As I sat down to write this it dawned on me that this may very well be my last blog before this sweet little baby comes into the world to meet his parents. It is so surreal to think that the end is so close. The last few weeks, much like this whole pregnancy, has been a whirl wind. We had a nice visit with the parents and got to take them up to Whiskeytown to see one of the waterfalls. Of course, with me being so pregnant we just went to Crystal Creek Falls which is a short paved hike!
I think I can finally say that the fun part of pregnancy is over. While I still enjoy feeling him move, I am huge and uncomfortable most of the time, I am tired, and my feet are starting to REALLY swell. Last week was especially rough. The kids had a ton of stuff going on and it was pretty hot. By Friday my feet were painfully swollen. Of course that prompted my mom to do a Google search of what all swelling could be a symptom of. She suggested that I go get my blood pressure checked. I had a few errands to run first but when I finally got to a pharmacy where I could check my bp, it was a little high. Of course it was after hours so I consulted my surro group for ideas. I checked my bp again at a different pharmacy and it was even higher. At that point with the encouragement of the surro group, I caved and called my doctor. He told me that I needed to go to the hospital to get checked. This put me into a mild panic! I was so not ready to go to the hospital and possibly be told that something could be wrong. I had pulled over to talk to the doctor and as we left the parking lot my niece asked me if I was going to the hospital. My answer? "yes, but I have to go home first!" I had to drop Noah off and get my bags/breast pump just in case. Plus I needed to procrastinate just a little! We did end up going (at about 7 pm) and I was monitored for about an hour. Everything looked great and my blood pressure was really good, like with being checked every 5 minutes the highest it went was 122 over something. My cervix was still just a finger tip dilated and long so I was told to go home, rest, take it easy, keep cool and keep my feet up. Much harder said than done! I did a pretty good job though and today my feet are almost normal size. I was also advised NOT to get my blood pressure checked at pharmacies, turns out their machines are very inaccurate!
This morning I went to my Ob for my 38 week check up. Again everything looked good. He warned me that we would start doing membrane stripping at 38 weeks. That sounded good to me, until I looked up what exactly that meant. When I was in the exam room he gave me the option of doing it or not, now, if you know me, you know that I am not good with decisions- especially ones that I need to make quickly! I finally decided that I would rather go through some pain and increase the chances that I will deliver before 41 weeks. The doctor so kindly said " reach under the drape and pull your knees back as far as you can. This may be uncomfortable" what he meant is " I'm going to shove my hand so far into your vagina that it will come out of your throat AND I'm going to move it all around while I am in there AND it is going to hurt like hell." Luckily the whole thing only lasted 5 seconds (the doctor actually counted to 5) and with a lovely string of swear words that would so not make my mom proud, it was over. Now there is a possibility that labor could start soon, but most likely I will stay pregnant a little longer.
This is also my last week of work. I decided that I really misjudged what my energy level would be at my age and this far in my pregnancy. Thank God that most of my work can be done by phone!
So friends of faith, I am asking for prayers for us all. Please pray for the parents who will go from a family of two to a family of three instantly. I try to think about when I had Kimberly and how much scarier it would have been not to have had a pregnancy to prepare me for caring for a baby. I also ask that you pray for my family and my husband, they will need all of the support that they can get to be able to support me through labor, delivery and the weeks after. My husband will have to be strong and hold it all together for both of us to help me make it through labor and delivery. And finally, I ask that you pray for me, that I will have the strength I need to bring this baby into this world, drug free, and that I will be ok emotionally as my role in this journey comes to an end. That is the part that seems so hard to explain. It is not that there is an attachment to the baby, really there is not. Yes, he is loved and will always hold a special place in my heart, right along with his parents, it is more of a sense of loss that I am fearing. I guess a loss of purpose. Now, every day I play a ton of roles, mom, wife, student, therapist ect. but for over a year I have held a special role of surrogate. That has been something that has been very dear to me. It is this role that had helped me and my family grow so much. It is this role that had given me the unwavering faith that I am following Gods plan for me, no matter how untraditional it is and no matter who questioned it. Helping to create a family for someone else has been one of my greatest accomplishments. So many times I have heard women say "I don't know if I could do that" or " I thought about it but..." I can say that I have done it! I have given myself shots, puked, and gone through the aches and pains of pregnancy to make someone else's dream come true. Now, I have heard many comments about the fact that I am compensated for carrying. True, I am. And I am so grateful for that. The compensation has made it possible for me to go through this pregnancy and not worry about the fact that I do not have a paying job as I am finishing up my Master's degree. It made is possible to make unforeseen repairs to our cars, and pay off credit cards and after delivery, it will be that compensation that makes it possible for us to take our kids to Disneyland. The reality is that my family has made many sacrifices, especially late in the pregnancy, so no, I do not feel guilty that we were compensated, but that is not the reason that I have done this. There is no price tag that can be put on watching two amazing people prepare for their biggest dream to come true. I look at my children and they are everything to me. I cannot imagine what my life would be like without them, that is why we embarked on this journey, so that someone else would have the joy of raising a family.
