The first trimester

I have noticed that just as with baby books when you have multiple kids, I am slacking on blogging on this journey. Some of it is just time. Between kids and work and a new relationship I stay pretty busy. And I am tired!! For the first 5 weeks or so I was pretty nauseous but have only thrown up a few times, which is much better than I was with Isaac. Overall I feel pretty good as long as it is not too hot and I can take a nap! I was a little concerned about being pregnant and a single mom but I have had a lot of help. I have had to let go of some of my issues with the house, it is usually messier than I like but with my kids and all of the extras that I usually have it's hard to keep up! I don't feel as moody as I was in the beginning. I think everyone was a little scared for a few weeks! I was tired and didn't feel good most of the day, I was either crying or mad a lot of the time. Nothing like a pregnancy with extra hormones to test a new relationship, but so far so good. He has been a trooper through the mood swings and exhaustion.
  So far we have had 3 ultrasounds and everything looks good. There is one macaroon that continues to measure right on schedule with a strong heart beat of 150 bpm. Here is the 6 week ultrasound. It was so moving to get to see the baby's heartbeat and get proof that I really am pregnant and not just going crazy!

I found the 8 week ultrasound to be a relief. I had been concerned because I had been feeling sick most of the day up to 7 weeks, then it all stopped and I felt good. Everything was prefect. I was able to stop shots after this appointment. While this was a relief because I still had big knots, I was really hoping to stop the vaginal suppositories aka chalk rockets. Those are horrible and gross. I even asked if I could stop them and continue shots but I was told no... I had also still been struggling with my blood pressure, but only at the OB's office. I really don't think that he believed me that my high blood pressure was anxiety based even with a note from a doctor. I was concerned that I would not be cleared for another pregnancy if I could not get my bp under control. This appointment was no exception, bp was high. The highlight of this appointment was taking my niece and mom. Specifically my mother. I am sure that I had told her that it was a vaginal ultrasound, but the look of shock on her face when she found out was priceless. Now I couldn't really care less. I have had so many people up in my junk through my pregnancies, especially surrogate ones that modesty is a thing of the past, but not for my poor mother. She was embarrassed enough for both of us! 

Here is the little 8 week macaroon. It reminds me a lot of a weeble, you know those old baby toys without legs that weeble and wobble but don't fall down?! But you can see the head more defined and the start of arms and legs. 

The 10 week ultrasound was the coolest so far. I was much more relaxed, my bp was much better this time. Dallys was with me again and just as she asked the doctor if the baby could move yet it began to wiggle around! It even looked like the baby was waving! The day after this appointment I had another blood test that will test for genetic abnormalities and also the gender! In the next week or so we will know if the macaroon is a boy or girl! I also had to schedule a level 2 ultrasound at UC Davis. I'm still lost on why but what I was told was that it is because I will be 35 when I deliver and it doesn't matter that the baby is from the egg of a 30 year old. I'm excited to have a better view of the baby and hopefully to get to spend the day with the parents AND of course eating at Rubios in Sacramento, but it seems silly to do so much testing when we have already had genetic testing. Plus it is added expense for the parents and a day I have to miss work. But, I have to do what the doctor recommends so I will be there!

