What's new?

Well, there is not much new. Sweet little Isaac is 4 months old and cute as can be! It appears that his daddies are adjusting well to their new parental roles! I am almost back to pre-pregnancy  weight, only 20 pounds (of 70 gained) to go. I have not put out any effort to lose the weight either, I guess pumping is the secret to weight loss! I have noticed that even though my weight is getting close to where I was my body is not! First of all my pumping boobs are huge, which is not all that bad until they are empty and saggy or unless I want to wear something other than a tee shirt. Dressing stylish has never been a talent of mine and it is even worse now! When I look for clothes I have to consider easy boob access for pumping and something that will fit my boobs AND that has some form to it so that I don't look like I am wearing a trash bag!! Then there is my stomach.... seriously??? What the hell happened to that? Granted, I have not had a flat stomach since I had kids. I am gifted with skin that stretches but forgets to go back. But after this pregnancy I am really noticing the extra belly sag.... and the baby "apron". Now if you have had kids you should know what this is, if you have had kids and do not know what the baby apron is you are probably on my list of people I secretly hate. But for fun I'll explain it. The apron is what used to be known as your lower abdomen. After kids mine got super stretched and no matter how much weight I lose it doesn't go away!! It hangs there like a waitresses apron! It's not at all flattering BUT it is worth it when you look at the 3 beautiful babies that I have brought into this world.

So now to one of the biggest parts of my life now..... PUMPING! I spend a great deal of time focused on my breast pump! Up until a week ago I pumped 7 times a day. 5 am, 8am 11am 2pm 5-6pm, 9pm and 2 am. These are just start times, it does not include the 20+ minutes to pump and set up and clean up. Once I went back to work and the kids returned to school the 2 am pump was killing me so I recently cut it out. I went from and average of 80-86 ounces per day down to 75 but the sleep was worth it!! I am now back up to close to 80 ounces per day again. Leaving the house right now is a big ordeal, it is quite similar to leaving with an infant! I have to pack up the kids, my pump, an ice chest and my water, I can't get enough water right now!
  Now, I bet you are wondering what I do with all of the milk I pump? No?? Well I'll tell you anyway! I donate it. Recently I did enter into an agreement to supply milk to a baby for compensation which is a blessing since that is my only income right now! I have donated over 7100 ounces and have a stock pile of over 2200 ounces waiting to be donated. That is over 73 gallons of milk in 4 months that I have made!! When Isaac was first born, ok even before he was born, I was super bummed that I would not be able to donate to him but as always God had other plans for my milk! I have been able to help feed 6 babies!! 1 is exclusively on my milk, for another my milk is used to supplement his mama's milk and I donate to them regularly. The other 4 were one time donations to babies that needed it.
   It has been a little awkward explaining my situation over and over again at work. It usually goes something like this, I let someone know I am going out to pump, that usually gets a question of "hoe old is your baby?" from someone in the office which opens the door to the big explanation of how I don't have a baby an no its not for the baby I carried. It is quite apparent that milk sharing is not all that know about to the general public.
   I am still getting questions of if I would do another surrogacy and the answer is still yes, in a heart beat. I am actually REALLY missing being pregnant! I have even contemplated if I could fit another journey in between Isaac and his future sibling. As tempting as it is, I think I will wait until the sibling journey for a few reasons. One being that it gives me time to reach my weight goals and a little time without prepping for pregnancy, being pregnant or pumping, it gives me more time to hope that other cultures begin to recognize the huge benefits of breast feeding but most of all I am scared shitless that matching with someone else would not be as good of an experience as what I have had this time. Which brings me to my next rant.....
   Ricky Martin. I saw an article on Facebook where he was getting tons of praise for explaining to his 6 year old twins that a "special woman" carried them in her tummy for him... blah, blah, blah. My first reaction was " What the hell?" Why does he have to explain that to them? Why don't they know her and her role in their lives at 6 years old? It makes me SO very grateful for the relationship that I have with my surro family. 4 months after birth we still email, text and Skype regularly. I would say at least weekly we have some contact, even if it is just a Greys Anatomy catch up! I don't ever feel like I can't contact them to say hi or like I am forgotten now that I am no longer carrying their baby. I also don't think that there is a risk of Isaac not knowing me. Now the specifics about my role in his birth is up to his parents to decide what he will be taught, but I know that even living in another country, he will know who I am. And not just me, he will know my family too. All along it was said that we were growing a family but it was not just their family, it was mine too. It is also pretty cool to be able to say that I carried and gave birth to my Godson! Not many people can do that! I cannot emphasize enough what a great experience this journey was and still is. I love getting little videos and pictures of Isaac and his daddies and watching them all grow and adjust to  being a family. What has been even more amazing is getting to see their families with Isaac. Just like the pictures with his daddies, when I get to see pictures of Isaac and his cousins or grandparents it warms my heart. He is so loved and adored. He has brought so much happiness to so many people. I am truly blessed to have played a part in that. Every day when I hear other surrogates talk of having it put into contracts that they will have contact x times per month and get pictures at specific intervals or that there will be no contact after birth, it breaks my heart. I know that there are different agreements set forth at the time of matching, but I couldn't imaging what it would be like to carry a baby and not have the parents involved in the pregnancy or to give birth and not see updates on how they are doing. I just cannot not fathom not being able to just send an email or text asking for a picture. (ok, I don't even have to do that, my guys are really good at sending me regular pictures) I guess we just got lucky all the way around!
   Looking back at the beginning of this journey I had no idea what to expect after the birth, but this is better than I could have imagined. A story book journey!

 

Something Special!

  For over a year now I have written, ranted and raved about this crazy surrogacy journey I put my family through, BUT there is another side to this story, that of Isaac's parents! I can only imagine what it must have been like to have your child growing in someone you have known for such a short time and to be so far away. I thought it would be nice to share a little bit of their perspective! So here it is, D and G wrote about one of my favorite subjects.... relationship!

One of the most frequent questions we get asked when we discuss our adventure with friends and families is “How will you talk to your son about your surrogate? ”. This one question doesn't sit well with us for many reasons : it implies some things should be hidden from Isaac when he grows up. It implies “the surrogate” is “a carrier” whose role is physical and limited to a pregnancy. Most of all, it implies there is something in the way Isaac was conceived we should worry about telling him and carefully discuss with him.
So, every time this question comes up, we have the same answer that became so clear as the pregnancy was under way. This person is not “a surrogate”. This person is NAOMI. Isaac’s godmother. A mother whom we know and love for being one of the most giving, moral,  freedom-loving, individual we have ever met.  Someone who, when we first met and asked about her motivations for doing this told us “Because i want to show my children to see what it is to do something selflessly”. Someone who, with her family,  is part of Isaac’s life, always. Someone whose strength of character and values we would dream for our son to take after.  

When we first met with Naomi and her husband, it’s safe to say we were afraid on both sides as to whether we would “click” because of the cultural divide, the worlds between us. Naomi was wondering how she would relate and interact with two French people. We had never been to a small town so far from Paris and were wondering if we would have anything in common with this couple we did not know and would never have met had it not been for Isaac.  

What happened next was extraordinary:  as we spent more time together, we started looking at each other not as “the french gay couple” and “the surrogate from Northern California” but as human beings. We grew a friendship which became stronger as the months went by. We discovered each other’s characters, for better or for worse :-) Isaac’s birth sealed this relationship with Naomi and her family in a way none of us had expected. The weeks we spent together before and after his birth were intense, full of joy and expectations. We got to spend time with her, her husband, daughters, her mom. What started as an improbable encounter for a surrogacy 18 months ago became a lifelong bond.

As much as we assumed we had little in common with Naomi at the beginning of this journey, she became a role model for us. As a working mother whose dedication to raising her children with values of kindness and honesty. As a strong, independent woman who always makes her own choices, disregarding what the others might think, driven by the goal to help those who might be in need.

So, to those who ask us “How will you talk to your son about your surrogate”, our answer is : This person is not a surrogate. This person is Naomi, Isaac’s godmother. And we couldn’t be more thankful that she is part of our family’s life.

Much love,

D & G



Aren't they sweet? And here is a picture of my adorable surro family! Of course Isaac is much bigger now, he was just shy of 4 weeks here! Relationship, that is what makes this process emotionally bearable and worth every bit of pain and discomfort.  

Getting back to me...