***** As you read this please remember that 1) I am 38 weeks pregnant, even my ocd brain will make spelling and grammar errors and 2) I do not go back and proof read anything. If I did ocd brain would take over and change, correct or make this something more than my raw thoughts and feelings.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Thursday, May 8, 2014
The count down is on......
Ok, not really. With just about 4 1/2 weeks left until my due date, I am not counting down or over being pregnant. Although, people ask me this ALL of the time. I cannot count how many times a day I hear " You haven't had that baby yet?" " Aren't you DONE being pregnant?"" Are you sure you have room to let him grow 4 more weeks?" and the big one lately is " you are still working?' Ect. Thank you for your concern, but yes, I KNOW I am huge. It's no surprise. I got big with the other 2 as well. I am fully aware that I can no longer see my toes, do an adequate shave job or reach the ground and breathe at the same time. I know that even my maternity clothes are getting tight as my hips and belly expand even more. I really do not need to hear it from strangers! I am also getting more and more strangers that want to rub my belly, I'm pregnant, not the fricking Buddha! I guess this late in the game I am getting quite tired and cranky. With the school year coming to an end the kids are super busy and work is pretty busy. I am having a harder time listening to people complain about why they can't do something these days! Seriously?? You have ONE kid, no job, no school yet you cannot make a phone call?
I am noticing quite a few physical changes as well. I am starting to get swelling in my hands and feet, my hips are getting much wider, my back aches and by the end of the day I am TIRED!! I have also noticed that I am way more sensitive to heat and sun which is a new symptom for me, I never experienced that with my other pregnancies. Rolling over in bed and getting up off of the couch are more difficult. But I still function. I do ask myself every day why in the world I am still working. Getting to places on time, having empathy and dragging huge bags of information is becoming a huge feat. Really what it comes down to is that I feel obligated. I have cases that are still needing help and there are only two of us to do it. I also look at the huge number of hours I have to complete to get licensed and figure I don't have time to take it easy before birth.
While I really try not to say anything to stress the parents out, they have enough on their plate, this last month has been one overwhelming, stressful pile of shit! It all started with my car breaking down. Not a little repair either, the engine had to be totally rebuilt! 3 weeks later it is still in the shop. Then while coming home from my moms, Kimberly's car breaks down. I had to drive the Excursion for a week while the other car was getting fixed, and the check engine light came on. Luckily that was just a sensor. I spent over $200 in gas in one week driving that thing, it looks nice and is comfortable but cost WAY too much to drive as much as I do! Add that to the THOUSANDS we are paying in repairs and you can imagine the stress. Add on to that trying to complete my last online class, attend my weekly school supervision, doctors visits for me, Kaylee hurt her finger and had to get x-rays, Easter, Birthdays, work, Kimberly's school having tons of events and needing money for everything under the sun, trying to get 3 kids where they need to be and on time, cooking, grocery shopping, all while huge pregnant and really all I want to do is take a nap and relax!! There have been more than a few times I have just sat and cried. I don't know how it all gets done. I would love to have a weekend to hide out and not have to do anything or be responsible for kids or the house or work or school. Now of course, I know that I volunteered to get pregnant, and I really am enjoying the pregnancy. I just wish I had help. I think that everyone is so used to me just doing everything that no one considers the physical and mental drain late pregnancy puts on me.
Pregnancy wise everything is good. I now see the doctor weekly and he has no concerns. This week I was a finger tip dilated, which I guess is normal for 35 weeks. I did have to have the strep B screening, which I hate. But it's over now! My weight, well I'm over talking about that. It is what it is at this point. Honestly I don't give a shit if I deliver at 300 pounds. I will just bust my ass afterwards to burn it off. Which brings me to my other rant of the month.