Physically I notice some changes but I don't think it shows as much as with Isaac. We are able to feel the baby bump forming but really I look more fat than pregnant. I am sure that is due to the 30 extra pounds I gained on meds this time. I would be lying if I said that the weight gain didn't bother me. I remember the struggle of losing it all before and after Isaac. My goal is not to gain much this time so there isn't as much to lose. I won't have the added calorie burn of pumping this time. I don't plan on pumping unless they want milk for the macaroon. It is just too much work to pump for 30 minutes every 3 hours around the clock, clean and sanitize everything, store milk, ship milk ect. Then there are the dietary limitations of breast feeding as well to consider. I am just too busy to be willing to go through all of that again if it isn't for a baby I carry. I have resorted to living in basically anything with an elastic waistband. I tried to wear some capris that are stretchy to the coast and I was so uncomfortable that I ended up driving over with my pants undone and buying more workout pants when I got there. It is not so much that I can't get them buttoned as it is that it hurts to have the constant pressure on the grapefruit in my belly!
   Other exciting news this week at 11 weeks I was able to pick up the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler and record it for the baby's parents to hear. It is so amazing to have that proof that there is a little life growing inside of me. 
  I find that even with this being my fourth pregnancy I am much more cautious with this baby than my own. It is a big compliment to be trusted to grow someone elses baby and and I don't want to do anything wrong that could hurt the baby. I have significantly cut my caffeine, which is a challenge for sure. There have only been a few food that I have had to avoid that I would normally eat so that hasn't been bad. But its that day to day stuff I worry about, what if I trip? Walking past inconsiderate people smoking outside of stores, using both of my allergy meds, crowds where people could bump into me, it can be a bit overwhelming and I feel a bit like I try to live in a bubble. I wouldn't say that I really go THAT far, but I am more cautious. It has been a struggle to do stuff like I want to. I have so many control issues it is hard to force myself to let other people help me. I feel a bit like a dictator telling everyone what to do but so far no one has complained much. Most of the burden has fallen on my girls and Brandon but they all help whenever I need it. The girls may not always like it but they will help. Even Kimberly's boyfriend helps! If he is here he will take out the trash, help me carry in groceries and do the heavy lifting. I feel so lucky to have so many people around who not only care about me, but about the family that we are helping to grow. The baby's parents have been great too. In addition to my frequent Isaac updates and random thinking about you emails and texts I regularly get asked about how I am doing and feeling. I know that having me get pregnant at a time in my life that was so full of transitions must have been stressful for them. But as many of my family and friends have pointed out lately, I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Not ex bashing, I don't think that either George or I ever intentionally tried to make the other unhappy, but as we have both met people that compliment us we have realized how different we are and how we grew apart over the years. It is such an amazing feeling to have someone want to do the things you enjoy with you rather than because you make them. It is even better when they enjoy those things as well. It is nice to know that my home can be open for my kids and their friends to hang out and be silly without it annoying anyone, my mom can be around us without it being awkward, it is just so much less stress to have a partner that really gets me and wants to be a part of my life rather than sticks around because of a piece of paper. George is happy too, his girlfriend hates camping and loves the Chargers! I am glad that he found someone as well. There is still no drama, we all can get along. Our divorce is going along pretty simply and easily. He is also still supportive of the surrogacy and helps when I need him to. There will still be legal documents later on that he will have to sign for parentage since we were married when I got pregnant and he is still willing to do all of that as well. So yes, I am technically a single mom of 3, pregnant in my mid thirties, but I have never felt so loved and supported in my life.
It is a struggle to tell people about the pregnancy, there is always the battle of questions. I am very open about surrogacy, as I think it is important to get the good stories out there to counteract the bad ones. I also think a lot of the negativity comes from ignorance and really not knowing how things work. It drives me insane every time I am asked how much I am paid to carry a baby. First of all, it's no ones business, second the agency ensures that you are financially stable before you are even allowed to start the process to become a surrogate, but mostly  IT IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY! I am pregnant 24/7, I go through restrictions and crazy medical protocols, my family deals with it as well. The money is compensation for those things. Some of it is used to help us live more comfortably. But most of it will be used to take the girls to Europe next summer so they can experience Rome and Paris AND get to visit our surro family! Surrogacy has allowed my family to experience things that would have never been possible any other way. Aside from the relationship growth they experienced by gaining family around the world and seeing what it is like to do something for someone else, they got to experience having a stay at home mom and a week at Disneyland, plus so many little things. The other pet peeve I have is when people say what a great person I am. While it is true that not everyone can grow a baby and and then have it go home with someone else, I can. I couldn't find a good reason NOT to do this the first time and this time there was never a question, it just seemed like part of our original deal, I knew they wanted two babies and there was no way in hell I wasn't going to carry the second one too! I don't see it as something extraordinary that I do, it is an experience that I am privileged to be a part of. I enjoy being pregnant AND I get to witness a couples dream of being parents come true. I really feel like the lucky one. Especially when I get to have so much contact with them and see how happy they are and how much Isaac is growing. I hear horror stories of surros that never hear from their surro families once the baby is born, I am so lucky that is not our experience. So no, I don't think that I am doing anything worthy of praise, I am just following the path that I feel is right for me and that path happens to make other lives better, its a win-win for us all.
 Every day this baby is exposed to good things like love and laughter. It already gets lots of pokes and belly rubs and greetings. Hopefully in February the guys will take home a baby that is as happy and healthy as Isaac and he or she will continued to know that they are loved by so many people from all over the world!  

