Now it wouldn't be complete if I didn't share about the proposal. With both of us being divorced we started the relationship pretty much never wanting to be married again. But as things quickly progressed it didn't seem so scary. Then one day as we were talking about maybe doing a "commitment ceremony" there was a shift in thinking. Brandon had mentioned wanting me to take his name. While I was flattered, that is a huge pain and expense if we weren't legally married. We had talked about the pros and cons a few times. I was sure at this point that I wanted to be Brandon's wife. He was a little more cautious. I wanted him to be sure as well, like 100%, no doubts sure, not just get married because it seemed like a good idea. On the phone one night as we talked he said something along the lines of how getting legally married wouldn't be that bad. I didn't say much but the next day I kind of gave him an out and acknowledge that I had heard his words but that it was ok if he had said that just in a moment of some sort of weakness. From that day on he was 100% in as well. We started planning pretty much right away. I knew the date I wanted, he agreed. We kept it pretty quiet for a bit. We told our kids, then our parents. He even asked my dad for his blessing. We knew that we wanted to get married on the beach, and since we are getting married on a holiday weekend we took a trip to the coast and booked our venue... all BEFORE we were actually engaged! I knew that he would do a proper proposal, he knew this was important to me. But I didn't know when or where. We had planned our first combined family camping trip for labor day. Brandon and the girls had been planning a surprise proposal behind my back! We had talked about doing engagement pictures on the beach, without being engaged yet, so Kaylee brought her camera. We went down to my favorite beach and the girls watched the little kids while Brandon and I took a walk. When we got back the kids were all sitting on the beach together, which I thought was odd. Then Brandon pulled me into a heart made from flowers and proposed in front of the kids and a bunch of people on the beach. It was perfect and I was so surprised that they had pulled everything off without me suspecting anything! Here is one of the pictures Kaylee captured. It is my favorite!
We had a great dinner. It was so nice to visit. You could just feel their anticipation. I was pretty tired because as you can imagine, I did not spend my first day off relaxing. I took care of car stuff, took a nice long walk, stopping to do lunges every so often, got my taxes done.... basically all of the stuff I don't have time for while I'm working! So we called it a night and headed home.
By the time I got home and got to bed it was after 10, then it takes forever to get comfortable so really it was after 11 when I actually fell asleep. That's when shit got real. At some point a felt a contraction that hurt, but I thought I was dreaming. I kind of dozed back off and felt another one. I didn't think much of it but since I was awake I got up to pee. I noticed that my pants were a little wet, being 39 weeks pregnant with my fourth pregnancy I wasn't too concerned. I get hot and sweat a ton at night and I figured that it was pretty possible that I had peed my pants a little. I sat up on the edge of the bed for a minute because laying down caused my hips to get so sore that I could hardly move for a few minutes. Then I stood up..... I felt a pop and a HUGE gush that kept going and going and going.... seriously like the energizer bunny. I was in complete shock, I have never had my water break on it's own, always at the hospital with the doctors help. So me being me my reaction was to stand there saying "Oh shit!" Apparently that was enough to wake Brandon up. He was smart enough to look at his phone and see that it was 1:05 am. This is important because they will ask you at the hospital what time your water broke. I really couldn't do anything but stand there and let the massive tidal waves continue to gush. Brandon described it as sounding like a water balloon had fallen out of my vagina. I just went completely dumb. I couldn't think of what I needed to do, other than pee. I still had to pee but I didn't want to move and make a bigger mess! I had Brandon get towels, like every one in the house. As he put some on the floor to soak up the lake and helped me get my pants off I started to think again. I instantly became concerned that I needed to get to the hospital so that I can get the first dose of antibiotics. Having never experienced labor like this I never made a plan with my doctor on who to call, him or the hospital, if something like this happened. I went with the hospital and told them that it was a surrogate pregnancy so they could have a big room ready. Then I tried to figure out what to put on to go to the hospital. This was a big decision. Water was still gushing out every time I moved controlled only by the towel that I tried to hold between my legs as I waddled around. I decided a long dress would work since pants would just get wet. Brandon got the rest of the stuff that we would need packed and in the car. He made sure that there were lots of towels covering the leather seats of his new Cadillac! My car was in the shop and we had the shop owners car so we decided the Caddy was the best option. I called my mom and let her know and then made the call to the dads! Now I'm sure that they realized that something was going on when I called at 1Am, but there was a little disbelief in their voice when I told them my water had broken. I also left a message for my doula to let her know we were going to the hospital. The next move was to waddle down the hall and wake the kids up. Kimberly woke up and agreed to get all of the animals taken care of before she went to school. We figured it would be a while before the baby actually came since I tend to have long labors. Kaylee was the entertaining one. She thought I was waking her up for school. She asked a few times if I was serious. I informed her that I was not up at 1am pissing myself for the enjoyment of waking her up and getting her excited, my water had really broken. Now she has been telling me all along that she was going to the hospital with me but I figured that at 1AM she would just come up later as well. Not a chance. She got up and dressed and was not leaving my side.