Let me just start by saying that I absolutely adore the baby's parents. We have been amazingly compatible for the majority of things throughout this whole process. Except one point.... breastfeeding. Way back in the beginning of the applications I was asked if I would be willing to pump, I of course said yes. When I got this couples profile, a surrogate who was willing to pump was not a requirement for them. It really did not cross my mind at that point that they wouldn't want breast milk if offered or that it would bother me so much. I really thought that I could just say, oh it's their child and their choice and that would be the end of it. As it turns out, it is a big deal for me. Not like I cry myself to sleep over it big deal, but a concept that I cannot grasp. I know that there are different beliefs in different cultures, but scientifically I cannot understand how the benefits of the colostrum and breast milk, even for the first couple of weeks could be something you do not want. Of course at this point I just keep my mouth shut because it really is not my choice, or my place to say anything, I know lots of people don't breastfeed I just cannot get my brain to process and understand the pros of not giving the baby breast milk. I will be pumping and donating, maybe it is my cranky hormones taking over, but I do not see myself doing that very long. While I am completely sold on the health benefits to me and the babies that will get my milk, spending the time and effort of pumping, storing and shipping breast milk to a hospital where I have no idea who it goes to is not motivating to me. It is not a matter of "bonding" or anything like that. But to have a name and a little face to motivate me to continue to put out all of the effort of pumping would be nice. From what I hear it is harder to get a good milk supply with pumping alone as well. I just have doubts about my commitment level to pumping when this process is done. I guess in the end if I match with another set of IPs in the future I now know that being able to pump and ideally breastfeed in the hospital is something that is very important to me.
On another note with the birth fast approaching I find my anxiety level starting to rise! I worry that I may go into labor before the parents are in town, or that it will go fast and they will miss the delivery. I worry that it will happen in the middle of the day when I am at work and my husband is an over an hour away. I worry about my kids, even though there is a plan in place for them. I am also worrying more and more about the birth its self. From the beginning I have wanted a drug free deliver, but I am starting to doubt my abilities. Can I really endure that much pain for hours? Will my husband really be supportive when I am choosing to be in pain for the benefit of someone else? Will the parents be panicked by the intensity and gore of delivery? And then I really have to wonder if I will be emotionally ok after delivery. Right now I really have no feelings of how will I be able to cope with not bringing a baby home. I think I will miss feeling him move, that is my favorite part!! I think I will have some frustration over being asked about the baby by those that don't know the story. But most of all I am stressing over the post baby fat stage where I can say "yeah, I'm fat but I just had a baby ". When you have the baby, people just know "oh she just gave birth" for me it will be different. Yes, I will have given birth, but without the baby around I worry I will get "oh, she just got fat again". I know it is a silly thing to worry about. And I know that it will be easier to get back to where I was this time but it just seems to be something that keeps coming back for me.
Now what I am looking forward to about not being pregnant anymore is sleeping, wearing my wedding ring again, margaritas, going for a run, eating what ever I want and of course being able to travel again!
One last thing..... If you have been following my journey from the start, you may remember that one of my goals was to run a 5k, which I did last year. The 5k we did was called the Gnarly Neon. Basically, you start the route all in white and as you run through you are showered with dyed corn starch and by the end you are a big rainbow. It is a lot of fun!! A few months ago I asked my kids if they wanted to do it again and they said yes, so last weekend, at 35 weeks pregnant, I walked the 5k with them. It was still a lot of fun! I did worry when I had contractions walking up hills or when a large group of people came by, but it all turned out ok. We had a great time and I'm still pregnant! So today I leave you with a couple of pictures from the Gnarly Neon. The first is pre-race, the second is from our first color station where my mom, Kaylee and Dallys all thought it would be a cute photo op to put hand prints on my belly!
I am noticing quite a few physical changes as well. I am starting to get swelling in my hands and feet, my hips are getting much wider, my back aches and by the end of the day I am TIRED!! I have also noticed that I am way more sensitive to heat and sun which is a new symptom for me, I never experienced that with my other pregnancies. Rolling over in bed and getting up off of the couch are more difficult. But I still function. I do ask myself every day why in the world I am still working. Getting to places on time, having empathy and dragging huge bags of information is becoming a huge feat. Really what it comes down to is that I feel obligated. I have cases that are still needing help and there are only two of us to do it. I also look at the huge number of hours I have to complete to get licensed and figure I don't have time to take it easy before birth.
While I really try not to say anything to stress the parents out, they have enough on their plate, this last month has been one overwhelming, stressful pile of shit! It all started with my car breaking down. Not a little repair either, the engine had to be totally rebuilt! 3 weeks later it is still in the shop. Then while coming home from my moms, Kimberly's car breaks down. I had to drive the Excursion for a week while the other car was getting fixed, and the check engine light came on. Luckily that was just a sensor. I spent over $200 in gas in one week driving that thing, it looks nice and is comfortable but cost WAY too much to drive as much as I do! Add that to the THOUSANDS we are paying in repairs and you can imagine the stress. Add on to that trying to complete my last online class, attend my weekly school supervision, doctors visits for me, Kaylee hurt her finger and had to get x-rays, Easter, Birthdays, work, Kimberly's school having tons of events and needing money for everything under the sun, trying to get 3 kids where they need to be and on time, cooking, grocery shopping, all while huge pregnant and really all I want to do is take a nap and relax!! There have been more than a few times I have just sat and cried. I don't know how it all gets done. I would love to have a weekend to hide out and not have to do anything or be responsible for kids or the house or work or school. Now of course, I know that I volunteered to get pregnant, and I really am enjoying the pregnancy. I just wish I had help. I think that everyone is so used to me just doing everything that no one considers the physical and mental drain late pregnancy puts on me.