When I tried to come up with a catchy title that will pull my friends in to see what is going on now that all of the excitement of pregnancy and birth are gone this is all I came up with. " Getting back to me". One would think that in this situation you have a baby and move on with your life...um no. Not even close! I am not at all the person I was before I started this journey. I am quite proud of my accomplishments in the past year. By the grace of God I have completed school, kept my 3 kids and husband alive and got to experience the miracle of a family being created. I have changed a lot!            
   Physically after 8 weeks I am still packing some extra baby weight, but with as much milk as I produce, it is coming off pretty steadily. I even ran a few times. Now that was a sight. Keep in mind that it is HOT, well over 100, and in order for me not to be miserable, or get black eyes, I have to wear 3 bras that are as tight as could be, but I did it....... right until I got mastitis. I forgot what that misery was like! It started with a little twinge of pain then seriously within 3-4 hours I had a fever, chills, body aches, and it was Georges birthday! So I cooked him a nice dinner that he got to clean up while I died in the bath tub. One might think that a painful infection like that would end my desire to pump, of course not! I pumped though the pain and then added time to my normal pumping so that I didn't have much of a decrease of supply. Why? Well because I got this text from a mom I donated to "Hi Naomi, I wanted to contact you about another round of milk for baby R. but if you are not able to help again just know that we thank you and you have greatly helped with the healthy and happy development of our baby boy." Who could say no to that? I got to see him the last time I donated to them and he is so sweet, there is no way that I could not help this mother who struggles to make a tiny portion of the milk that I make so abundantly. This time I am hopefully taking enough to them to last 2 months. It took me 3 weeks, with the infection, to product that much. I am often asked how long I will continue to pump. Part of me wants to say as long as there is a baby that needs it!! But the reality is that pumping is very time consuming and kind of expensive when you don't have income! I spend about 30 minutes every 3 hours pumping, plus I get up in the middle of the night. Storage bags are expensive! I go through about 100 a week, that's $20 worth. Plus we had to borrow a milk freezer and I deliver the milk as well. BUT it just so happens that sweet baby R. and his family live on the coast so I like having an excuse to go over there! My goal is to pump through December. But the reality is that I need to find a job, one that pays... so it may be more difficult to keep up with my pumping schedule. But I will go as long as I can. Breast milk is too valuable to waste and if I can help a baby (or two) get the best nutrition possible I will!
   I have not stressed too much about my weight because I am producing so much milk. I have never been small chested but while lactating my boobs are huge, and heavy! I do have a daily clothing battle. I find that things that fit my boobs resemble paper bags thus making me look heavier than I am. I have also shed a few tears over bras. I gave up cute sexy bras in about 9th grade but trying to find a bra now is torture!! I finally spent an hour (and a good amount of cash) at Motherhood finding some nursing bras that are supportive but not too tight. Why nursing bras with no baby? Well, its really difficult to 1) find my size in a regular bras. Nursing bra manufacturers get that there is nothing normal or mainstream about lactating boobs. 2) If I found a regular bra that fit, it would be what I refer to as Olga style and impossible to get out of regularly to pump.
  Buying pants... another disaster. I am not really complaining about this one though. I will buy something then by the time I wear it it is too big. I am down 4 sizes in 5 weeks. I am back to the baggy look that I sported during my last weight loss! Now if I could just tone everything up while I lost so fast!
   Now the big one am I REALLY still ok? Yes I am. I cannot tell you why or how I felt a baby grow inside of me, gave birth to him and handed him over to his parents without a sense of loss other than this was God's plan for me. From the beginning I have said that God put it on my heart to start this journey and that I trust Him to take care of me in the end, and He did. Now don't get me wrong, there have been some tears!! You know that heart wrenching feeling of your best friend moving away? Well it was similar to that when I had my last visit with my surro family.
  There were so many mixed emotions over that visit. Imagine me, my mom, my girls and Dallys all packing into my SUV at 7 am on a Saturday morning and driving to San Francisco. AND for my first trip driving in a big city, we went on PRIDE weekend! My mom looked and there was only about a million extra people there that weekend. There were a lot of colorful words and quite a bit of driving stress for me, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I got to snuggle that sweet baby ( when my kids and mom would share) and we got to see how naturally parenthood came to his parents. They were so calm and relaxed with him. Only slight neurotic. It was wonderful. Right until the end..... I had done so good, not a single tear. Then as we said good bye my daughter said something about me crying and that was all it took for the flood gates to open. So many emotions all at once ( at 3 weeks postpartum) I was so happy for this sweet family, I felt blessed that my family and I had been a part of this creation. But there was uncertainty. Will our relationship really continue once we all go back to our regular lives? Will Isaac remember me? And the biggest one is that it may be a LONG time before we get to visit again. After a few minutes I managed to get myself together enough to drive away. But I cried off and on most of the way home, it was just such an unknown area of wondering what will happen next.
  But you know what happened next? I got texts updates and pictures of Isaac and emails. I got phone calls just to check in. Then they returned to France. AND I got updates all the way to the airport and once they were home. Now I get a few emails a week and texts. We have also Skyped a few times. It is so nice to get to see how well they are all adjusting to being a family. I got to see the excitement and love on Isaac's grandma's face as we Skyped. My mom got to be a part of our call this weekend and she was amazed at what technology can do!! How cool is it that we can see and hear people on the other side of the world? Plus Isaac was super cute, he is getting so big, already up over 3 pounds since birth. But the coolest part was that I got a smile out of him! I cannot put into words a category for this relationship. Not just with the baby, but his whole family. They hold a very special place in my heart and I am so grateful that I get to stay in contact with them and watch not only Isaac grow, but all of them grow as a family!
   Now for another bit of info I have not shared publicly.  Some of you know, because I vowed never to be dishonest about any part of this journey, but if we are not very close this may be new news. I did not want to deal with judgement or ridicule while I was pregnant because I made my decisions based on a lot of thought and prayer and I believe with every ounce of my being that I did what I was meant to do. Isaac was welcomed into the world by two dads. To some you may be thinking, oh ok, big deal, and thank you for your loving open-mindedness. You are likely the ones that I have already shared that information with. But I know that I have a few friends and family that would not agree with my decision to carry for a gay couple, and that is ok too. I believe that it is not our place to judge others or condemn them for living a life different than mine. But do you know what I found out through this journey? They are not that different. I can see now part of the reasons I was meant to carry for them. Obviously, to help them have a baby since there is no other way. I expected to be able to change their lives, which is kinda my thing, but what I didn't expect was for it to change mine, and my kids, and my moms, and friends that were involved. My family and I were blessed to be able to build relationships with these amazing men. As you can probably guess none of us had really spent much time with a gay couple. Not out of avoidance, but really because the paths didn't cross. I didn't know what to expect, but I sure didn't expect what I got! I am so proud as a mother of the love and acceptance my children showed. They never blinked and eye at the fact that our IPs were men. They really did not understand why anyone would have a problem with it. They were always so supportive and they adore Isaac and his daddies. On the basis of our faith they could understand that the Bible says to "love thy neighbor" and that it is not up to us to judge. Does that make us any less Christian? I don't think so. We will all face judgement one day, and I am confident that my choice to carry a baby for gay men will not be the condemning factor, because God knows my heart. He knows that I did this in His name with the intention of selfless giving, self sacrifice, acceptance and most of all LOVE. And that sweet little boy that I gave birth to is loved so much and by so many people. I will never second guess my decision.
  Another big surprise along the way was the relationship my mom built with the guys. Now keep in mind my grandfather was brought up in Oklahoma and was as redneck as they come so my mom was not brought up with much diversity. I can imagine that when I said I was going to carry for two men, after the relief that I had chosen not to carry for an HIV positive couple, my mom envisioned transvestites in pink tutus or the media image of the flamboyant hair dresser type. What she got when they finally met was two very handsome, professional men. Then they started talking and she found out that we all really do have a lot in common. I saw her day by day get more open to the idea. Then by the time they came for delivery she loved them as much as I do! She cried with them and got to see those precious first moments when they met their son! And I am pretty confident that she supports me 100%. Actually I know she dose, we have talked about it. And she has told me that she thought I was crazy until she was with  at church and heard our pastor talk about following Gods will no matter how crazy it may seem. She has said over and over how amazed she is at how easy it is to be with the guys, really the biggest differences we have seem to be based on their being French rather than being gay (duh!). And none of us have any doubt about their abilities as parents.
   So in the end I have learned that while there is some uncertainty associated with doing something that others may see as questionable, ( hmmm, reminds me of taking the road less traveled and something about what is popular may not be right), if you know in your heart it is right then do it. I have no regrets about this journey, and I can't wait to do it again!

Please remember that I welcome all respectful questions and comments!