The little Macaroon

Yes, each embryo has it's own name, just as any child would. Choosing a nick name is part of the fun for my kids. So far there has been escargot, French Fry (Isaac), tator tot and now a macaroon.
   I really struggled to get excited about this cycle. I went to the appointments but could never bring myself to write about them. I didn't want to get too excited. I didn't take pictures. I didn't really even tell anyone I was cycling again. I guess I was a little numb. These appointments were so much different. Everything was perfect besides my blood pressure. My ob and I have gone rounds over my blood pressure. It is only high IN HIS OFFICE! I have gone to a regular doctor a few times now to get it checked out and it is fine. My ob thinks I am full of shit and that there is no way it can be so high in his office and fine after I leave but it is. I get so anxious over the monitoring appointments. I want things to go smoothly so badly. I know how much weighs on those appointments. I was especially nervous at these ones after my lining didn't get thick enough on the first cycle and had to grow and extra week on the second. But there was not a single issue with the lining this time, it all looked perfect. Once I got the all clear from my MD that my blood pressure was ok we were set to transfer.
  To keep up with my year of change, George and I filed for divorce and we both started dating other people. ( yes, we get along still.... no drama). I really expected it to be a challenge to find someone who would be accepting of my family, the fact that I have been married TWICE and that I am trying to get pregnant with someone else's baby. There were some creeps, but there was one that was not! There was one that turned my world and everything that I thought I wanted upside down, he gets me and accepts me and all of my baggage. We compliment each other in ways that I never imagined possible and our kids all get along, all 5 of them. So what better to do with someone that you have been dating for a month than take them to watch you get pregnant with another mans baby? When I mentioned it he didn't flinch at all and I am so glad that I have had him by my side through this process. He is even giving me most of my shots now, which I am so grateful for because it's so much easier than me doing them!
  Since I am so new at my job I wanted to take as little time off as possible.  I arranged for us to leave Friday evening and come back Sunday. I was a little nervous because the hotel that I normally stay at was booked and we had to stay somewhere else. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to find all of the places that I like from the new hotel, but we ended up being even closer to the restaurants. My other stressor was that we had to be at HRC at 6:30 am! What doctor's office opens at such a God awful time? The hotel shuttle didn't run that early so we ended up using uber. It was super easy and we got there on time. The last transfer HRC had me down to be there an hour earlier than the time on the email that I received so this time I was a little crazy about checking the times and setting an alarm.
   The morning of transfer as I start to wake up I notice how light it is. I HATE mornings so it didn't really register that it may be later than I expected for a few minutes. When I finally rolled over and looked it was 5:50, I had set a silent alarm! We had 25 minutes to get ready! Luckily there was a liter of water in the room so I could start drinking. I got dressed and brushed my hair and teeth and we were off. Part of me was a little disturbed about not showering before sitting half naked on a table for over an hour, but that part was overridden by the part that screamed "that's what you get for scheduling the procedure so fucking early".
   Once we got there we were taken back pretty quickly, and as always with me, my bladder was not full enough and I had to drink more water. I cannot seem to get it through any doctor's head that my bladder is like a balloon. It's hard to fill at first but once it starts it goes quickly. The nurse came in a few minutes later and decided that it was full enough. She said the doctor would be right in..... it felt like hours. Really it was probably just a half hour or so but by that point my bladder was super full and I am calculating how much loner I will have to hold it..... at least another half hour after the doctor comes in!! He finally came in and got everything set up. The doctor very clearly told us that we were transferring one PERFECT embryo, but when he printed the picture of my uterus after the transfer there are two little white spots. He still assured us that there was only one embryo! Now the hard part of laying on the table and trying not to think about how bad I have to pee!! Luckily this time it was only 10 minutes that I had to wait, my first journey it was 30! Once I could get up and go, someone was in the bathroom so I had to wait, and wait and wait until a nurse felt sorry for me and took me to a different bathroom. Then it was another 10 minutes of laying down and I could pee again and head back to the hotel.

