I am noticing quite a few physical changes as well. I am starting to get swelling in my hands and feet, my hips are getting much wider, my back aches and by the end of the day I am TIRED!! I have also noticed that I am way more sensitive to heat and sun which is a new symptom for me, I never experienced that with my other pregnancies. Rolling over in bed and getting up off of the couch are more difficult. But I still function. I do ask myself every day why in the world I am still working. Getting to places on time, having empathy and dragging huge bags of information is becoming a huge feat. Really what it comes down to is that I feel obligated. I have cases that are still needing help and there are only two of us to do it. I also look at the huge number of hours I have to complete to get licensed and figure I don't have time to take it easy before birth.
While I really try not to say anything to stress the parents out, they have enough on their plate, this last month has been one overwhelming, stressful pile of shit! It all started with my car breaking down. Not a little repair either, the engine had to be totally rebuilt! 3 weeks later it is still in the shop. Then while coming home from my moms, Kimberly's car breaks down. I had to drive the Excursion for a week while the other car was getting fixed, and the check engine light came on. Luckily that was just a sensor. I spent over $200 in gas in one week driving that thing, it looks nice and is comfortable but cost WAY too much to drive as much as I do! Add that to the THOUSANDS we are paying in repairs and you can imagine the stress. Add on to that trying to complete my last online class, attend my weekly school supervision, doctors visits for me, Kaylee hurt her finger and had to get x-rays, Easter, Birthdays, work, Kimberly's school having tons of events and needing money for everything under the sun, trying to get 3 kids where they need to be and on time, cooking, grocery shopping, all while huge pregnant and really all I want to do is take a nap and relax!! There have been more than a few times I have just sat and cried. I don't know how it all gets done. I would love to have a weekend to hide out and not have to do anything or be responsible for kids or the house or work or school. Now of course, I know that I volunteered to get pregnant, and I really am enjoying the pregnancy. I just wish I had help. I think that everyone is so used to me just doing everything that no one considers the physical and mental drain late pregnancy puts on me.
Pregnancy wise everything is good. I now see the doctor weekly and he has no concerns. This week I was a finger tip dilated, which I guess is normal for 35 weeks. I did have to have the strep B screening, which I hate. But it's over now! My weight, well I'm over talking about that. It is what it is at this point. Honestly I don't give a shit if I deliver at 300 pounds. I will just bust my ass afterwards to burn it off. Which brings me to my other rant of the month.
Let me just start by saying that I absolutely adore the baby's parents. We have been amazingly compatible for the majority of things throughout this whole process. Except one point.... breastfeeding. Way back in the beginning of the applications I was asked if I would be willing to pump, I of course said yes. When I got this couples profile, a surrogate who was willing to pump was not a requirement for them. It really did not cross my mind at that point that they wouldn't want breast milk if offered or that it would bother me so much. I really thought that I could just say, oh it's their child and their choice and that would be the end of it. As it turns out, it is a big deal for me. Not like I cry myself to sleep over it big deal, but a concept that I cannot grasp. I know that there are different beliefs in different cultures, but scientifically I cannot understand how the benefits of the colostrum and breast milk, even for the first couple of weeks could be something you do not want. Of course at this point I just keep my mouth shut because it really is not my choice, or my place to say anything, I know lots of people don't breastfeed I just cannot get my brain to process and understand the pros of not giving the baby breast milk. I will be pumping and donating, maybe it is my cranky hormones taking over, but I do not see myself doing that very long. While I am completely sold on the health benefits to me and the babies that will get my milk, spending the time and effort of pumping, storing and shipping breast milk to a hospital where I have no idea who it goes to is not motivating to me. It is not a matter of "bonding" or anything like that. But to have a name and a little face to motivate me to continue to put out all of the effort of pumping would be nice. From what I hear it is harder to get a good milk supply with pumping alone as well. I just have doubts about my commitment level to pumping when this process is done. I guess in the end if I match with another set of IPs in the future I now know that being able to pump and ideally breastfeed in the hospital is something that is very important to me.
On another note with the birth fast approaching I find my anxiety level starting to rise! I worry that I may go into labor before the parents are in town, or that it will go fast and they will miss the delivery. I worry that it will happen in the middle of the day when I am at work and my husband is an over an hour away. I worry about my kids, even though there is a plan in place for them. I am also worrying more and more about the birth its self. From the beginning I have wanted a drug free deliver, but I am starting to doubt my abilities. Can I really endure that much pain for hours? Will my husband really be supportive when I am choosing to be in pain for the benefit of someone else? Will the parents be panicked by the intensity and gore of delivery? And then I really have to wonder if I will be emotionally ok after delivery. Right now I really have no feelings of how will I be able to cope with not bringing a baby home. I think I will miss feeling him move, that is my favorite part!! I think I will have some frustration over being asked about the baby by those that don't know the story. But most of all I am stressing over the post baby fat stage where I can say "yeah, I'm fat but I just had a baby ". When you have the baby, people just know "oh she just gave birth" for me it will be different. Yes, I will have given birth, but without the baby around I worry I will get "oh, she just got fat again". I know it is a silly thing to worry about. And I know that it will be easier to get back to where I was this time but it just seems to be something that keeps coming back for me.
Now what I am looking forward to about not being pregnant anymore is sleeping, wearing my wedding ring again, margaritas, going for a run, eating what ever I want and of course being able to travel again!
One last thing..... If you have been following my journey from the start, you may remember that one of my goals was to run a 5k, which I did last year. The 5k we did was called the Gnarly Neon. Basically, you start the route all in white and as you run through you are showered with dyed corn starch and by the end you are a big rainbow. It is a lot of fun!! A few months ago I asked my kids if they wanted to do it again and they said yes, so last weekend, at 35 weeks pregnant, I walked the 5k with them. It was still a lot of fun! I did worry when I had contractions walking up hills or when a large group of people came by, but it all turned out ok. We had a great time and I'm still pregnant! So today I leave you with a couple of pictures from the Gnarly Neon. The first is pre-race, the second is from our first color station where my mom, Kaylee and Dallys all thought it would be a cute photo op to put hand prints on my belly!
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