3 weeks

   It is hard to believe it has already been 3 weeks since Isaac came into the world.  I have had a lot of questions about how I am REALLY doing. The truth is I am ok. I cannot explain how or why I am not upset about not having a baby to care for or how I did not bond to the baby other than to say it was by God's grace as a part of His plan. Now not to say that there have not been tears... there were a few when my surro family left Redding, but it was not over the loss of the baby, it was more about how much I would miss ALL of them. But I will touch more on relationships later. I also think that the placenta pills have really helped too. Aside from a few mood swings I don't think that I have been too emotionally out of control.
   Physically I am doing well too. I am still holding on to some extra baby weight, but it is hard to say how much since I am still pumping. I am actually losing about a pound a day with no effort at all. I am finally feeling ready to start exercising and eating well again so that I can take full advantage of the extra calorie burn from producing breast milk. While I am a long ways away from my pre-pregnancy clothes, I am feeling good about the progress. After birth I kept waiting to feel some sort of physical pain or something that hinted that I had just given birth but it never came! After the second day I have had next to no discomfort. Even in the first days I just had some cramping that was controlled with Motrin.
  I am still having mixed emotions over pumping. I found someone willing to take my milk, which has helped a lot, but it is very time consuming and painful. I pump every 3 hours for 20 minutes and then get up once a night as well. In the beginning I was worried that I would have a hard time getting a good supply without nursing at all but evidently I was wrong! I am currently pumping 65-70+ ounces a day. At the first pumping session of the day I can pump for almost 45 minutes to get fully empty and get between 20-24 ounces. I am amazed at the supply I have. I even had to borrow a freezer just for milk. I currently have over 800 ounces saved! It is a pain though. I get about 2-2.5 hours of freedom before I have to start thinking about hooking up again. And while I only pump for 20 minutes, it takes another 10 or so to clean everything and bag and store the milk.ore efficient though, I am even getting to the point where I can pump and drive. I am sure that all of the vehicles bigger than mine enjoy that view! Actually I am pretty covered, it just looks strange!  I am becoming m But some babies will be very happy!! At this point it looks like there will be 3 babies that will get the benefit of my mass production. Most of the milk I will be donating to some fellow surrogates and then I found another family on the coast that can use the milk that I pump while I am there on vacation. It is just amazing how things just fall into place!
  So what do I do with myself now? Well I am enjoying not working. I also just finished school, which is a huge relief! I will go back to work after our trip to the coast, but on a very limited schedule. There is also a possibility that I am looking into of a paid internship at my daughter's high school. Once again things seem to be just falling into place. I am happy with myself for not stressing about what I will do next and trusting that things will work out. I am also very literally doing everything I want to this summer! This weekend I am driving with my mom and the girls to San Francisco to see the baby and his parents. This is huge for me! I have NEVER driven in a bigger city, with traffic and toll bridges and all of that stuff. I totally have a plan B of calling a cab if I get too overwhelmed, but I have been assured that I will be fine!! Then Monday we leave for the coast. This is my first time taking my trailer all by myself. I have been practicing backing it up and well... it is not going so hot. The whole turn one way and go the other stuff is not clicking with my brain. Now in all fairness I do manage to get it where I want it, but it takes forever and there are usually tears and four letter words involved. BUT I have been looking forward to this trip for months! I have planned to stay at places that I usually drive by and say "someday I want to stay there". We are also not really planning what to do, just whatever we want! WE will go to Oregon one day and to a walk through wild life safari but other than that there are no plans. Then I will come home for a couple of weeks and we will go to Disneyland. I also want to fit a quick weekend trip to Fort Brag in there too!
   That leads me into the next portion of this update... relationships. As most of you know, I usually travel with my kids and my mom ( and of course Dallys too). My husband usually stays home. I know it sounds a little strange, but it works for us. He does not enjoy camping and our cold little beaches like I do so rather than make him miserable by forcing him to go, I just do what I want and he gets alone time. It just works for us. After getting divorced I was luck enough to find someone who does not try to hold me back, he supports me in whatever I want to do and appreciates my independence and my need to be able to do things myself. He never makes me feel guilty for taking a trip (probably because I usually take the kids :)  ) he doesn't try to discourage me from doing off of the wall things like quitting my job to go to school or having a baby for someone else. For years I tried to understand our differences and make sense of how he could not enjoy the same things I do but once I accepted that we just enjoy different things, it has flowed much smoother.  Now there are times that I strongly encourage him to do things that I like, like a trip to the coast or a family get together, I try to make it as painless as possible! Now there are also things that we like to do together as well. He enjoys movies and going out to eat or just staying home and doing nothing, which I am ok with too. What is most important is that we can enjoy being together. After 7 years together I still look forward to him coming home and spending time with him. It is very nice to have a partner who will love and accept me for who I am.
  I have learned in the past year that there are many different types of relationships that I encounter. I know that there are people in my life who disapproved of this surrogacy, they showed it by avoiding me and saying nothing at all. There are some that truly did not understand the process or how I could give the baby up, they also kept their distance, but not as much as those who were against it. Then there were those who really didn't give a shit, those that were curious about the journey, those that offered words of support and encouragement and those that were really by my side. The latter group was pretty limited.
  My children, my mom and my grandmother were the ones, besides my husband, who I knew really supported me. My grandma watched the kids whenever I needed her to and while I am not sure she understood it all, I think she had a good enough understanding to know that having a baby for someone was something that I felt called to do and that I started this process out of  obedience of my faith. 
   My children, while they weren't always happy about it, accepted that there were limitations to what I could do, especially in the end. They were supportive the whole way and I felt that they were proud of what I was doing. They also learned a lot from this journey. They learned about love and acceptance as well as sacrifice for others.
   My mom was probably my biggest supporter. In the beginning she thought I was nuts, but like with most other things, she was willing to help. She took my kids for days while we were out of town and was always willing to listen to what was going on with me every step of the way. It was also a growing experience for her. In the beginning she didn't really understand the how or why of things, but as I shared emails from our IPs with her she began to understand a little more. Then she met them and it all made sense. She truly KNEW why I would go through shots, sickness, restrictions, weight gain and child birth for these two people who were strangers to me a year ago.  Then when they came out for the birth she got to spend some real time getting to know them and she fell in love with them too. She got to witness and be a part of this crazy, unexplainable bond that occurs when you grow a child for someone else. For 9 months my family nourished this baby with love, affection and prayers all in preparation for him to meet his parents!
   Then we have the baby's parents. That is probably the most unexpected and hardest to explain relationship. As I have said before, they were not the type of IPs I was looking for. I was persuaded to take a look at their profile and I am so glad I did! I knew immediately  that they were the ones for me. They are so different from everyone I know, but at the same time, we have a lot in common. It really was kind of like a dating relationship. I loved getting to know them and then there were things that I thought they were crazy for ( and I'm sure they felt the same about me at times :) ) But there really is a bond that cannot be put into words that occurs when you are responsible for growing a baby for someone. They had to trust me 100% to keep their child's best interest in mind while he was inside of me. Let's be real, would they have known if I drove that extra 50 miles at the end of my pregnancy to sit on my favorite beach, or would they know if I had a sandwich with cold lunch meat on it, probably not, but because I felt so honored that they chose me to carry their baby and to be responsible for his development and nurturing I didn't do any of those things. I always looked forward to updating them with new pictures of his growth and updates from the doctor. The nerdy part of me enjoys sending them the interesting articles and research as well! But as close as we were there was something extra special that happened while they were here for the birth, the bond became less of one of friendship and more of one of family. While I was in labor and giving birth, they were not only concerned with the well being of their son, but mine as well. There was an amazing moment as soon as Isaac was born. He was placed on my stomach and his parents and I all got to hold him as they cut the cord that had connected him and I. I had heard all kinds of horror stories from other surrogates about how the parents acted after the baby was born, but our experience was great. I was so touched at their willingness not only to share their first few hours with their son with me, but my family as well. And then a change naturally occurred. As most of you know, I love babies! They are so soft and squishy and cute! And I have been known to be a bit of a baby hog, so I really tried not to impose too much on their first few days of bonding time with their son. But what I found was that they were quite willing to share! I was quite lucky to have them here for 6 days after Isaac was born and I got to see them a lot. Now that they are farther away our roles have switched. I am very blessed that I get frequent updates, pictures and videos from them. All of this really helps the transition of my role in growing Isaac being done. Not that I ever doubted their abilities as parents, I knew they would be great, but I get to see how proud they are and how naturally they have adjusted to parenthood. It means so much to me that they take the time to keep me involved and updated on their new lives as parents. It is also this bond that is helping me to expand my horizons. When they first mentioned us coming to San Francisco to see them, my first thought was hell no, there is no way I can do that! The city is soooo out of my comfort zone. But now there is no way in hell I would miss an opportunity to see them all. I am even starting to maybe consider an eventual trip to France ( I would have to have a job of course to pay for a trip like that!) That would be a big one for me though! A big city, hours flying over the ocean, foreign language.... you get the picture, major anxiety for me, but it would be nice to experience a little bit of their world since I shocked them with my small town life!
  I have been asked a lot if I would do this again, without a doubt yes. But could I do it for different parents, I am not so sure. While there are things I would like to experience differently, like having them live in the same country as me, this experience has been so good that I worry that the relationship with other parents would not be as good, really what are the odds of multiple good matches. I also have to consider my family and that I am getting older so who knows really how many good baby carrying years I have left! My husband and children have been so understanding throughout this journey. Seriously, my poor husband.  He had to go through testing, give me shots, watch me carry a baby that wasn't his, he had to experience me giving birth to that baby, he has placenta pills in his fridge and breast milk not only in the house freezer but in an additional freezer in his garage. PLUS all of the restrictions that go along with giving birth. He understands that I would not hesitate at a sibling for Isaac, but I am not so sure that he would be ok with starting over with someone new!!
   I really cannot express into words how amazing this experience was. I am changed forever in ways that I never anticipated. Some existing relationships changed and new ones were made. And most importantly a Beautiful baby was brought into this world who is loved by so many people in multiple countries!! I found this great quote that says it all "Family, where life begins and love never ends."

