freezer just for milk. I currently have over 800 ounces saved! It is a pain though. I get about 2-2.5 hours of freedom before I have to start thinking about hooking up again. And while I only pump for 20 minutes, it takes another 10 or so to clean everything and bag and store the milk.ore efficient though, I am even getting to the point where I can pump and drive. I am sure that all of the vehicles bigger than mine enjoy that view! Actually I am pretty covered, it just looks strange!  I am becoming m But some babies will be very happy!! At this point it looks like there will be 3 babies that will get the benefit of my mass production. Most of the milk I will be donating to some fellow surrogates and then I found another family on the coast that can use the milk that I pump while I am there on vacation. It is just amazing how things just fall into place!
  So what do I do with myself now? Well I am enjoying not working. I also just finished school, which is a huge relief! I will go back to work after our trip to the coast, but on a very limited schedule. There is also a possibility that I am looking into of a paid internship at my daughter's high school. Once again things seem to be just falling into place. I am happy with myself for not stressing about what I will do next and trusting that things will work out. I am also very literally doing everything I want to this summer! This weekend I am driving with my mom and the girls to San Francisco to see the baby and his parents. This is huge for me! I have NEVER driven in a bigger city, with traffic and toll bridges and all of that stuff. I totally have a plan B of calling a cab if I get too overwhelmed, but I have been assured that I will be fine!! Then Monday we leave for the coast. This is my first time taking my trailer all by myself. I have been practicing backing it up and well... it is not going so hot. The whole turn one way and go the other stuff is not clicking with my brain. Now in all fairness I do manage to get it where I want it, but it takes forever and there are usually tears and four letter words involved. BUT I have been looking forward to this trip for months! I have planned to stay at places that I usually drive by and say "someday I want to stay there". We are also not really planning what to do, just whatever we want! WE will go to Oregon one day and to a walk through wild life safari but other than that there are no plans. Then I will come home for a couple of weeks and we will go to Disneyland. I also want to fit a quick weekend trip to Fort Brag in there too!
   That leads me into the next portion of this update... relationships. As most of you know, I usually travel with my kids and my mom ( and of course Dallys too). My husband usually stays home. I know it sounds a little strange, but it works for us. He does not enjoy camping and our cold little beaches like I do so rather than make him miserable by forcing him to go, I just do what I want and he gets alone time. It just works for us. After getting divorced I was luck enough to find someone who does not try to hold me back, he supports me in whatever I want to do and appreciates my independence and my need to be able to do things myself. He never makes me feel guilty for taking a trip (probably because I usually take the kids :)  ) he doesn't try to discourage me from doing off of the wall things like quitting my job to go to school or having a baby for someone else. For years I tried to understand our differences and make sense of how he could not enjoy the same things I do but once I accepted that we just enjoy different things, it has flowed much smoother.  Now there are times that I strongly encourage him to do things that I like, like a trip to the coast or a family get together, I try to make it as painless as possible! Now there are also things that we like to do together as well. He enjoys movies and going out to eat or just staying home and doing nothing, which I am ok with too. What is most important is that we can enjoy being together. After 7 years together I still look forward to him coming home and spending time with him. It is very nice to have a partner who will love and accept me for who I am.
  I have learned in the past year that there are many different types of relationships that I encounter. I know that there are people in my life who disapproved of this surrogacy, they showed it by avoiding me and saying nothing at all. There are some that truly did not understand the process or how I could give the baby up, they also kept their distance, but not as much as those who were against it. Then there were those who really didn't give a shit, those that were curious about the journey, those that offered words of support and encouragement and those that were really by my side. The latter group was pretty limited.
  My children, my mom and my grandmother were the ones, besides my husband, who I knew really supported me. My grandma watched the kids whenever I needed her to and while I am not sure she understood it all, I think she had a good enough understanding to know that having a baby for someone was something that I felt called to do and that I started this process out of  obedience of my faith. 
   My children, while they weren't always happy about it, accepted that there were limitations to what I could do, especially in the end. They were supportive the whole way and I felt that they were proud of what I was doing. They also learned a lot from this journey. They learned about love and acceptance as well as sacrifice for others.