   Previous transfers the bed rest about killed me, I was so bored! I have read entire books, watched seasons of shows.... it was torture! This time was much different, I guess it was the good company that I had! We watched parts of movies and napped all day long, it was so nice! I didn't have a worry in the world. Traveling back home was uneventful as well.
   Now comes the hard part.... waiting to find out if it took! This was a 5 day embryo so realistically I could get a positive 5 days after transfer. With Isaac I got positives just shy of 4 days. This time by day3 I knew I was pregnant. Much like when I was pregnant with Kimberly, there were no signs, I just knew. I took a test at day 3 and if I held it just right with light behind it I could see the faintest of lines. By day 4 in the morning I was pretty sure I could see a line if I held the test just right. By mid day on day 4 I decided that I would try a digital and just see what happened. I bought a 2 pack because I was totally expecting it to still say negative..... I took it at work and camped out in the bathroom for the longest 3 minutes of my life. Then it popped up....PREGNANT! I was seriously shocked! Even though I knew I was pregnant, I thought it was too early to get a positive on a digital. Of course that wasn't good enough, I have to keep peeing to make sure that the line gets darker, which it has! I feel pregnant too. I am tired, emotional and spend most of my day wanting to puke.

 
 Now the moment of truth.... Beta!A level of 50-100 is needed to be considered pregnant and I was at 423!!! We are officially pregnant! Next beta is in the morning and then one more before the heart beat ultrasound. The hope is that the numbers will at least double. Thank you to all of you that have asked about how things were going and offered support. I am so happy to have good news to share!

Moving on

After our transfer in March I was hopeful that Tator Tot would be our one such wonder, but that was not the case. As anyone who knows me would assume, I started taking home pregnancy tests slightly earlier than would be reasonable and got negatives. I held out hope until about day 7. With Isaac I had a positive by day 4. This one was only a 3 day embryo so I allowed a little more time but by that point I just knew. It was confirmed on April 1 that the transfer had failed. We were all very disappointed. It is a pretty sensitive subject for the parents so I will just focus on what it was like for me, as I find that writing helps me to process and from day one I wanted to do this blog to document the good and not so good parts of helping to create a family.
   After I started to suspect that I was not pregnant I still had to continue all of the medications that I was on. Let me just tell you, it is hard to continue to give yourself shots knowing that there is no point in doing it. I also cried.... a lot. My heart broke for the parents because I knew that this loss would be hard on them. I really tried to go back over everything I had done in the 12 days from transfer to beta to see if there was anything that I could have done differently, there was not. I was extremely careful this time. I was pretty depressed for a little bit. Not getting pregnant this time means that I only have a one out of three pregnancy success rate, for some reason this was really hard on me. The first time that I talked to one of the parents after we got the news was horrible. I just didn't know what to say and I was really glad that we were not Facetiming because I cried the whole time. Even though I knew that there was nothing that I could have done differently, I felt like I had let them down. I was just overwhelmed. I had a minor breakdown over not being able to start my lawn mower and a fellow surrogate and friend was there to support me. She surprised me by bringing her family over to help me with the yard work. It seems like something so simple, but it meant so much to me. I stood in my driveway with her and cried some more. I was sad over the loss of the dream, moved by a friend who cared enough to notice that I wasn't ok, and overwhelmed with all of the changes that were going on in my life. I think it is assumed that this process is easy for a surrogate because we know what we have signed up for, but it is not. Once you decide that this is what you want to do, your heart and soul is in it. Over 3 years ago I sat with D&G as we talked about their hopes and dreams as parents and I agreed to be a part of that journey. Seeing them with Isaac just seals the deal. There is no way I would allow anyone to make me feel guilty for choosing to help create a family for someone else. All of the emotional and physical struggles are worth it the second that they meet their baby. I will never forget the moment that Isaac was born and placed on my stomach and all three of us held him together or witnessing his parents adoring looks as the got to really see him for the first time. That was the instant that I realized that any discomfort that I experienced was temporary, and a distant memory. Helping make D&G's dreams of being parents has been not only one of my proudest accomplishments but also one of the most rewarding. Not getting pregnant this time may have been easier to deal with if I didn't have such a strong connection to my surro family, but that is not the case. There is a piece of my heart in Paris.
  It has taken me a month to be able to even write about the failed transfer. I have had several people ask so I figured that it was time to do what I always do and pick up the pieces and move on. We have another transfer planned for the end of May. I have my first monitoring appointment next week. I would be lying if I said that I was not nervous. I just started a new job 3 weeks ago and I am already asking for time off for the doctors appointments, but I am cautious about telling my employer that the appointments are to prepare to try and get pregnant for someone else since I have already lost one job after disclosing that information. Then there is the fear that there will be issues with my lining not getting thick enough again and of course the ultimate fear that I won't get pregnant again. I am trying to stay positive. I know that the whole process is just an educated guess by the doctors to get the timing and conditions perfect and that the fate is ultimately out of our hands. I try to look back on when I first started the process of becoming a surrogate, I had to trust that this was God's plan for me and that things would happen when they were supposed to. I am working on getting back to that thinking. I need to believe that everything happens for a reason and trust that however things turn out that it is for the best. I am hopeful that this time will be it and that we will have an uneventful cycle. I have probably the lowest stress level right now that I have had in a long time. There have been good changes and I am hopeful that this is it and that by the middle of June I will be able to write about a pregnancy again. I so miss being pregnant. Maybe not the first  8 weeks or so where everything made me throw up, but from that point forward it is amazing. There is nothing like feeling life growing inside of you. It is even more rewarding knowing that the life I will be growing is going to make another family's life even better.
  