I found it quite difficult to hold the towel between my legs and step up into the car but I managed. I continued to have contractions but things felt different for sure. Living as far out of town as we do the roads are not all that well maintained. I felt every bump! I was a little worried that maybe the baby was low and that is what caused my water to break so there was a bit of worry that he may fall out going over the bumps but in reality I knew there was a long way to go! It was the longest ride ever. I was uncomfortable and trying to plan how I was going to get out of the car and up to labor and delivery without flashing my whole ass to the town or leaving a trail of puddles. As we got to the hospital I had Brandon drive up to the emergency room door, him and Kaylee were to make sure that my dress got pulled down when I got out, they totally handled that! Then he went to park and Kaylee and I went in. Now I'm pretty sure that Brandon said something to Kaylee about a wheelchair but that wasn't happening. I have seen the people that sit in hospital wheelchairs and no way was my bare ass going in one so as he parked I walked! For a brief moment I was a little self conscious of walking into the ER aka homeless night time shelter, while trying to hold a big blue towel between my legs but I got over it quickly! Kaylee and I made our way through the ER and down the hall to the elevators. I was still having contractions and they seemed to pick up while I walked. We got to labor and delivery where we did some paperwork and were taken back to a room. Before I had time to pee and change into my sexy hospital gown Brandon and the guys had made it up. The first step was to confirm that my water had really broken. I understand that it is common to pee your pants and think that your water had broken but there was so much fluid, I did not have a doubt in my mind. With the girls they checked to see if your water had broken by rubbing a tiny strip of paper on the opening of the vagina and it would change color if there was amniotic fluid present. This time they shoved a long q-tip, like the ones they do strep test with, way up inside and left it there for like a minute. Then it went into a vial and another strip that looked like a pregnancy test was put in the vial. If a line showed up it confirmed that there was amniotic fluid present. It quickly showed that I was not just peeing myself and that my water had, in fact, broken. I was quickly disappointed as my hopes of not having to be hooked up to monitors were quickly squished. I figured since I hadn't been induced there was a chance, but they said no. They hooked me up and contacted my doctor. He said that if by 5 or 6 my contractions weren't more productive he wanted me to have pitocin. This didn't surprise me, I always have to get it. Plus Adam had to make his appearance before 5 when my doctor got off. He was on call Monday night. Tuesday was none other than the ONE doctor I will not let touch me. I labored for the next few hours pretty easily. I felt the contractions but they weren't bad. At one point I tried to get some sleep before the pitocin because I knew I wouldn't sleep with it. Sleep wasn't happening anyway.