   My mom was probably my biggest supporter. In the beginning she thought I was nuts, but like with most other things, she was willing to help. She took my kids for days while we were out of town and was always willing to listen to what was going on with me every step of the way. It was also a growing experience for her. In the beginning she didn't really understand the how or why of things, but as I shared emails from our IPs with her she began to understand a little more. Then she met them and it all made sense. She truly KNEW why I would go through shots, sickness, restrictions, weight gain and child birth for these two people who were strangers to me a year ago.  Then when they came out for the birth she got to spend some real time getting to know them and she fell in love with them too. She got to witness and be a part of this crazy, unexplainable bond that occurs when you grow a child for someone else. For 9 months my family nourished this baby with love, affection and prayers all in preparation for him to meet his parents!
   Then we have the baby's parents. That is probably the most unexpected and hardest to explain relationship. As I have said before, they were not the type of IPs I was looking for. I was persuaded to take a look at their profile and I am so glad I did! I knew immediately  that they were the ones for me. They are so different from everyone I know, but at the same time, we have a lot in common. It really was kind of like a dating relationship. I loved getting to know them and then there were things that I thought they were crazy for ( and I'm sure they felt the same about me at times :) ) But there really is a bond that cannot be put into words that occurs when you are responsible for growing a baby for someone. They had to trust me 100% to keep their child's best interest in mind while he was inside of me. Let's be real, would they have known if I drove that extra 50 miles at the end of my pregnancy to sit on my favorite beach, or would they know if I had a sandwich with cold lunch meat on it, probably not, but because I felt so honored that they chose me to carry their baby and to be responsible for his development and nurturing I didn't do any of those things. I always looked forward to updating them with new pictures of his growth and updates from the doctor. The nerdy part of me enjoys sending them the interesting articles and research as well! But as close as we were there was something extra special that happened while they were here for the birth, the bond became less of one of friendship and more of one of family. While I was in labor and giving birth, they were not only concerned with the well being of their son, but mine as well. There was an amazing moment as soon as Isaac was born. He was placed on my stomach and his parents and I all got to hold him as they cut the cord that had connected him and I. I had heard all kinds of horror stories from other surrogates about how the parents acted after the baby was born, but our experience was great. I was so touched at their willingness not only to share their first few hours with their son with me, but my family as well. And then a change naturally occurred. As most of you know, I love babies! They are so soft and squishy and cute! And I have been known to be a bit of a baby hog, so I really tried not to impose too much on their first few days of bonding time with their son. But what I found was that they were quite willing to share! I was quite lucky to have them here for 6 days after Isaac was born and I got to see them a lot. Now that they are farther away our roles have switched. I am very blessed that I get frequent updates, pictures and videos from them. All of this really helps the transition of my role in growing Isaac being done. Not that I ever doubted their abilities as parents, I knew they would be great, but I get to see how proud they are and how naturally they have adjusted to parenthood. It means so much to me that they take the time to keep me involved and updated on their new lives as parents. It is also this bond that is helping me to expand my horizons. When they first mentioned us coming to San Francisco to see them, my first thought was hell no, there is no way I can do that! The city is soooo out of my comfort zone. But now there is no way in hell I would miss an opportunity to see them all. I am even starting to maybe consider an eventual trip to France ( I would have to have a job of course to pay for a trip like that!) That would be a big one for me though! A big city, hours flying over the ocean, foreign language.... you get the picture, major anxiety for me, but it would be nice to experience a little bit of their world since I shocked them with my small town life!
  I have been asked a lot if I would do this again, without a doubt yes. But could I do it for different parents, I am not so sure. While there are things I would like to experience differently, like having them live in the same country as me, this experience has been so good that I worry that the relationship with other parents would not be as good, really what are the odds of multiple good matches. I also have to consider my family and that I am getting older so who knows really how many good baby carrying years I have left! My husband and children have been so understanding throughout this journey. Seriously, my poor husband.  He had to go through testing, give me shots, watch me carry a baby that wasn't his, he had to experience me giving birth to that baby, he has placenta pills in his fridge and breast milk not only in the house freezer but in an additional freezer in his garage. PLUS all of the restrictions that go along with giving birth. He understands that I would not hesitate at a sibling for Isaac, but I am not so sure that he would be ok with starting over with someone new!!
   I really cannot express into words how amazing this experience was. I am changed forever in ways that I never anticipated. Some existing relationships changed and new ones were made. And most importantly a Beautiful baby was brought into this world who is loved by so many people in multiple countries!! I found this great quote that says it all "Family, where life begins and love never ends."