Grow baby grow!

This journey, as was the last, has been such a roller coaster! After my lining was not quite thick enough and I was given one more week to thicken, I was super anxious. If you know me at all you know that I like routine and I was not excited about having an ultrasound somewhere other than MY Ob. I was nervous when I met the ultrasound tech. She asked if my bladder was full and I had to explain to her that it didn't need to be because I was having a vaginal ultrasound. Then she asked me what I was having checked so I had to explain that too. Then she took me down an elevator to a basement. I was shown to the restroom and told to strip from the waist down, put on a gown, THEN walk around the corner to an exam room. Super mortifying since there was a man sitting in a waiting room by the restroom. Once I got into the room the tech asked a bunch of questions and added the comment that I must get paid well to carry a baby. She then struggled to find both of my ovaries and said that my lining was a 7.6. The ultrasound that usually takes 10 minutes tops took over 30. I lwft feeling very discouraged. Then at about 4:15 I got a call from the RE's office in Pasadena saying that the imaging place could not send the pictured from my ultrasound, I would need to go and pick them up and send them myself. I left work a few minutes early and went back to the imaging center. They had already send the records to their main office. I had to go there (just a few miles away) and get the disk. After that I had to go home and figure out how to upload and send the images. The staff at the RE's office were all awaiting the results! As it turns out my lining was actually at 8.3 and I was given the all clear to start the additional meds and go to Pasadena for transfer!
  I was super nervous about starting the progesterone in oil. I remember the huge bruises and knots I got with it last time. So far the injection sites are just a little sore. I try to apply heat and rub really well. It is a difficult shot to do myself because it is so thick it is a little hard to push the plunger in when it is behind my back but I manage. I also started Endometrin which is also known as chalk rockets. That is because they look like a big chalk tablet and after they are inserted (vaginally) they proceed to  melt and ooze out. It is the nastiest feeling. I have to do 3 of those a day!!
  Traveling to Pasadena was uneventful. I left on Saturday got to explore a little and then went to bed. My instructions said to arrive at 9:15 for a 10:00 transfer and begin to drink a liter of water upon arrival. At a little after 8:30 I got a call from the RE's office asking where I was, they had the transfer down for 9:00!! I rechecked my paperwork and it very clearly said 10! We promptly left the room and caught the shuttle to HRC. I started drinking the water then and finished shortly after getting back into the room. It took a good 45 minutes though for my bladder to fill up enough, but when it did it went from empty to FULL!!

Here I am waiting for my bladder to fill. During this time I was texting the parents since we were all a little anxious. After the nurse checked me for the third time I was finally full enough. The transfer was short and sweet. The process only took a few minutes and I could pee after 10 and leave 20 minutes later.

This is the picture from transfer. The eggplant shaped dark blob is my very full bladder. Right below that is my uterus and there is a tiny little white spot that looks like a grain of rice, that is Tator Tot getting cozy. Kimberly said that it does not look like a tator tot yet but rather a potato pill.
  After that it was time to head back to the hotel and rest. I have been super cautious this time. I stayed in bed and have really been paying attention to my caffeine intake and how much I lift. Now the hardest part.... The two week wait for the official pregnancy test. The test is scheduled for April 1st of all days! We had a slight battle over home pregnancy tests. They say no test. I have no willpower. I will take home test but I wont tell them the results unless they ask. With Isaac I got a positive test a little under 4 days past transfer. This time the embryo had grown 3 days instead of 5 so I have to wait a little longer to test.

  Hopefully my next update will be about a positive

What a journey....

