As I sat down to write this it dawned on me that this may very well be my last blog before this sweet little baby comes into the world to meet his parents. It is so surreal to think that the end is so close. The last few weeks, much like this whole pregnancy, has been a whirl wind. We had a nice visit with the parents and got to take them up to Whiskeytown to see one of the waterfalls. Of course, with me being so pregnant we just went to Crystal Creek Falls which is a short paved hike!
I think I can finally say that the fun part of pregnancy is over. While I still enjoy feeling him move, I am huge and uncomfortable most of the time, I am tired, and my feet are starting to REALLY swell. Last week was especially rough. The kids had a ton of stuff going on and it was pretty hot. By Friday my feet were painfully swollen. Of course that prompted my mom to do a Google search of what all swelling could be a symptom of. She suggested that I go get my blood pressure checked. I had a few errands to run first but when I finally got to a pharmacy where I could check my bp, it was a little high. Of course it was after hours so I consulted my surro group for ideas. I checked my bp again at a different pharmacy and it was even higher. At that point with the encouragement of the surro group, I caved and called my doctor. He told me that I needed to go to the hospital to get checked. This put me into a mild panic! I was so not ready to go to the hospital and possibly be told that something could be wrong. I had pulled over to talk to the doctor and as we left the parking lot my niece asked me if I was going to the hospital. My answer? "yes, but I have to go home first!" I had to drop Noah off and get my bags/breast pump just in case. Plus I needed to procrastinate just a little! We did end up going (at about 7 pm) and I was monitored for about an hour. Everything looked great and my blood pressure was really good, like with being checked every 5 minutes the highest it went was 122 over something. My cervix was still just a finger tip dilated and long so I was told to go home, rest, take it easy, keep cool and keep my feet up. Much harder said than done! I did a pretty good job though and today my feet are almost normal size. I was also advised NOT to get my blood pressure checked at pharmacies, turns out their machines are very inaccurate!
This morning I went to my Ob for my 38 week check up. Again everything looked good. He warned me that we would start doing membrane stripping at 38 weeks. That sounded good to me, until I looked up what exactly that meant. When I was in the exam room he gave me the option of doing it or not, now, if you know me, you know that I am not good with decisions- especially ones that I need to make quickly! I finally decided that I would rather go through some pain and increase the chances that I will deliver before 41 weeks. The doctor so kindly said " reach under the drape and pull your knees back as far as you can. This may be uncomfortable" what he meant is " I'm going to shove my hand so far into your vagina that it will come out of your throat AND I'm going to move it all around while I am in there AND it is going to hurt like hell." Luckily the whole thing only lasted 5 seconds (the doctor actually counted to 5) and with a lovely string of swear words that would so not make my mom proud, it was over. Now there is a possibility that labor could start soon, but most likely I will stay pregnant a little longer.
This is also my last week of work. I decided that I really misjudged what my energy level would be at my age and this far in my pregnancy. Thank God that most of my work can be done by phone!
So friends of faith, I am asking for prayers for us all. Please pray for the parents who will go from a family of two to a family of three instantly. I try to think about when I had Kimberly and how much scarier it would have been not to have had a pregnancy to prepare me for caring for a baby. I also ask that you pray for my family and my husband, they will need all of the support that they can get to be able to support me through labor, delivery and the weeks after. My husband will have to be strong and hold it all together for both of us to help me make it through labor and delivery. And finally, I ask that you pray for me, that I will have the strength I need to bring this baby into this world, drug free, and that I will be ok emotionally as my role in this journey comes to an end. That is the part that seems so hard to explain. It is not that there is an attachment to the baby, really there is not. Yes, he is loved and will always hold a special place in my heart, right along with his parents, it is more of a sense of loss that I am fearing. I guess a loss of purpose. Now, every day I play a ton of roles, mom, wife, student, therapist ect. but for over a year I have held a special role of surrogate. That has been something that has been very dear to me. It is this role that had helped me and my family grow so much. It is this role that had given me the unwavering faith that I am following Gods plan for me, no matter how untraditional it is and no matter who questioned it. Helping to create a family for someone else has been one of my greatest accomplishments. So many times I have heard women say "I don't know if I could do that" or " I thought about it but..." I can say that I have done it! I have given myself shots, puked, and gone through the aches and pains of pregnancy to make someone else's dream come true. Now, I have heard many comments about the fact that I am compensated for carrying. True, I am. And I am so grateful for that. The compensation has made it possible for me to go through this pregnancy and not worry about the fact that I do not have a paying job as I am finishing up my Master's degree. It made is possible to make unforeseen repairs to our cars, and pay off credit cards and after delivery, it will be that compensation that makes it possible for us to take our kids to Disneyland. The reality is that my family has made many sacrifices, especially late in the pregnancy, so no, I do not feel guilty that we were compensated, but that is not the reason that I have done this. There is no price tag that can be put on watching two amazing people prepare for their biggest dream to come true. I look at my children and they are everything to me. I cannot imagine what my life would be like without them, that is why we embarked on this journey, so that someone else would have the joy of raising a family.
***** As you read this please remember that 1) I am 38 weeks pregnant, even my ocd brain will make spelling and grammar errors and 2) I do not go back and proof read anything. If I did ocd brain would take over and change, correct or make this something more than my raw thoughts and feelings.
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