Pregnancy wise everything is good. I now see the doctor weekly and he has no concerns. This week I was a finger tip dilated, which I guess is normal for 35 weeks. I did have to have the strep B screening, which I hate. But it's over now! My weight, well I'm over talking about that. It is what it is at this point. Honestly I don't give a shit if I deliver at 300 pounds. I will just bust my ass afterwards to burn it off. Which brings me to my other rant of the month.
Let me just start by saying that I absolutely adore the baby's parents. We have been amazingly compatible for the majority of things throughout this whole process. Except one point.... breastfeeding. Way back in the beginning of the applications I was asked if I would be willing to pump, I of course said yes. When I got this couples profile, a surrogate who was willing to pump was not a requirement for them. It really did not cross my mind at that point that they wouldn't want breast milk if offered or that it would bother me so much. I really thought that I could just say, oh it's their child and their choice and that would be the end of it. As it turns out, it is a big deal for me. Not like I cry myself to sleep over it big deal, but a concept that I cannot grasp. I know that there are different beliefs in different cultures, but scientifically I cannot understand how the benefits of the colostrum and breast milk, even for the first couple of weeks could be something you do not want. Of course at this point I just keep my mouth shut because it really is not my choice, or my place to say anything, I know lots of people don't breastfeed I just cannot get my brain to process and understand the pros of not giving the baby breast milk. I will be pumping and donating, maybe it is my cranky hormones taking over, but I do not see myself doing that very long. While I am completely sold on the health benefits to me and the babies that will get my milk, spending the time and effort of pumping, storing and shipping breast milk to a hospital where I have no idea who it goes to is not motivating to me. It is not a matter of "bonding" or anything like that. But to have a name and a little face to motivate me to continue to put out all of the effort of pumping would be nice. From what I hear it is harder to get a good milk supply with pumping alone as well. I just have doubts about my commitment level to pumping when this process is done. I guess in the end if I match with another set of IPs in the future I now know that being able to pump and ideally breastfeed in the hospital is something that is very important to me.
On another note with the birth fast approaching I find my anxiety level starting to rise! I worry that I may go into labor before the parents are in town, or that it will go fast and they will miss the delivery. I worry that it will happen in the middle of the day when I am at work and my husband is an over an hour away. I worry about my kids, even though there is a plan in place for them. I am also worrying more and more about the birth its self. From the beginning I have wanted a drug free deliver, but I am starting to doubt my abilities. Can I really endure that much pain for hours? Will my husband really be supportive when I am choosing to be in pain for the benefit of someone else? Will the parents be panicked by the intensity and gore of delivery? And then I really have to wonder if I will be emotionally ok after delivery. Right now I really have no feelings of how will I be able to cope with not bringing a baby home. I think I will miss feeling him move, that is my favorite part!! I think I will have some frustration over being asked about the baby by those that don't know the story. But most of all I am stressing over the post baby fat stage where I can say "yeah, I'm fat but I just had a baby ". When you have the baby, people just know "oh she just gave birth" for me it will be different. Yes, I will have given birth, but without the baby around I worry I will get "oh, she just got fat again". I know it is a silly thing to worry about. And I know that it will be easier to get back to where I was this time but it just seems to be something that keeps coming back for me.
Now what I am looking forward to about not being pregnant anymore is sleeping, wearing my wedding ring again, margaritas, going for a run, eating what ever I want and of course being able to travel again!
One last thing..... If you have been following my journey from the start, you may remember that one of my goals was to run a 5k, which I did last year. The 5k we did was called the Gnarly Neon. Basically, you start the route all in white and as you run through you are showered with dyed corn starch and by the end you are a big rainbow. It is a lot of fun!! A few months ago I asked my kids if they wanted to do it again and they said yes, so last weekend, at 35 weeks pregnant, I walked the 5k with them. It was still a lot of fun! I did worry when I had contractions walking up hills or when a large group of people came by, but it all turned out ok. We had a great time and I'm still pregnant! So today I leave you with a couple of pictures from the Gnarly Neon. The first is pre-race, the second is from our first color station where my mom, Kaylee and Dallys all thought it would be a cute photo op to put hand prints on my belly!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)