I titled this blog the Journey of Surrogacy, but really it is life that is the journey. I have not posted much about what is going on this cycle because honestly, I didn't want to jinx it or have to explain things over and over. The last few months have been full of ups and downs, not just with the hiccups with the surrogacy, but life in general. Sin.ce November I have lost my really good job and started a new one (making half of what I was), my husband and I separated, my daughter's car was in the shop, I adopted my diabetic cat that ended up having a $1300 emergency vet bill, and my car died and had to be replaced. It is A LOT. Many people asked why I didn't just put the surrogacy on hold, and quite honestly, carrying a sibling for Isaac is something positive that brings me joy. Yes there is physical and emotional stress, but overall being pregnant has always been when I felt the best.
   This time there is a little more need for things to be perfect. This cycle has started out anything but perfect. After our last cycle was dropped I was told to stop all meds, go on birth control for 2 weeks and then we would cycle again with my period. That is where it began, with my period. I kept being asked if I had started my period by the nurse and I didn't know what to tell her! They say to report the first day of full flow, well as expected and as was written on my calendar, I began to spot a few days after stopping birth control, then it stopped, then it started again, and stopped again. Finally on the morning of my first monitoring appointment I started. I started a new medical protocol this time that stopped my period after only 2 days! This time I was started out on more aggressive hormones. In addition to the supplements I was instructed to take 2 estradiol tablets, and then every three days inject .1cc of estradiol and have an estrogen patch. In order to transfer the uterine lining needs to be at least 8mm thick, at my first appointment it was around 4mm. That was fine given I had just started my period. Now me being me, I spent the next week stressing about what happens if my lining doesn't get thick enough this time too. Fast forward to my second appointment, it starts off with the nurse telling me that my blood pressure is high.... like 180/102 high. I have never had high blood pressure even though I have a family history of it, but I just had a physical in December and it wasn't high then. The doctor started off the appointment by telling me that he would not see me again if I did not go to my regular doctor and get my blood pressure checked! Then the ultrasound.... my lining was 5.8. I was very disappointed to see such a low number. Since I had made progress the doctor in Pasadena wanted to increase the estrogen to try to get my lining thicker in the next week. That meant shots going up to .2ccs and taking a third estradiol pill every day. I spent a week stressing about my stupid lining AND my blood pressure! Per my OB/GYN's orders I had my blood pressure checked, the same day that it was so high in their office it was 122/80. In December it was only 110/60! I swear it is just the anxiety of the monitoring appointments that makes my blood pressure go sky high! Now fast forward to this week.... I have been really working on relaxation and trying to lower my blood pressure, I even tried to function on one cup of coffee. All of the drama of the last few months has pretty much been resolved. I only had the stress of what my blood pressure would be and how thick my lining was. My blood pressure was still high, but not as high as last week. Then I sat and waited for the ultrasound just praying for the magical 8mm and triple stripe. I got 7.6! SERIOUSLY!!! .4mm off from a go to transfer on the 13th. I had no idea what would happen. Is it possible to grow .4mm by Sunday? Would they cancel over.4mm? As it turns out they pushed the transfer out a week to give me a little more time to have the perfect uterus. In the mean time I increase my estradiol shots to.3cc's and I will now do 2 estrogen patches! I have to go to a different office on Monday to have another ultrasound which will decide if we transfer this cycle or cancel.
   I know that I am doing everything in my power to make this journey successful, but there is still a part of me that questions if I did something wrong or if my lining would have been thicker if I had done something different. For the next 6 days all I can do is take my meds and try not to stress. It is in God's hands and I need to let it go. I don't know what happens if we have to drop this cycle too. I am not sure how many times they will cycle with me not having good results before they decide to drop me as a surrogate. I feel like my body is letting us all down. I trying to stay positive that we will have good results on Monday.

Delays....