And because I have no willpower, here is one of the many pictures I have received recently of  the handsome little French Fry!

Welcome baby Isaac!

So here it is, the birth story, the moment we have been working towards for over a year and a half. But I can't just start at the birth, to get the full picture I have to include the days before. After my 38 week check up it hit me that I could literally give birth any day. It was then that I started having mixed emotions. I was happy to know that the parents would finally meet their little boy, scared of delivery and a little sad that my part was coming to an end.
  The parents were coming with me to my 39 week check up and we were all excited. I had been having some contractions so I was sure that there would be some progress, and they doctor was doing another membrane sweep so maybe things would get going on their own. But when I arrived at my doctors office true panic set in. There was a sign on the door that said "Dr. VanKrik will be out of the office June 9-13....." This was a true moment of horror, I picked this doctor because I thought he would be the best fit for our situation and I really like him, I wanted HIM there for delivery and more than that there was a doctor that I absolutely did NOT want there! I tried not to show my panic as we went through the appointment. The baby's hear beat sounded good, my blood pressure was good and then the parents left the room for the pelvic exam/sweep. I was dilated to a 2 and the sweep still sucked. But being alone with my doctor gave me a chance to express my concern about his vacation the week I was due. It was something like this " There is no way in hell I am letting Dr.Skipitis deliver me!! He has to come out before you leave!!" Really it was more of a panicked plea than a discussion. That is when he offered to induce. Now all along I have been sure that I wanted as little medical intervention as possible...... right up until that moment when I found out that I could be delivered by someone other than my doctor! My doctor decided to give me a few minutes with the parents to discuss our options. Basically we could wait for things to happen on their own or induce Wednesday or Thursday. I knew that my husband had a lot to do at work on Wednesday and that a Thursday delivery would allow me the longest period of recovery time with help, so my vote was for Thursday. Of course the parents are so sweet that they basically left it up to me to decide so we set the date. Thursday June 5 at 7 am we would induce and bring little Isaac into the world!
   The rest of Tuesday and Wednesday was an emotional roller coaster for me. I was excited but also pretty down because the pregnancy was ending. I really tried to enjoy every last minute. I really noticed every movement the baby made and enjoyed the last days of pregnancy. The sadness was for the change in my role, the loss of the pregnancy and the fear of not knowing what would come during and after the birth.

Here is the last official bump picture of me and French Fry!

 I think we were all pretty nervous Wednesday night. The parents were trying to make sure everything was in order to bring a baby home and I was trying to make sure that I had everything in line for my kids and to prepare for coming home not pregnant. Thursday morning was met with a few tears. The time had come to say good bye to my pregnant tummy. There were even tears from my daughter when kissed my tummy for the last time. We were excited, but the huge wiggly tummy would be missed. As we left for the hospital I tried not to panic, it was a few minutes after 6:30, I knew we would be late! I hate to be late! I of course stressed and watched the clock the whole way. What if they sent us home because we were late? Then as luck would have it we hit red lights!! We made it to the hospital (less than 10 minutes late) and were greeted by the excited parents and my mom. It was a great experience for us all to be able to walk in together and even stop for a few pictures along the way. As we checked in no one cared that we were a little late. They quickly got us in to the biggest birthing room they have and by 8:00 I was hooked up to IVs and MY DOCTOR had come in and broken my water. That was an experience in its self. I had my water broken with the girls, but it was with a long hook, this time he used his hand! I remember the big gush from before but not the fact that with every contraction or movement there was more and more that came out. I felt like I was peeing myself all day long! And to control the mess I was given towels to hold between my legs. I'm sure that my trips to the bathroom were quite a site, here I am huge pregnant, hooked up to iv's, waddling to the bathroom with my ass hanging out, trying to be careful that I didn't drop the towels!
   As I said all along, it was my goal to go drug free. Well I doubted that goal when I learned that I would have pitocin. BUT I did 6 hours of labor with NOTHING but the support of my husband, mom and doula! I think I did pretty good, there was only one staff member that I really wanted to hurt...badly. Seriously, I am in pain and she is in the room FOREVER bull shitting. I found her voice to be super annoying too. But over all, I think I managed to stay pretty calm. The experience was amazing. I spent a lot of time rolling on the birthing ball. I had planned to be walking around but because of the Pitocin I had to be monitored the entire time. That was a challenge as well. In true French Fry fashion, they had a hard time keeping his heart rate on the monitor so I eventually got an internal monitor (which had to be replaced several times because he had so much hair it wouldn't stay on). The pitocin was upped every half hour. I cannot say enough about how good the labor experience was, even with the pain. My doula had all of these little tricks and her and my mom helped me to be focused and calm. But it was my husband that really surprised me. This is the first birth that we have gone through together, and I didn't know what to expect with the baby not being his and all, but he was amazing. He was by my side all day, applying pressure, rubbing my back, making sure I stayed hydrated and encouraging me and telling me how good I was doing.  Here is a picture of my support team (obviously NOT during a contraction)

So you may be wondering about the parents at this point, they were there for it all. They did a wonderful job of keeping calm and quiet which were my only requests. They even provided a few laughs! I have had many questions about if it was weird to have them in the room while I was so exposed and if you have ever given birth you know it was not. About the time the pain started I didn't give a shit who was where. They got a little warning before exams (more for their sake than mine) but really I figured that it was important for them to experience the whole process of their son coming into the world. Now, of course, I did get a bikini wax a week before delivery.... did anyone but me notice or care, no, but yes, even in labor I felt better knowing that my long lost neither regions were groomed!
   Fast forward 6 hours. 6 hours of contractions every 2 minutes or so with the pitocin getting increased every 30 minutes so they are stronger. I had been using mindful meditation (thank you Dr. Greg White for teaching us this in school), lots of breathing and counter pressure to relieve the pain but I was getting tired and I made a deal with myself that if I was still only 3 centimeters dilated, I was getting something for the pain. When my wonderful nurse Jane came in to check me, that is exactly where I was... still at 3. Now I am also watching the clock. In 6 hours I have dilated one whole centimeter. My doctor will leave at 5, if I am going to be delivered by him things have to speed up! So I opted to get some drugs in my IV. I don't remember what it was, but it was awesome. I was able to relax between contractions, but the contractions still hurt! I got a couple of doses of that and had dilated a little more but I was still hurting A LOT. At about 4 (8 hours into labor) I decided to get the epidural. It must have been meant to be because the anesthesiologist was on the labor and delivery floor and there in minutes. He did a temporary spinal block to give me some relief until the epidural started working. I had a little more relief, and I could see the relief on everyone else's faces too. It was hard on everyone seeing how much pain I was in. But I still felt the contractions. I felt the tightness and pain in my hips and back. I remember from the girls that once I had the epidural I felt nothing! The doctors told me when I was contracting. That was my first clue that something was not quite right. The contractions still really hurt and nothing made it better! When my nurse checked me a little bit later I was a 7 but the baby needed to turn so I was put on my left side with my top leg in a stirrup in hopes that he would rotate and I would dilate more. When I was checked again I was a 9 with a little bit of a lip left so the nurse stretched my cervix the rest of the way and had me start to push. My doctor was there within minutes (it was right at 5:00). I pushed a few times, pushing was the only thing that eased the pain! Now I could not feel the nurse check me or any touching, I felt like my hips and back were breaking! When the nurse called my doctor she told us that she thought that the baby was coming face up and that Dr Van Kirk would have to turn him. Now, turning him involved not one hand but TWO in my vagina actually turning the baby over! I felt none of it. The doctor actually had to keep his hand on the baby the entire hour I pushed to keep him from turning back. Pushing was hard. That is all I knew. I saw nothing but my husband, my doula, the nurse and my doctor. I pushed when I was told and rested when I was told that was it. That was all that I was aware of. I heard the doctor say something about the cord around the baby's neck and more people came into the room. But that was not scary for me. I had a job to do, all I could focus on was pushing and breathing when I was not pushing. Finally at 5:57 pm baby Isaac came into the world. He was placed on my tummy where he was greeted by his parents and they got to cut the cord that had bound us together for 39 weeks. He weighed 8 pounds 9 ounces and was 21 inches long.  With only 10 hours of labor he was my shortest labor by 3 hours and the lightest baby by an ounce.
   The delivery was hard for me but not what I would call traumatic. But according to the other people in the room it was pretty traumatic!!
   Even with the few complications Isaac was beautiful and healthy. He has a ton of hair. As I tried to recover from the exertion of giving birth, every minute of pain was worth it. I got to witness two people who have been waiting for so long see their baby for the first time. They got down and made eye contact with him and spoke to him and the nurses did their thing. It was an amazing moment.
   After the nurses got him all cleaned up and both of his parents got to hold him, they brought him to me. He is such a beautiful baby and I am so honored that they shared some of their precious first moments with me. Actually, not just me, but my family as well before he was 2 hours old my children came up and got to meet him as well. Here are a few pictures of the first few hours.