And because I have no willpower, here is one of the many pictures I have received recently of  the handsome little French Fry!

Welcome baby Isaac!

So here it is, the birth story, the moment we have been working towards for over a year and a half. But I can't just start at the birth, to get the full picture I have to include the days before. After my 38 week check up it hit me that I could literally give birth any day. It was then that I started having mixed emotions. I was happy to know that the parents would finally meet their little boy, scared of delivery and a little sad that my part was coming to an end.
  The parents were coming with me to my 39 week check up and we were all excited. I had been having some contractions so I was sure that there would be some progress, and they doctor was doing another membrane sweep so maybe things would get going on their own. But when I arrived at my doctors office true panic set in. There was a sign on the door that said "Dr. VanKrik will be out of the office June 9-13....." This was a true moment of horror, I picked this doctor because I thought he would be the best fit for our situation and I really like him, I wanted HIM there for delivery and more than that there was a doctor that I absolutely did NOT want there! I tried not to show my panic as we went through the appointment. The baby's hear beat sounded good, my blood pressure was good and then the parents left the room for the pelvic exam/sweep. I was dilated to a 2 and the sweep still sucked. But being alone with my doctor gave me a chance to express my concern about his vacation the week I was due. It was something like this " There is no way in hell I am letting Dr.Skipitis deliver me!! He has to come out before you leave!!" Really it was more of a panicked plea than a discussion. That is when he offered to induce. Now all along I have been sure that I wanted as little medical intervention as possible...... right up until that moment when I found out that I could be delivered by someone other than my doctor! My doctor decided to give me a few minutes with the parents to discuss our options. Basically we could wait for things to happen on their own or induce Wednesday or Thursday. I knew that my husband had a lot to do at work on Wednesday and that a Thursday delivery would allow me the longest period of recovery time with help, so my vote was for Thursday. Of course the parents are so sweet that they basically left it up to me to decide so we set the date. Thursday June 5 at 7 am we would induce and bring little Isaac into the world!
   The rest of Tuesday and Wednesday was an emotional roller coaster for me. I was excited but also pretty down because the pregnancy was ending. I really tried to enjoy every last minute. I really noticed every movement the baby made and enjoyed the last days of pregnancy. The sadness was for the change in my role, the loss of the pregnancy and the fear of not knowing what would come during and after the birth.

Here is the last official bump picture of me and French Fry!

 I think we were all pretty nervous Wednesday night. The parents were trying to make sure everything was in order to bring a baby home and I was trying to make sure that I had everything in line for my kids and to prepare for coming home not pregnant. Thursday morning was met with a few tears. The time had come to say good bye to my pregnant tummy. There were even tears from my daughter when kissed my tummy for the last time. We were excited, but the huge wiggly tummy would be missed. As we left for the hospital I tried not to panic, it was a few minutes after 6:30, I knew we would be late! I hate to be late! I of course stressed and watched the clock the whole way. What if they sent us home because we were late? Then as luck would have it we hit red lights!! We made it to the hospital (less than 10 minutes late) and were greeted by the excited parents and my mom. It was a great experience for us all to be able to walk in together and even stop for a few pictures along the way. As we checked in no one cared that we were a little late. They quickly got us in to the biggest birthing room they have and by 8:00 I was hooked up to IVs and MY DOCTOR had come in and broken my water. That was an experience in its self. I had my water broken with the girls, but it was with a long hook, this time he used his hand! I remember the big gush from before but not the fact that with every contraction or movement there was more and more that came out. I felt like I was peeing myself all day long! And to control the mess I was given towels to hold between my legs. I'm sure that my trips to the bathroom were quite a site, here I am huge pregnant, hooked up to iv's, waddling to the bathroom with my ass hanging out, trying to be careful that I didn't drop the towels!
   As I said all along, it was my goal to go drug free. Well I doubted that goal when I learned that I would have pitocin. BUT I did 6 hours of labor with NOTHING but the support of my husband, mom and doula! I think I did pretty good, there was only one staff member that I really wanted to hurt...badly. Seriously, I am in pain and she is in the room FOREVER bull shitting. I found her voice to be super annoying too. But over all, I think I managed to stay pretty calm. The experience was amazing. I spent a lot of time rolling on the birthing ball. I had planned to be walking around but because of the Pitocin I had to be monitored the entire time. That was a challenge as well. In true French Fry fashion, they had a hard time keeping his heart rate on the monitor so I eventually got an internal monitor (which had to be replaced several times because he had so much hair it wouldn't stay on). The pitocin was upped every half hour. I cannot say enough about how good the labor experience was, even with the pain. My doula had all of these little tricks and her and my mom helped me to be focused and calm. But it was my husband that really surprised me. This is the first birth that we have gone through together, and I didn't know what to expect with the baby not being his and all, but he was amazing. He was by my side all day, applying pressure, rubbing my back, making sure I stayed hydrated and encouraging me and telling me how good I was doing.  Here is a picture of my support team (obviously NOT during a contraction)

