Moving on

After our transfer in March I was hopeful that Tator Tot would be our one such wonder, but that was not the case. As anyone who knows me would assume, I started taking home pregnancy tests slightly earlier than would be reasonable and got negatives. I held out hope until about day 7. With Isaac I had a positive by day 4. This one was only a 3 day embryo so I allowed a little more time but by that point I just knew. It was confirmed on April 1 that the transfer had failed. We were all very disappointed. It is a pretty sensitive subject for the parents so I will just focus on what it was like for me, as I find that writing helps me to process and from day one I wanted to do this blog to document the good and not so good parts of helping to create a family.
   After I started to suspect that I was not pregnant I still had to continue all of the medications that I was on. Let me just tell you, it is hard to continue to give yourself shots knowing that there is no point in doing it. I also cried.... a lot. My heart broke for the parents because I knew that this loss would be hard on them. I really tried to go back over everything I had done in the 12 days from transfer to beta to see if there was anything that I could have done differently, there was not. I was extremely careful this time. I was pretty depressed for a little bit. Not getting pregnant this time means that I only have a one out of three pregnancy success rate, for some reason this was really hard on me. The first time that I talked to one of the parents after we got the news was horrible. I just didn't know what to say and I was really glad that we were not Facetiming because I cried the whole time. Even though I knew that there was nothing that I could have done differently, I felt like I had let them down. I was just overwhelmed. I had a minor breakdown over not being able to start my lawn mower and a fellow surrogate and friend was there to support me. She surprised me by bringing her family over to help me with the yard work. It seems like something so simple, but it meant so much to me. I stood in my driveway with her and cried some more. I was sad over the loss of the dream, moved by a friend who cared enough to notice that I wasn't ok, and overwhelmed with all of the changes that were going on in my life. I think it is assumed that this process is easy for a surrogate because we know what we have signed up for, but it is not. Once you decide that this is what you want to do, your heart and soul is in it. Over 3 years ago I sat with D&G as we talked about their hopes and dreams as parents and I agreed to be a part of that journey. Seeing them with Isaac just seals the deal. There is no way I would allow anyone to make me feel guilty for choosing to help create a family for someone else. All of the emotional and physical struggles are worth it the second that they meet their baby. I will never forget the moment that Isaac was born and placed on my stomach and all three of us held him together or witnessing his parents adoring looks as the got to really see him for the first time. That was the instant that I realized that any discomfort that I experienced was temporary, and a distant memory. Helping make D&G's dreams of being parents has been not only one of my proudest accomplishments but also one of the most rewarding. Not getting pregnant this time may have been easier to deal with if I didn't have such a strong connection to my surro family, but that is not the case. There is a piece of my heart in Paris.
  It has taken me a month to be able to even write about the failed transfer. I have had several people ask so I figured that it was time to do what I always do and pick up the pieces and move on. We have another transfer planned for the end of May. I have my first monitoring appointment next week. I would be lying if I said that I was not nervous. I just started a new job 3 weeks ago and I am already asking for time off for the doctors appointments, but I am cautious about telling my employer that the appointments are to prepare to try and get pregnant for someone else since I have already lost one job after disclosing that information. Then there is the fear that there will be issues with my lining not getting thick enough again and of course the ultimate fear that I won't get pregnant again. I am trying to stay positive. I know that the whole process is just an educated guess by the doctors to get the timing and conditions perfect and that the fate is ultimately out of our hands. I try to look back on when I first started the process of becoming a surrogate, I had to trust that this was God's plan for me and that things would happen when they were supposed to. I am working on getting back to that thinking. I need to believe that everything happens for a reason and trust that however things turn out that it is for the best. I am hopeful that this time will be it and that we will have an uneventful cycle. I have probably the lowest stress level right now that I have had in a long time. There have been good changes and I am hopeful that this is it and that by the middle of June I will be able to write about a pregnancy again. I so miss being pregnant. Maybe not the first  8 weeks or so where everything made me throw up, but from that point forward it is amazing. There is nothing like feeling life growing inside of you. It is even more rewarding knowing that the life I will be growing is going to make another family's life even better.