I could not have wished for a better delivery experience. And I was so blessed by the love and support that I had that day and by the parents being so open and willing to sharing their precious baby with my family and I.
   That night the baby and his parents stayed in a room on the third floor and I had my own room in pediatrics. It was a long night. Not because I was sad but because I couldn't sleep! I had such a feeling of accomplishment and peace. I had just brought a baby into the world that made a couple a family. This was for sure one of my biggest accomplishments and something that I am very proud of. I have done a lot in my 32 years. I have beautiful children of my own, I have adopted, I have completed college degrees BUT how many people can say that they helped make a family for someone else? Only a select few. I have been asked several times in the last few days if I would do it again and I would with out a doubt do it again.
  So how am I now, 4 days later? I am ok. My physical discomfort is minimal. I had no stitches or tearing. I am pumping and having good production (thanks to my placenta pills). I am tired and I forge to take it easy since I don't have a new born to remind me! Emotionally I am ok too. I do not feel like I should have left with a baby or have a desire to care for him. I did have a bit of an emotional day Saturday but once I started the placenta pills I feel much better. I may have a harder time once my surro family is not here in town, but for now I am feeling good.
   I also got another great honor. As I have mentioned from the start of this journey, I have felt that this is something that God called me to do and to make it all come around full circle the parents have asked me to be Isaacs Godmother. I couldn't be more honored to hold such a title for the little guy that I shared a body with!!
   Now I had thought that this was going to be the end of this journey, but it is not, it is just a new chapter......

 

The End is Near....

As I sat down to write this it dawned on me that this may very well be my last blog before this sweet little baby comes into the world to meet his parents. It is so surreal to think that the end is so close. The last few weeks, much like this whole pregnancy, has been a whirl wind. We had a nice visit with the parents and got to take them up to Whiskeytown to see one of the waterfalls. Of course, with me being so pregnant we just went to Crystal Creek Falls which is a short paved hike!
  I think I can finally say that the fun part of pregnancy is over. While I still enjoy feeling him move, I am huge and uncomfortable most of the time, I am tired, and my feet are starting to REALLY swell. Last week was especially rough. The kids had a ton of stuff going on and it was pretty hot. By Friday my feet were painfully swollen. Of course that prompted my mom to do a Google search of what all swelling could be a symptom of. She suggested that I go get my blood pressure checked. I had a few errands to run first but when I finally got to a pharmacy where I could check my bp, it was a little high. Of course it was after hours so I consulted my surro group for ideas. I checked my bp again at a different pharmacy and it was even higher. At that point with the encouragement of the surro group, I caved and called my doctor. He told me that I needed to go to the hospital to get checked. This put me into a mild panic! I was so not ready to go to the hospital and possibly be told that something could be wrong. I had pulled over to talk to the doctor and as we left the parking lot my niece asked me if I was going to the hospital. My answer? "yes, but I have to go home first!" I had to drop Noah off and get my bags/breast pump just in case. Plus I needed to procrastinate just a little! We did end up going (at about 7 pm) and I was monitored for about an hour. Everything looked great and my blood pressure was really good, like with being checked every 5 minutes the highest it went was 122 over something. My cervix was still just a finger tip dilated and long so I was told to go home, rest, take it easy, keep cool and keep my feet up. Much harder said than done! I did a pretty good job though and today my feet are almost normal size. I was also advised NOT to get my blood pressure checked at pharmacies, turns out their machines are very inaccurate!
  This morning I went to my Ob for my 38 week check up. Again everything looked good. He warned me that we would start doing membrane stripping at 38 weeks. That sounded good to me, until I looked up what exactly that meant. When I was in the exam room he gave me the option of doing it or not, now, if you know me, you know that I am not good with decisions- especially ones that I need to make quickly! I finally decided that I would rather go through some pain and increase the chances that I will deliver before 41 weeks. The doctor so kindly said " reach under the drape and pull your knees back as far as you can. This may be uncomfortable" what he meant is " I'm going to shove my hand so far into your vagina that it will come out of your throat AND I'm going to move it all around while I am in there AND it is going to hurt like hell." Luckily the whole thing only lasted 5 seconds (the doctor actually counted to 5) and with a lovely string of swear words that would so not make my mom proud, it was over. Now there is a possibility that labor could start soon, but most likely I will stay pregnant a little longer.
   This is also my last week of work. I decided that I really misjudged what my energy level would be at my age and this far in my pregnancy. Thank God that most of my work can be done by phone!
   So friends of faith, I am asking for prayers for us all. Please pray for the parents who will go from a family of two to a family of three instantly. I try to think about when I had Kimberly and how much scarier it would have been not to have had a pregnancy to prepare me for caring for a baby. I also ask that you pray for my family and my husband, they will need all of the support that they can get to be able to support me through labor, delivery and the weeks after. My husband will have to be strong and hold it all together for both of us to help me make it through labor and delivery. And finally, I ask that you pray for me, that I will have the strength I need to bring this baby into this world, drug free, and that I will be ok emotionally as my role in this journey comes to an end. That is the part that seems so hard to explain. It is not that there is an attachment to the baby, really there is not. Yes, he is loved and will always hold a special place in my heart, right along with his parents, it is more of a sense of loss that I am fearing. I guess a loss of purpose. Now, every day I play a ton of roles, mom, wife, student, therapist ect. but for over a year I have held a special role of surrogate. That has been something that has been very dear to me. It is this role that had helped me and my family grow so much. It is this role that had given me the unwavering faith that I am following Gods plan for me, no matter how untraditional it is and no matter who questioned it. Helping to create a family for someone else has been one of my greatest accomplishments. So many times I have heard women say "I don't know if I could do that" or " I thought about it but..." I can say that I have done it! I have given myself shots, puked, and gone through the aches and pains of pregnancy to make someone else's dream come true. Now, I have heard many comments about the fact that I am compensated for carrying. True, I am. And I am so grateful for that. The compensation has made it possible for me to go through this pregnancy and not worry about the fact that I do not have a paying job as I am finishing up my Master's degree. It made is possible to make unforeseen repairs to our cars, and pay off credit cards and after delivery, it will be that compensation that makes it possible for us to take our kids to Disneyland. The reality is that my family has made many sacrifices, especially late in the pregnancy, so no, I do not feel guilty that we were compensated, but that is not the reason that I have done this. There is no price tag that can be put on watching two amazing people prepare for their biggest dream to come true. I look at my children and they are everything to me. I cannot imagine what my life would be like without them, that is why we embarked on this journey, so that someone else would have the joy of raising a family.
  


***** As you read this please remember that 1) I am 38 weeks pregnant, even my ocd brain will make spelling and grammar errors and 2) I do not go back and proof read anything. If I did ocd brain would take over and change, correct or make this something more than my raw thoughts and feelings.

The count down is on......