My doula got there about the time they hooked up the pitocin. She was amazing. for the next few hours she had Brandon and I in every position you can think of. I was on the ball, lunging while holding on to him, standing with one leg on the bed lunging DURING contractions. That was the hard part. I really wanted to just freeze with the pain but she encouraged me to move with the pain and help move the baby down. At one point I was on all fours on the bed with Brandon behind me applying counter pressure to my back. It was pretty intense. To try and help me relax we played music, not just any music either, I totally labored to Luke Bryan! Kaylee was in charge of the music. The nurse was concerned that the baby was coming face up so she made me lay in bed in a few different positions to try to move him. Everyone was great. The guys were very mellow, even though one of them was super sick, Kaylee just kind of sat back and took it all in and Brandon was amazing. He was right there by my side doing whatever I needed him to do. As I laid in the bed unable to do anything to relieve the pain I began to get tired. Not like the I'm a little sleepy tired either. It was the absolute exhaustion tired. I was only dilated to 5 so I decided to get a shot in my IV for some pain relief, all it really did was make me tired between contractions. At this point everyone had left to get food but my doula. As I laid there through a couple more contractions I noticed that the nurse was having me change position a lot. She then mentioned that the baby did not like the shot. I decided then that it was time to get the epidural. The baby needed to come out, we were both tired and getting stressed at this point. So by the time everyone got back into the room I was feeling very little of the contractions. We had called to get Kimberly out of school and called my mom to let her know it wouldn't be long. That is typically what happens with me, once I get the epidural and relax I dilate and the baby comes pretty fast. I have to admit that I was a little disappointed in myself for getting the epidural and not continuing drug free but I accepted that I was exhausted and the baby needed to come soon.
With this being my fourth delivery I was pretty aware of how the epidural affects me. I was concerned that it may be scary for Kaylee so I tried to warn her. I told her that I would dilate quickly and that I would start to shiver as things got closer and that's exactly what happened. I went from 5 to 8 in just a half hour or so. Within another half hour I was fully dilated. But my mom wasn't there yet! As I started to push the girls kept texting her, she was on her way. I was surprised at the roles that the girls took during delivery. Kimberly sat back with the babys parents and Kaylee and Brandon each held one of my legs. I pushed for a long time with the nurse. I WAS SO TIRED... I really started to worry that I was not going to be able to push him out. We knew he was big and I did not feel like I had the energy to push anymore. We made a little progress, as I pushed everyone was able to look and see his head and that he had hair. I have to admit it was a little wierd to have everyone checking out my gaping vagina to see the babys' head but at that point I really didn't care. The pope himself could have been in there and it wouldn't have mattered. I pushed for about an hour before they called my doctor, they were not positive that he had turned from face up. At some point my mom did arrive and took her place by my head. I was waiting for them to kick people out but they let me keep everyone. I delivered with my mom, Kaylee, Kimberly, my doula, Brandon and both parents by my side.
As we waited for Dr. Van Kirk to arrive the nurse had me only push with every other contraction. I found out later that the pitocin was causing me to have too many contractions and I was too exhausted to keep pushing with every contraction and so little progress. When Dr. VanKirk arrived he watched as I pushed through one contraction and then took his typical place at the foot of the bed with both hands elbows deep in my vagina.... thank GOD for the epidural.... As I pushed he pulled and moved the baby. He was able to confirm that he was in the proper position but he was struggling to make it under by bones. After a couple of contractions with the doctors help the babys head made it under the bones and into the birth canal. As he crowned the nurse stood on a stool and manipulated my belly as I pushed. I guess because of how much I gained they were concerned that his shoulders could get stuck. After more than an hour and a half and 11 hours of labor baby Adam made it into the world at 11:45am!
This is another one of my favorite pictures. This is our final visit before I went home from the hospital. I feel like it is a pretty accurate representation of how exhausted I was. I had been up since 1am after only 3 hours of sleep and pushed a huge baby out! The kids took little power naps but sleep wasn't happening for me. Because it was an uncomplicated vaginal birth I got to go home just a little before 7pm. Just about 7 hours after giving birth. As soon as we were released we went to Tortilla Flats for dinner and margaritas!