Well February 7th has come and gone and my uterus is not housing an embryo as planned. After starting meds at the following appointment I was told that my lining was making progress but they upped my medication doses. I didn't think much of it and I don't remember if that happened last time or not. When I went in for my third and final lining check it was not good news. I started the appointment off super nervous, I kinda felt like something was wrong. If you remember from our last journey we had a dropped cycle, a failed transfer and then got pregnant, somehow I felt that it was not going to be smooth sailing this time either. Actually in the past year there has not been a lot of smooth sailing for me, every plan I make promptly goes to shit, but that's a whole different story. Back to the appointment, when Dr Van Kirk first put the ultrasound image up on the screen he said that my lining was not very thick. It was only measuring a little over 5 mm and it needs to be at least 8mm before they will even consider a transfer. He poked and prodded and tried different angles but it was still the same. For some reason my uterine lining did not thicken this round of meds. The next few hours waiting to hear what the next steps were sucked. I did some research and some things said that it may be possible to add meds and thicken the lining but I only had a few days. I frantically watched my email knowing that the transfer would be cancelled. A few hours later I got the call that the transfer was in fact cancelled, I was to stop all meds and go back on birth control for 2 weeks then stop, have a period, and then we could cycle again. I was disappointed to say the least, but I know that it is really important that everything be perfect this time since we have a limited number of embryos. I am slightly pouty about going back on birth control, between them and the meds I have put on 15 pounds. Actually I am pretty pissy about that. Everyone says "oh, just watch what you eat" "exercise more" yeah, it doesn't matter, I still gain and with the hormones I have no willpower!! I have cravings just as if I was pregnant. Add a little stress to that and I am doomed! I am just hoping that I don't gain even more with the next med cycle. I find that it is a bit of a nasty cycle, I take meds, I gain weight, I feel bad for gaining weight and I gain more! I think I am especially hard on myself because I KNOW how to eat right and lose weight, I just haven't made time to do it.
  SO now I just sit and wait..... again. I am really hoping that we can transfer in March. In case I haven't mentioned it before, I think having a baby in December is one of the cruelest things that you can do to a child so I really do not want to transfer anytime that would make the due date close to Christmas! Of course, I will do it if that is what I have to do, but you can bet I will pout about it! On the positive side, I got to drink while watching the super bowl and I will be able to travel to the coast a little farther into summer.


Until next time......

Let's make a baby!!

The past few months have been a game of hurry up and wait. I was thinking that since this was a sibling journey things would go quicker. NOT TRUE!!! We had our "match meeting" the Monday before Thanksgiving and were then referred to legal. There was a whole lot of waiting after that. We got legal retainers just before Christmas and then nothing for weeks. We had a transfer date set for the end of January.... That was pushed up a week! Then because my doctor is in surgery on Mondays and can't do my monitoring appointments until Tuesday our transfer was moved to February 7th. We finally got legal clearance today!
  The medical protocol begins again! Yesterday was my first blood draw. Because we are in such a tiny little town it is impossible to get hormone levels STAT so I do lab draws the day before my monitoring appointments. I have to say that the lady that did the draw this time was great. I didn't feel a thing. Today was my first ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus. Now comes the TMI, seriously, it's pretty graphic but an important part of the process.....

The fertility clinic likes to get a good baseline reading of the lining so they do the first ultrasound while I am on my period. As if being on my period wasn't miserable enough, I had to go to my male ob and have a vaginal ultrasound. Really, this bothered me much more last time, but after 3 med cycles then, this time I was more like "Oh well, this is what he is paid for and I am sure he sees a lot of it". But I'm not going to lie, its gross and messy!
  The results are in and everything is a go! Let the meds begin!

These are my daily meds that will be added to as we progress. What you see here is 3 prenatals, baby aspirin, DHA, folate and an estradiol vaginal suppository. The suppository is new this cycle. apparently there is a shortage of estradiol tablets so some medical asshole thought these were a good idea. I was not thrilled when I saw them. I had vaginal suppositories last time, and they will return later this time too. They were a different medication though. They were nick named chalk rockets because they felt like chalk. They were nasty, once they were inserted they began to dissolve, or melt, and the chalk became a slow moving lava like flow that would ooze out of my vagina all day long. Just when it would seem like they were completely dissolved it would be time for another. These are a little different. They look like torpedo shaped moth balls. They are smooth and when you mix smooth with the extra lubrication of being on my period, they are slick. I have decided that these are for sure a night time medication. Along with the pills and suppositories comes the start of shots! I appreciate this tiny .1cc shot that I will do every 3 days much more now that I know that there is one that is coming that is much worse. This one is NOTHING! I do the shots myself and I hardly feel a thing. Yes, if you watch the video, I hesitate. I AM STABBING A NEEDLE INTO MY ASS!! It has been 3 years since I have done shots, it's scary! But it really was quick and painless.
As odd as it may sounds I am happy to be going through all of this again because it means that we are one step closer to making a baby, which is the goal here.I can't wait to have the opportunity to grow a sibling for Isaac. I really do love being pregnant and I could not imagine a better family to help expand. The match was prefect. I feel very blessed to have helped create an amazing family and to be able to consider them all a part of ours!