Ok, not really. With just about 4 1/2 weeks left until my due date, I am not counting down or over being pregnant. Although, people ask me this ALL of the time. I cannot count how many times a day I hear " You haven't had that baby yet?" " Aren't you DONE being pregnant?"" Are you sure you have room to let him grow 4 more weeks?" and the big one lately is " you are still working?' Ect. Thank you for your concern, but yes, I KNOW I am huge. It's no surprise. I got big with the other 2 as well. I am fully aware that I can no longer see my toes, do an adequate shave job or reach the ground and breathe at the same time. I know that even my maternity clothes are getting tight as my hips and belly expand even more. I really do not need to hear it from strangers! I am also getting more and more strangers that want to rub my belly, I'm pregnant, not the fricking Buddha! I guess this late in the game I am getting quite tired and cranky. With the school year coming to an end the kids are super busy and work is pretty busy. I am having a harder time listening to people complain about why they can't do something these days! Seriously?? You have ONE kid, no job, no school yet you cannot make a phone call?
   I am noticing quite a few physical changes as well. I am starting to get swelling in my hands and feet, my hips are getting much wider, my back aches and by the end of the day I am TIRED!! I have also noticed that I am way more sensitive to heat and sun which is a new symptom for me, I never experienced that with my other pregnancies. Rolling over in bed and getting up off of the couch are more difficult. But I still function. I do ask myself every day why in the world I am still working. Getting to places on time, having empathy and dragging huge bags of information is becoming a huge feat. Really what it comes down to is that I feel obligated. I have cases that are still needing help and there are only two of us to do it. I also look at the huge number of hours I have to complete to get licensed and figure I don't have time to take it easy before birth.
   While I really try not to say anything to stress the parents out, they have enough on their plate, this last month has been one overwhelming, stressful pile of shit! It all started with my car breaking down. Not a little repair either, the engine had to be totally rebuilt! 3 weeks later it is still in the shop. Then while coming home from my moms, Kimberly's car breaks down. I had to drive the Excursion for a week while the other car was getting fixed, and the check engine light came on. Luckily that was just a sensor. I spent over $200 in gas in one week driving that thing, it looks nice and is comfortable but cost WAY too much to drive as much as I do! Add that to the THOUSANDS we are paying in repairs and you can imagine the stress. Add on to that trying to complete my last online class, attend my weekly school supervision, doctors visits for me, Kaylee hurt her finger and had to get x-rays, Easter, Birthdays, work, Kimberly's school having tons of events and needing money for everything under the sun, trying to get 3 kids where they need to be and on time, cooking, grocery shopping, all while huge pregnant and really all I want to do is take a nap and relax!! There have been more than a few times I have just sat and cried. I don't know how it all gets done.  I would love to have a weekend to hide out and not have to do anything or be responsible for kids or the house or work or school. Now of course, I know that I volunteered to get pregnant, and I really am enjoying the pregnancy. I just wish I had help. I think that everyone is so used to me just doing everything that no one considers the physical and mental drain late pregnancy puts on me.
   Pregnancy wise everything is good. I now see the doctor weekly and he has no concerns. This week I was a finger tip dilated, which I guess is normal for 35 weeks. I did have to have the strep B screening, which I hate. But it's over now! My weight, well I'm over talking about that. It is what it is at this point. Honestly I don't give a shit if I deliver at 300 pounds. I will just bust my ass afterwards to burn it off. Which brings me to my other rant of the month.
   Let me just start by saying that I absolutely adore the baby's parents. We have been amazingly compatible for the majority of things throughout this whole process. Except one point.... breastfeeding. Way back in the beginning of the applications I was asked if I would be willing to pump, I of course said yes. When I got this couples profile, a surrogate who was willing to pump was not a requirement for them. It really did not cross my mind at that point that they wouldn't want breast milk if offered or that it would bother me so much. I really thought that I could just say, oh it's their child and their choice and that would be the end of it. As it turns out, it is a big deal for me. Not like I cry myself to sleep over it big deal, but a concept that I cannot grasp. I know that there are different beliefs in different cultures, but scientifically I cannot understand how the benefits of the colostrum and breast milk, even for the first couple of weeks could be something you do not want. Of course at this point I just keep my mouth shut because it really is not my choice, or my place to say anything, I know lots of people don't breastfeed I just cannot get my brain to process and understand the pros of not giving the baby breast milk. I will be pumping and donating, maybe it is my cranky hormones taking over, but I do not see myself doing that very long. While I am completely sold on the health benefits to me and the babies that will get my milk, spending the time and effort of pumping, storing and shipping breast milk to a hospital where I have no idea who it goes to is not motivating to me. It is not a matter of "bonding" or anything like that. But to have a name and a little face to motivate me to continue to put out all of the effort of pumping would be nice. From what I hear it is harder to get a good milk supply with pumping alone as well. I just have doubts about my commitment level to pumping when this process is done. I guess in the end if I match with another set of IPs in the future I now know that being able to pump and ideally breastfeed in the hospital is something that is very important to me.
  On another note with the birth fast approaching I find my anxiety level starting to rise! I worry that I may go into labor before the parents are in town, or that it will go fast and they will miss the delivery. I worry that it will happen in the middle of the day when I am at work and my husband is an over an hour away. I worry about my kids, even though there is a plan in place for them. I am also worrying more and more about the birth its self. From the beginning I have wanted a drug free deliver, but I am starting to doubt my abilities. Can I really endure that much pain for hours? Will my husband really be supportive when I am choosing to be in pain for the benefit of someone else? Will the parents be panicked by the intensity and gore of delivery? And then I really have to wonder if I will be emotionally ok after delivery. Right now I really have no feelings of how will I be able to cope with not bringing a baby home. I think I will miss feeling him move, that is my favorite part!! I think I will have some frustration over being asked about the baby by those that don't know the story. But most of all I am stressing over the post baby fat stage where I can say "yeah, I'm fat but I just had a baby ". When you have the baby, people just know "oh she just gave birth"  for me it will be different. Yes, I will have given birth, but without the baby around I worry I will get "oh, she just got fat again". I know it is a silly thing to worry about. And I know that it will be easier to get back to where I was this time but it just seems to be something that keeps coming back for me.
  Now what I am looking forward to about not being pregnant anymore is sleeping, wearing my wedding ring again, margaritas, going for a run, eating what ever I want and of course being able to travel again!
   One last thing..... If you have been following my journey from the start, you may remember that one of my goals was to run a 5k, which I did last year. The 5k we did was called the Gnarly Neon. Basically, you start the route all in white and as you run through you are showered with dyed corn starch and by the end you are a big rainbow. It is a lot of fun!! A few months ago I asked my kids if they wanted to do it again and they said yes, so last weekend, at 35 weeks pregnant, I walked the 5k with them. It was still a lot of fun! I did worry when I had contractions walking up hills or when a large group of people came by, but it all turned out ok. We had a great time and I'm still pregnant! So today I leave you with a couple of pictures from the Gnarly Neon. The first is pre-race, the second is from our first color station where my mom, Kaylee and Dallys all thought it would be a cute photo op to put hand prints on my belly!

 

8 months

   It is so hard to believe that I am DAYS away from being 8 months pregnant! I know I say that every time, but it is true!This pregnancy is flying! The baby is really active now and I was able to FINALLY send his parents a video of him rolling around. He also enjoys hearing them speak French to him. To do this they send me recordings and some special belly bud speakers that go on my belly so he can hear their recordings. I try to play them for him when he is awake and moving so I know he hears them. I also play them when he is still in hopes that he will form subconscious brain connections to the sound of his parents voices. His favorites seem to be anything with music! When I play those recordings he moves like crazy!! This has been a really neat part of the process because, aside from one recording of one of the parents playing the piano, I have not listened to them. They are private messages between the parents and their baby. AND in all honesty, even if I did listen, I would have no idea what in the world they are saying since it is all in French!
   So how am I feeling these days..... Physically I still feel pretty good. In the mornings I feel great. By late afternoon I am starting to get tired and I am noticing some slight swelling in my hands and feet. My doctor assured me that it is perfectly normal at this stage of pregnancy. I am going to have to try to get naps in again if I am going to make it through the whole day! I am noticing that some things are getting much harder, like shaving my legs and putting on shoes! I have resorted to mostly wearing my ever growing collection of Teva Mush flip flops now that it is nice weather. And leg shaving is on an "as will be seen" basis, so if it doesn't show it grows!
  I actually kinda laugh at myself at time when I do things throughout the day. Like rolling over in bed, it is now a 3 part process; chest, then belly, then legs. Pretty much the same thing getting up off of the couch; scoot to the edge, belly out for leverage, then pull the rest of my body up! There are some other limitations I am noticing as well. It is starting to get warm, which means I am now in the HOT phase. This is so rare for me, I am usually cold, but now I am like a heater! The other day it was in the mid 80's and I thought it would be so nice to turn our cooler fan on BUT it is still covered. Normally this would not be an issue, I would get the ladder, go on the roof and uncover it. Well not pregnant! The thought process was something like this in my pregnant filterless self talk; "ugh, it's hotter than hell, I'm going to turn the cooler on" "Shit! It's covered!" "ok, I'll uncover it" " Dammit! I can't lift the ladder!" " I'll have the kids carry it!" "Shit again! It would be stupid to go on the roof at almost 8 months pregnant!" "uuuugggghhh, I'll just open the stupid window, but I'm still hot!!". I have to just laugh, I go through this process all day long! There are so many things that I always have just done myself that it is difficult to take the time to remember that I am quite pregnant and cannot do it all.
   Which brings me to how I am doing mentally. I'm exhausted! Not tired of being pregnant, I really am loving that! But mentally drained! I am working quite a bit trying to get a cushion of hours so I am all set to graduate, I am taking my last official class, trying to keep up with the kids and house as well! Now I do have a housekeeper, which has been a life saver!!! But, of course, I have to have everything picked up before she comes. No dishes in the sink, no toys on the floor ect. I am so grateful to have her but there are some things that are the responsibility of the people living here. Which usually means me. It seems that I am the only one who sees the stuff on the floor or dishes in the sink. I have George put away the clothes that he doesn't put in the dryer and I try to get the kids to pick up the stuff in their bathroom but other than that it all me. Now realistically do these things HAVE to be done, no. But I will go nuts if they are not done!
   The kids have each been having their own struggles these past few weeks as well. The girls have school stuff and Noah's fits have been off the hook again. There is another list of things for me to do! Call the school, go to this meeting, check that homework is done, not kill Noah before George gets home.... Then 2/3 of the kids got sick..... While George was in Texas!!! I have also been trying to finish my school required therapy, which is a joke! My therapist told me that I seemed anxious and stressed and that I need to ask for help and find time to relax and get centered! Um yeah right, that is never going to happen! What I need is a clone! I cleaning mom, a kid mom, a work mom, a school mom, a wife mom ect. Then the pregnant mom can take a break! I am really missing the coast right now. That is my go to spot to relax and get centered.