So you may be wondering about the parents at this point, they were there for it all. They did a wonderful job of keeping calm and quiet which were my only requests. They even provided a few laughs! I have had many questions about if it was weird to have them in the room while I was so exposed and if you have ever given birth you know it was not. About the time the pain started I didn't give a shit who was where. They got a little warning before exams (more for their sake than mine) but really I figured that it was important for them to experience the whole process of their son coming into the world. Now, of course, I did get a bikini wax a week before delivery.... did anyone but me notice or care, no, but yes, even in labor I felt better knowing that my long lost neither regions were groomed!
   Fast forward 6 hours. 6 hours of contractions every 2 minutes or so with the pitocin getting increased every 30 minutes so they are stronger. I had been using mindful meditation (thank you Dr. Greg White for teaching us this in school), lots of breathing and counter pressure to relieve the pain but I was getting tired and I made a deal with myself that if I was still only 3 centimeters dilated, I was getting something for the pain. When my wonderful nurse Jane came in to check me, that is exactly where I was... still at 3. Now I am also watching the clock. In 6 hours I have dilated one whole centimeter. My doctor will leave at 5, if I am going to be delivered by him things have to speed up! So I opted to get some drugs in my IV. I don't remember what it was, but it was awesome. I was able to relax between contractions, but the contractions still hurt! I got a couple of doses of that and had dilated a little more but I was still hurting A LOT. At about 4 (8 hours into labor) I decided to get the epidural. It must have been meant to be because the anesthesiologist was on the labor and delivery floor and there in minutes. He did a temporary spinal block to give me some relief until the epidural started working. I had a little more relief, and I could see the relief on everyone else's faces too. It was hard on everyone seeing how much pain I was in. But I still felt the contractions. I felt the tightness and pain in my hips and back. I remember from the girls that once I had the epidural I felt nothing! The doctors told me when I was contracting. That was my first clue that something was not quite right. The contractions still really hurt and nothing made it better! When my nurse checked me a little bit later I was a 7 but the baby needed to turn so I was put on my left side with my top leg in a stirrup in hopes that he would rotate and I would dilate more. When I was checked again I was a 9 with a little bit of a lip left so the nurse stretched my cervix the rest of the way and had me start to push. My doctor was there within minutes (it was right at 5:00). I pushed a few times, pushing was the only thing that eased the pain! Now I could not feel the nurse check me or any touching, I felt like my hips and back were breaking! When the nurse called my doctor she told us that she thought that the baby was coming face up and that Dr Van Kirk would have to turn him. Now, turning him involved not one hand but TWO in my vagina actually turning the baby over! I felt none of it. The doctor actually had to keep his hand on the baby the entire hour I pushed to keep him from turning back. Pushing was hard. That is all I knew. I saw nothing but my husband, my doula, the nurse and my doctor. I pushed when I was told and rested when I was told that was it. That was all that I was aware of. I heard the doctor say something about the cord around the baby's neck and more people came into the room. But that was not scary for me. I had a job to do, all I could focus on was pushing and breathing when I was not pushing. Finally at 5:57 pm baby Isaac came into the world. He was placed on my tummy where he was greeted by his parents and they got to cut the cord that had bound us together for 39 weeks. He weighed 8 pounds 9 ounces and was 21 inches long.  With only 10 hours of labor he was my shortest labor by 3 hours and the lightest baby by an ounce.
   The delivery was hard for me but not what I would call traumatic. But according to the other people in the room it was pretty traumatic!!
   Even with the few complications Isaac was beautiful and healthy. He has a ton of hair. As I tried to recover from the exertion of giving birth, every minute of pain was worth it. I got to witness two people who have been waiting for so long see their baby for the first time. They got down and made eye contact with him and spoke to him and the nurses did their thing. It was an amazing moment.
   After the nurses got him all cleaned up and both of his parents got to hold him, they brought him to me. He is such a beautiful baby and I am so honored that they shared some of their precious first moments with me. Actually, not just me, but my family as well before he was 2 hours old my children came up and got to meet him as well. Here are a few pictures of the first few hours.

I could not have wished for a better delivery experience. And I was so blessed by the love and support that I had that day and by the parents being so open and willing to sharing their precious baby with my family and I.
   That night the baby and his parents stayed in a room on the third floor and I had my own room in pediatrics. It was a long night. Not because I was sad but because I couldn't sleep! I had such a feeling of accomplishment and peace. I had just brought a baby into the world that made a couple a family. This was for sure one of my biggest accomplishments and something that I am very proud of. I have done a lot in my 32 years. I have beautiful children of my own, I have adopted, I have completed college degrees BUT how many people can say that they helped make a family for someone else? Only a select few. I have been asked several times in the last few days if I would do it again and I would with out a doubt do it again.
  So how am I now, 4 days later? I am ok. My physical discomfort is minimal. I had no stitches or tearing. I am pumping and having good production (thanks to my placenta pills). I am tired and I forge to take it easy since I don't have a new born to remind me! Emotionally I am ok too. I do not feel like I should have left with a baby or have a desire to care for him. I did have a bit of an emotional day Saturday but once I started the placenta pills I feel much better. I may have a harder time once my surro family is not here in town, but for now I am feeling good.
   I also got another great honor. As I have mentioned from the start of this journey, I have felt that this is something that God called me to do and to make it all come around full circle the parents have asked me to be Isaacs Godmother. I couldn't be more honored to hold such a title for the little guy that I shared a body with!!
   Now I had thought that this was going to be the end of this journey, but it is not, it is just a new chapter......