All through the pregnancy I was unsure if I would pump or not, but I was leaning towards not. Until I got home. Then I decided that I wanted the help losing weight and getting my body back so the day after delivery I started pumping. At first it was 4 times a day but I quickly went down to 3. Even at only 3 times a day I pump around 60 ounces. I found a local baby that will take the milk. Pumping is quickly growing old. It is very demanding and time consuming. About a week after delivery I caught a cold which went into a sinus/ear infection. The meds I could take to relieve the discomfort affect milk supply so I won't take them. Now, 3 weeks after taking antibiotics I still cannot hear! After a visit to my ENT he encouraged me to take a decongestant which will dry out the fluid in my ear so I can hear again, but it may also dry up my milk supply. As much as I dislike pumping, I am a little sad and feeling guilty. I am not quite ready to commit to weaning. I see so many women who pump like crazy to get less milk than what I make with very little effort. Then I see the baby that gets my milk and I feel guilty that I have the ability to continue to help him, but for selfish reasons I want to stop. There are also some perks to pumping. 3 times a day I have HUGE perky boobs. I like having a supply on hand when we need it. So far just about everyone in the house has had some sort of breast milk treatment for an illness or injury. The kids have even shared milk with friends that they thought needed it. When I do stop I'll be sure to keep some on hand for all of those things. But pumping is painful and there are restrictions on what I can put into my body. Then there is the pump to lug around if I'll be out at pumping time, scheduling so I can pump, and all of the washing, sanitizing and storing. It is a lot to add to myself right now. I am also nervous about weaning. I am off for a few more days so I can get a start on the engorgement and leaking that I am sure to get. I also worry about getting mastitis, shat shit is miserable! Its a big decision that I have been struggling with since before I delivered.
SOOO, recovery.... After I had Isaac I really had to be reminded that I had just delivered. That was not the case with this one. I have had a more difficult recovery this time. Physically I have had more discomfort. For the first week or so my hips/lower back continued to hurt. I had thought that maybe they were out of alignment or something but then I read about sciatic nerve pain and it sounds like it could have been that too. Whatever it was, the pain is gone now. I did lose quite a bit of weight quickly, about 35 pounds. I can now get my pre-pregnancy jeans on. They are snug, but buttoned. I still have about 40 pounds to get to where I was when I started meds though. I also had some discomfort from an abdominal separation. I noticed a bump on my upper stomach pretty early on and basically the abdominal muscles separated. I guess it is pretty common and gets worse with each pregnancy. If it doesn't get better after delivery it can be surgically repaired when I am done having babies. I don't notice it as much now, but the first couple of weeks after delivery it felt like my guts were falling out. I got a belly binder that helps, but my sensory quirks keep me from wearing that a lot. It basically squeezes everything back together. In addition to being squeezy, it is kind of itch and rolls up or down when I move which usually results in it's prompt removal. I have also continued to have bleeding off and on much longer than I did with the previous deliveries. I'm sure it is because I do too much. I have every intention of resting but it seems that there is always something someone needs or something that I have to do. It has been that way from the day I after I delivered. Before I left the hospital blood work that they needed was not done so I had to go back to my ob the next day and get the orders, then go back to the hospital to do the draw. Then while we were in Redding we got a few things that we needed to do done... that is pretty much my daily routine. I will have one thing to do which quickly turns into just doing a few more things since I am out anyway. I have also felt that this time other people have forgotten that I just delivered and that I should be recovering. Everyone's words say that they know that I had a baby but their actions and demands do not. Those things simply say "you are the mom, keep doing everything you always do". I don't think anyone intends to put so much on me. I'm sure that they figure that having me do one thing won't hurt, but when it's multiple people that want one thing it adds up to me being exhausted and overwhelmed.