    Ok, enough whining, on to the good stuff! Kaylee and I had a mommy/daughter date to my OB appointment this week for another ultrasound! Everything looked good. My blood pressure is good and the baby is measuring right where he should be, at a nice AVERAGE 4 pounds. The estimate is that he will be 7-8 pounds. Keep praying for mid 7's! That is my goal, not that I have any control over it! Kaylee got the doctor to give us a look at him in 3D as well. He is so cute! You can now see that his little cheeks are starting to chub out! Now, some have said that he looks like a zombie or Chucky (yes, the possessed doll) but I see a perfect baby boy who will make his parents dreams come true!
   Of course I have a couple of pictures to share as well! One is of the baby. The other is from my walk with Kaylee. She saw this tree and said " Mom, look it's pregnant like you. You have to get a preggo mom and tree picture!"

7+ months

I cannot believe that I am already almost 7 1/2 months pregnant! Time is flying! My last OB appointment went well, everything is looking great. I go back on April 10th for another ultrasound to see how big the baby is. I am looking forward to this appointment and praying for a nice AVERAGE size baby! I have a history of growing big babies though. Hopefully since this one has none of my genetics it will be smaller.
   Really there is not much to report, I am still feeling good overall, but sleeping less and less. I have noticed that the floor is getting much farther away though. When things fall on the ground there is serious thought put into if it NEEDS to be picked up or not! Then there is the major blessing of the third trimester..... HOUSE KEEPING allowance! It sounds petty but with 3 kids, 2 dogs, work, school and being big pregnant it is so nice not to have to worry about cleaning my house. Of course, I still keep things picked up and we do our own dishes and stuff like that but I don't have to do floors, clean the bathrooms, dust ect. I am seriously trying to figure out how to budget a permanent house keeper!
   Sorry for the short blog but things are going so well that there is not much to report! Ill add more after the next ultrasound, until then here is another picture of my ever growing belly!( For the record, I still weigh less than I did before my weight loss)

The third trimester begins

I CANNOT believe that I got an email from the agency saying "Welcome to the third trimester" already! Where has the time gone? This pregnancy is going so fast! It has also been VERY easy. I feel so good, there is really nothing pregnancy related to complain about. If I had to pick something I would have to say that I have no willpower when it comes to eating and really have not find time to workout and I am starting to have a harder time sleeping. Nothing extreme, nothing major, just a nice smooth pregnancy. I don't even think I have strange cravings. The worst is probably chocolate chip cookies dipped in orange juice, but I like that even when I am not pregnant.
   The baby moves a lot these days, but only when no one is trying to feel him!! Just today I got a few major kicks and as soon as Kimberly tried to feel it, he stopped! He has decided that he likes to keep his feet under my ribs and use my bladder as a punching bag. It doesn't hurt or anything, just a strange sensation. The baby's parents have sent me a few recordings of them speaking that I play for him so that he will recognize their voices and get to hear their language. He loves it!! He wiggles around at first but then goes still. I am so glad that the technology is available to do this!
   There is no questioning if I look pregnant or not these days! I don't feel like I am too big, but definitely pregnant! I am to the point that I am kind of avoiding some of my family now. Not because I feel I need to hide the pregnancy, but I really do not think that they could fully understand the process and why I would do this. I don't have the time or patience anymore for debates! I have been getting asked a lot if I am getting more attached now that I feel him moving, know he is a boy and know his name. No. Not at all. Of course when he is born I will want to squeeze him and love on him, but I am like that with any baby I can get my hands on! Some one described it as the birth of a niece or nephew and I think that is pretty accurate. We love him and his family, but more as family members than as a child I am carrying. I don't know if that all makes sense but to sum it up, it is a different feeling all together from carrying my own children. I still love to poke at him and feel him move but it is more of a hey that's cool thing than a bonding thing.
   I notice a HUGE difference in my energy and lack of connection since I do not have to do any baby prep. I had no idea how much stress I was going to avoid by not worrying about a name. or child care or setting up a nursery!
   My biggest dilemma is my upcoming graduation. I will complete my course work at the end of June. I am the first person in my family, on both sides, to get a Master's degree. Unfortunately,  the graduation ceremony is at the end of April..... in Sacramento. Due to my contract I am not able to travel over 100 miles from Mercy now so I cannot attend. Even if I could it is a combination of several National University locations so I am sure that the ceremony is going to be much longer than I could sit through without a bathroom break. Now, I knew that this was going to happen from the beginning of my pregnancy and I really thought I didn't care. But as I see my classmates preparing for the ceremony I am a little sad. I decided to get my Master's degree at my Bachelor's graduation when I saw the Master's get hooded. I wanted that too but now I have done the work and won't get the celebration to go with it. I guess what really matters is that I will have the degree. I will have "official" letters after my name (ok, I don't care about that) and I will have a couple of years worth of income in student loans to prove it!! Really, I have a huge sense of accomplishment. There have been several times that I thought I could not do it. I was overwhelmed and I did not feel smart enough. But I think back to a nasty old lady and a few others, that told me that my life was over when I got pregnant at 16 and that I would never go anywhere. I would love to see those people and give them a big fuck you!!
   In all actuality this pregnancy is one of the accomplishments that I am most proud of. Not many people can say that they helped create a family. Regardless of compensation I  have put myself through tons of medical procedures, the physical and mental effects of pregnancy and I will go through child birth for someone else. I don't really feel like I am doing anything special, maybe that is because I have connected with a great support system of other surrogates, but the last few days I have had quite a few people recognize that surrogacy is not for everyone. It is an exciting, wonderful experience but it is for sure not for everyone!
   I am trying not to panic about my weight, at almost 7 months pregnant I still weigh less than I did before I lost weight. Since the weather has been nice this week I have got to go on a few walks, which was nice. I am trying to work my endurance up so that I can walk in the Gnarly Neon 5k in May! (with my doctors ok of course!)
   Doctors appointment next week to check on how the little French Fry is growing and to get my Rogam shot because I have a negative blood type. Should be nice and easy!!

It's a ........

So after a slight delay our IP's got to come visit our tiny little town and meet my family, including the dogs, and find out what their baby is! It was such an exciting day!! It was a little stressful preparing for our Ips arrival, they come from a very large city and well... it's Redding. I wouldn't say that I was worried, just anxious to see how they reacted to such a small place! It all went well and they even survived their drive through all of the cow and horse pastures in Cottonwood to my house.
   Of course I had not slept well the night before and started my morning off with a trip to the dentist which sucked!! But after all of that I was able to meet up with our IPs and do a little catching up before we went to tour the hospital. With Mercy being a catholic hospital I was not sure how a surrogate pregnancy would be received, but it went well. The lady that gave us the tour was very nice, answered all of our questions and showed us everything on the labor and delivery floor and pediatrics. It sounds like they will be as accommodating as possible to the needs of our unique situation. Then it was off to the doctor for our BIG ultrasound!!
   I love my doctor. I chose him because I knew that he had worked with a few other surrogates in the area, he is younger and fairly laid back. He has a good sense of humor as well! His staff has really worked with us as much as possible to make sure that everything goes nicely. My Ips really liked him too. He took the time to answer questions and even gave us a little 3D peek of the baby!! Which brings me to the ultrasound. What an experience!! This was the fourth time that I have been able to see the baby BUT it was the parents first time getting to see their baby! It was so amazing to get to witness them seeing their baby move and we even got some really nice picture of its face. Again, my doctor took the time to explain all of the things that we were looking at and reassure the parents that everything looked normal. Emotionally it was an interesting experience for me. I was amazed by the 3D images, I did not have 3D with my kids. It was so cool to see the facial features already! But I did not feel that warm, falling in love with my baby feeling that I had with my own. It was more of a sense of joy for the parents. This was the moment that the pregnancy became very real for them. It was not just pictures and emails from the other side of the world, they were there, in the room seeing their baby and watching it move around and kick, and seeing its little heart beat. It was just an amazing experience! And so what everyone wants to know..... what is it??

 IT'S A BOY!!! He is not modest at all and gave us quite a view!! THIS was especially exciting for me because while I knew that my IPS were leaning toward girl, I really thought it was a boy! They, of course, are thrilled with a boy as well! This is my first time carrying a boy so I am excited to see just how different it will be from my girl pregnancies. Unfortunately, this pregnancy is going so quickly!! I cannot believe that in just a few days I will be 6 months pregnant. That means that in about 16 weeks we will get to meet this little guy!

 What a year it has been. To think back to this time last year, I was stressing over if I would meet the right couple and how long this process takes. Now, I wish it would slow down a bit! This has been such an amazing, life changing experience for my whole family!

   As if seeing their son for the first time and checking out possible places to live for a bit was not enough, my IPs got to meet my family in person for the first time! We started off kind of slow. They met me and the kids at the mall and had a few minutes to chat with the kids while we did some shopping. Then my mom joined us. Now, I was quite excited for her to meet them. While she has been very supportive, I knew that meeting the parents in person would be when she would fully understand how and why I can carry a baby and be okay with not taking it home. Also why I would go through all of the medical stuff and the body changes of pregnancy for people who a year ago were strangers to us. As expected, she loved them! Then we all went to dinner where we were joined by George and Dallys. Dinner went really well and it was full of laughter and good conversations!

  Today my Ips came out to the house to say goodbye. We had a nice visit and my dogs were pretty well behaved! As some know, I am a stress cleaner before we have company. Well because we had all been so sick we just deep cleaned a couple of weeks ago and time was pretty limited so of course things were not as clean as I would have liked, but it was reality! I have 3 kids and 2 dogs and work while going to school and pregnant, some dust and clutter is what life is really like for us! Now in about 3 weeks my housekeeping allowance will start!! I will still do the stuff I am crazy about but it will be so nice to pass on cleaning the floors and bathrooms! Dusting too, I hate dusting! I have never had someone else clean my house for me so I am really torn, do I hire a company that I know will do a good job, or do I hire Dallys who is cheaper labor!! Really, I think that I may do both, have Dallys clean one week and a professional the next!

  Overall it was a great visit that was filled with emotions. It was so exciting to get to introduce my IPs to my kids and mom and Dallys so that they all know why I adore my Ips so much. It was also great for my kids to experience a little bit of a different culture! And it was absolutely amazing to get to watch my IPs realize that they really are going to be parents in just a few short months. I cannot imagine what it must be like for them. They have to trust that someone all the way around the world, in a country with different norms will be responsible enough to love and nurture their baby from just a few days after conception until he is ready to come into the world. They have to trust that I really will follow the things that are lined out in the contract and that their baby's health is the top priority. I think about how hard it is for me to let my kids go to a friends house and I cannot fathom what this is like for them. I hear horror stories of the limitations and requests that other surrogate have from their IPs and I am so grateful that mine just trust me to do what is best.  What an honor to be a part of changing their lives like this.

20 weeks

Ok really, I am a slacker.... I am now 22 weeks but it has been a CRAZY couple of weeks since my 20 week appointment! The kids and I have taken turns with every illness going around!
   My 20 week appointment went well. The baby sounded good. It was pretty routine. We were supposed to have an ultrasound on 2/4 but due to some uncontrollable circumstances that appointment had to be changed. Now my IPs will be here on 2/13 for the big ultrasound to see what the gender is!! My vote.... boy. For no reason other than it's lack of cooperation with anything I want to do! First off, when I try to pick up the hear beat with the Doppler it moves as soon as I get it. Then it likes to wiggle when I have to pee and when I go to bed. Of course feeling the baby move is not a bad thing BUT there is no way that I could let it move and not poke it back. That is my little reward for carrying this baby, I get to play with it!! It also hates Taco Bell nachos (which I love) and anything else that has the slightest bit of spice. I pay for that indulgence with some lovely heartburn!
Overall though I still feel great. I am loving being pregnant at this point. I am not so huge that I cannot move and I am out of the "is she getting fat" stage.
  Kaylee was super excited that she got to be the first (and only one besides me) to feel that baby move from the outside! This was quite a feat. It took serious patience and several tries. Our day was spent like this. "Kaylee, it's moving" she runs over pushes her hand on my belly only to feel nothing for several minutes. We repeated this process for hours until finally she got to feel a little roll! I on the other hand am not only privy to little rolls, I am starting to get some good kicks too. Not painful, it just kind of takes my breath away. And of course it thinks that my bladder is a trampoline.
   Noah has been quite entertaining as well now that he has realized that there is a baby in my tummy. He wanted to listen to the heart beat so we did, then he wanted to listen to the heart beat of the baby in HIS tummy. When we couldn't find it he said "oh, the baby in my tummy died!" He also asked why I ate the baby! And the other day in the car he asked how the baby got in my tummy. I explained to him that the doctor used a special tube to put the baby in there. (much easier to explain than a traditional pregnancy!) To that he replied "Well, I want the doctor to put a baby in my tummy too!" Gotta love 3 year olds!!
   Kimberly is mostly into boys and her friends but still likes to regularly jiggle my belly and talk to the baby. I am trying to convince her that the jiggling is not necessary!!
   As stubborn as the baby is, it really likes my dog. Nothing gets it moving like my dog laying her head on my tummy! I have a feeling that it will become a battle once the movements are strong enough to disturb Karma from her napping!
  So far I have not had any strange cravings either. I have cravings.... just not strange stuff. My most common have been steak and pudding. I have also developed an aversion to home brewed coffee, even with my precious pumpkin spice creamer. I have had quite a sweet tooth, for which I am paying every time I look at the scale. My weight gain is not too bad, just not where I wanted it to be. My goal for the next week is to make time to go check out a gym. My schedule is so crazy that I do not have much daylight time that I can go for a walk and it turns out that I suck at doing videos. There are just too many distractions as home!! My hope is that I will be able to fit the gym in between work and getting the kids. The one I am looking at has a lot of options that I am interested in like water aerobics and yoga. Really the big thing is that when I work my ass off at the gym I am more motivated to eat well. It turns out that pregnancy does not go with my eating plan from before. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, my main staple for lunch was deli meat and left over chicken. As my luck would have it, the dietary recommendations have gotten stricter since the last time I was pregnant and all meats must be heated (including the deli meat). This disrupted my routine and I now fall victim to the temptation of the Taco Bell burrito! Really it comes down to I have no idea what the hell to eat for lunch that is safe and does not have to be heated. Now, if I had an office job heating food would not be an issue BUT that is not what I do! I go from place to place in my car all day and who knows where I will be when I get hungry!!
  The other challenge I have had is that I cannot get anyone (like my doctor) to tell me EXACTLY how many calories I NEED while I am pregnant. I am certain I have to have more than the 1200 I ate before! My doctor's only solution is to get more aerobic exercise. Now, don't get me wrong. I know that I enjoy exercising when I do it. I just truly have not been able to find the time to do it! Now, I tell clients all day that you have to schedule self care blah blah blah... I suck at that!
   My self care has been naps! Which again I relate to my lack of exercise the last few months. Let me bore you with my sleep history. I used to sleep like shit. Can't fall asleep, cant stay asleep and so on. Now when I was running regularly I slept great. The first trimester, I still slept great. Second trimester my sleeping sucks again. And I NEED sleep!! I am not a person that can function on a few hours of sleep. I wish I could say that I was losing sleep because I was uncomfortable or the baby moved too much but no, that is not it. I just can't sleep! Most nights I do fall asleep ok but I wake up around 2 am and stay awake for HOURS! I think it is so frustrating to me because I know how to sleep better but I have not found a way to fit it in. I am however, getting ready to register for the Gnarly Neon again. This was is the 5k that I ran last year. It is May 3rd and I will be about 36 weeks pregnant so I am pretty sure that I will NOT be running it BUT you bet your ass I will be walking those 3 miles with my girls!! In order to do that though I need to start doing something!
  I am also still really wanting to have a drug free birth (which again is easier when you stay active). I am not super woman and I know it hurts like hell. I tried with Kaylee but I did not have the greatest support at delivery so when my doctor was not supportive of a drug free birth I caved. I obviously chose a different doctor this time! I also have a doula and a supportive husband. I do worry a little bit about my IPs though. See, I know me and pain. I have a pretty high tolerance BUT it absolutely turns off any censor that I may have to my mouth! I worry that I may call them names or yell at them but hopefully they will know that I really do love them and don't mean it!! Really I am hoping to use some relaxation and meditation techniques to help me stay in control. And quite honestly, I am fully willing to accept that there may be a point that I decide that drug free is more than I can handle!
   The next two weeks will be a whirl wind of prep for our IPs to come. They not only get to hear and see their baby in person BUT in the two days that they are here they will get to meet my family as well. They will get a slight introduction into my schedule as well. The day they get here I have a dentist appointment ( which I have put off several times and HAVE to go now) then we will do the hospital tour and sonogram. After that I will rush back to Cottonwood to pick up the kids and back to Redding for Kimberly's Orthodontist appointment. Then we will all have dinner together hopefully before Noah get's tired and turns into super asshole. Friday won't be as bad though. I just have to drop off the kids and prepare for George and I to leave town early Saturday for my farewell trip to the beach!
   I am trying to not be sad over the fact that the day is soon approaching when I will not be able to sit on the beach. I know it is temporary but that is my heaven. Nothing is as soothing as sitting on the beach watching the waves. That is where I go when I need a break. The mountains and lakes are nice but nothing like the beach! I really wish that I was closer to the ocean. Enough of that, I really can't think about it anymore.
   Hopefully the next update will be a big gender reveal!!

 

Here is a growing tummy picture at 5 months