And here is the part I have kept pretty quiet, the emotional recovery. It has been rough this time. Not anything specific to the baby, if anything that was easier this time. I know that he has amazing parents and that I will get to continue to watch both boys grow. It has just been life that is getting me. I find that I have very little ability to cope with anything. I get mad easy, I cry easy, I am having a daily battle with myself. A lot of times I just want to hide from everyone and when we have all of the little kids, that is what I do. I just sit in our room. I can't handle the noise or whining or fighting or messes. I do what I need to do, but its a struggle. I am still so tired. I would love to sleep a day away but my boobs won't let me! I am also having the body image battle that I expected. It is a challenge to have a postpartum body without a baby. I can see that my body is going back to pre-baby I just have to remind myself that it has only been 4 weeks since I gave birth to an almost 10 pound baby. Brandon has been great, he really does try to help, but even that is a challenge for me. I am used to doing things on my own, its hard to let go of a little control and let him help. I feel guilty that so much of the household responsibilities have fallen on him, especially now when he works all day and then has to do so much at home. I try to objectively look and make a decision on if I need to get more help. If I was wearing my therapist hat and someone was telling me they felt the way I do I would probably lean towards postpartum depression. I know that hormonal changes are playing a role too. As is my need to take care of everyone and everything and my high standards. I am trying to make an effort to recognize what I need to do to feel ok again and to really do it, hence me still being off work. Last week I'm pretty sure I cried every day. My plan was to only be off 3 weeks. My postpartum check up was scheduled for 3 weeks and 2 days so I really was planning to go back this week, just shy of 4 weeks. With the support of some fellow surrogates who helped me not feel as guilty for needing more time, and Brandon's support and encouragement to take care of myself, I was able to accept that I was not ready to go back. The little kids are not here this week so I have a little bit of quiet time. My hope is to have time to relax and rest, but that is not looking so promising. What I really need is a weekend of self care on the beach but thanks to the roads being closed that is not very easy to do. I have seriously thought about it though, a 5-6 hour drive may be worth it to soothe my soul. That has always been my coping tool, when life gets to be too much I just need a day at the beach. But there are other things to consider now too, like paying for a wedding and a trip to Paris, plus two kids graduating. Once again, I will put my needs aside for everyone else. If I didn't I'd probably sit on the beach feeling guilty anyway. We have done little things, we went on a nice date, Brandon helps as much as he can, we have talked to the kids about helping too. With the kids it's really just easier and less stressful for me to continue to do everything. To get them to help I have to specifically ask them to do something which may lead to an argument of "that's not my job" or they will do it "in a minute" which leads to it driving me crazy until I just do it. So right now things are a little tough. I know it will get better as hormones stabilize and we all adjust to me not being pregnant again. Not being 100% ok is a scary place for me because I remember how bad things got during my first divorce when I got really depressed. That is why Brandon and I talk about how I am doing, he is aware and making sure I am really ok and tries to recognize when I am barely holding on. I know that I am not dealing with everything alone this time, I have someone by my side to help and to step in if I start to struggle too much.
The plan after this pregnancy was to be able to take the girls to Paris. I want them not only to get to see the babies and what a beautiful place they live in, but to experience a trip out of the US and see all of the beauty of another country and culture. We have booked our plane tickets and ordered passports! I can't wait for them to experience Paris. I know for me there was a "Holy shit, we are in another country across the world from small town Cottonwood" moment when we arrived. The whole trip was like that. I could not believe that I was actually getting to experience a trip like that. It makes me so happy that Brandon and I will get to share that experience with the girls. He has never been out of the country either. We are going just about 7 weeks after we get married so it will be like a honeymoon for us.... with kids..... Maybe we will be able to get away for a date in Paris!
I am asked all the time if I am done or if I would carry again. I would like to carry one more time. If not for this family again I have an idea of what I would look for to rematch. We have plenty of time to think about it. I have to drop about 40 pounds before I can re-screen and my doctor wants a year between pregnancies. The agency will contact me at 4 months postpartum and ask if I want to carry again. There is a lot to get through before that time comes! For now, I am working on adjusting to not being pregnant again and all of the changes in my life that I have going on right now.
Thank you to everyone who has supported us through these journeys, we have been able to make a couples dreams of parenthood come true.... TWICE! Growing a family has definitely been a team effort.