Change of Plans

   So today is when I was supposed to be getting everything in order to leave for Pasadena on Saturday and transfer either Sunday or Tuesday. That has now changed. Due to my delayed cycle we are not able to transfer until July 23. This has been a blessing in disguise. While I am disappointed that we have to wait another month, this allows me to spend a weekend at the coast with my mom and brothers without restrictions. This is also allowing me to attend the last week of my couples therapy class. I was worried about missing 2 classes and then taking the final early. I am returning from the coast on July1st and will drive to Roseville for my first monitoring appointment of this cycle on July 2nd. At this appointment they will do blood work and an ultrasound, if everything looks good I will start the BIG shots and all of the prenatal vitamins and hormone pills. This cycle is a little different because we will be transferring a frozen embryo rather than a fresh one so I do not have to do the Lupron shots. Those were the easy ones! I am a little nervous about starting with the big ones this time, but they are only once every 3 days.
   This month has been very busy for us. The kids got out of school on the 13th and Kimberly graduated 8th grade on the 14th. I am attaching some pictures of her from Graduation, she was so beautiful. It makes me so sad to think that I have a baby in high school! The afternoon after her graduation she left to go on a houseboat for the weekend with church (poor thing!). Noah turned 3 on the 16th so I spent my "extra" time making a tractor cake and preparing for my in laws to arrive on Saturday. It was not a restful weekend at all!! This one coming up does not look so hot either. With this being my last week in this class I have a lot of assignments to work on, a lot of reading and a final to try to prepare for.  Sometimes I wonder how in the world I am going to manage another year of this! We are having speakers come into our classes now to talk to us about doing practicums at their sites. It is scary to think that in September I will start doing therapy on REAL people. God, I hope I don't mess anyone up!! Well, that is all there is for now. I'll update again in a few weeks after my appointment and hopefully it is good news of moving forward!

another appointment

And the word of the day is FRUSTRATION! I did not get to start the additional medication as planned yesterday. Just a little warning, this post may be a little TMI for some, but it is the reality of what is going on and a part of the journey. That being said let me take you back about 4 1/2 years, I did not like to take birth control pills and since I was in a monogamous relationship, I was looking for another form of birth control. I had an IUD before and after I had Kaylee so I decided to go with that. AT the appointment to get it placed the doctor told me about Mirena, a, IUD that had a small dose of hormones and it was likely that I would not have periods with it! Umm yes please!! So that is what I chose and true to her word, I did not have periods. In January at my medical screening the doctor at the fertility clinic removed my IUD and put me on birth control pills. I had a 3 day period in February and nothing in March. Knowing my terrible luck, I took a pregnancy test, which of course was negative. After chatting with some other lovely surros I found out that it was pretty common to have this happen and not to be alarmed. April came and went, still no period so I contacted HRC ( the fertility clinic) to let them know, I was assured that it was no big deal and to continue on the pill as directed. Again in May, no period! At this point we were close to the start of meds so I was instructed not to start a new birth control pack until I started my period, this was 11th or so, no surprise here, I did not get a period. When I got my calendar and treatment plan getting ready for transfer I reminded the nurse that I was not on bc or having periods and was told just to let her know when I start. Last week after my monitoring appointment the nurse at HRC emailed saying that they anticipated me starting my period soon and to let her know when it happened. Guess what? It did not happen!
     So this week while at my monitoring appointment the doctor doing the ultrasound told me that I need to have a fresh lining to do the transfer and that she anticipated that HRC would give me some medication to make my get my period. The response that I got from HRC was more or less: " you cannot start the next medication regimen because your hormone level was too high, we will recheck next week, let us know  if you start your period". My concern is that they did not want to induce menstruation so that I can grow a new lining. Transfer is supposed to happen in 2 weeks! I have a feeling that if I don't have a period by next week the transfer will be canceled or delayed! Now, I am not a doctor, and no one has actually said that, but it makes sense to me that if I need a fresh lining and the one I have is holding tight I cannot transfer. Of course I go through every scenario of why my body is not cooperating, I had a couple of drinks (3) over the last two months, maybe it is from my weight loss, maybe it is from the stress of this process and school and kids, maybe I am not praying enough, maybe I am not eating well enough. I have seriously thought of EVERY possibility and everything I MUST have done wrong. Now logically I know this is not true. I have been very careful to do EXACTLY what I have been instructed to do. I know that I cannot control the timing or my body. I know that transfers get delayed all of the time but it is still upsetting. I begin to doubt myself, Maybe my IPs will decide to use another surrogate, maybe I can't be a surrogate at all and there is some bigger underlying issue that was missed through the tests I did before and then maybe I am just hormonal and it is not a big deal. Maybe I will start soon and be back on track next week. It is frustrating to think that my messed up body could ruin our chance to transfer this month. I know that I have no control in this situation and maybe that is what is frustrating. I know that I have to trust God's timing and the clinic ability to do their job well but today, I am feeling defeated by my own body. Hopefully next weeks appointment will bring better news. As for me I am looking at every natural possibility out there to get my period started. I will be eating lots of parsley and choking down papaya and mangoes in hopes that I can help things along. I cannot take herbal remedies unless the doctor gives his ok, but adding these foods should not be a problem. Well, except for the fact that I am so picky and I have never eaten a papaya and mangoes are nasty and slimey and smell like a pine tree. This better work!!
   My goal now is to try to stay positive and not get discouraged. I know that it does not help and that none of this is within my control. If we have to wait another month then I guess there is a reason for that. I really hope that things work out and we keep our schedule though. I am finding that every stage of this journey has it's challenges. I still do not doubt my decision to become a surrogate though. This is so for me. I always new I was meant to have babies and knowing that I am helping to create a family for two people  that are going to make such wonderful parents makes all of this headache worth it. Will I still cry that things aren't going like I want them to? Yes. Will I whine that I have to drive 3 hours one way for a 20 minute appointment that I could most likely have done here in Redding? Probably. Will I pout at some of the restrictions? Likely. But in the end I know in my heart that this is what I am supposed to do and that it will all be worth it in the end.

aaaah!! Shots!

   So this update began at church this Sunday. I battle back and forth on if there is ANY possible way that this surrogacy could not be seen as biblical. This week, as with many others, the sermon was designed just for me! It was on telling your story about what God had done in your life. He said that this is what inspires others to believe, when they see miracles in the lives of people they know and love. Well, he also said that these testimonies are often seen by others as crazy! If we look back through the bible there are many "crazy" testimonies; talking burning bushes, water turned to blood, the blind given sight ect. This made so much sense to me! My testimony is for sure crazy! I wanted a baby, prayed for a baby and was given a baby with no pregnancy or delivery. Then I felt called to give that gift to another family. I was guided to chose THESE IP's, and now the medical process has started and in a month their baby will be transferred into my uterus for me to care for and nurture until delivering it into their arms. It doesn't get much crazier than that! This sermon was another affirmation that I am carrying out God's will by doing this.
  Fast forward to Monday morning. My first monitoring appointment in Roseville (3 hours away) was at 10:45, now I am known to occasionally get lost and panic in traffic, so Kimberly and I left at 7:15 to make sure that we were there on time. We had to make a few stops, I NEEDED coffee, Kimberly forgot deodorant so I had to buy her some and because of the coffee and my bladder that is the size of a peanut we had to check out every rest area along I5! There really was not much traffic once we reached Sacramento and we arrived 30 minutes early so we had a snack and headed in. We didn't wait long before I was called back for the blood draw. Kimberly has a fear of needles so she covered her eyes as they drew 2 vials of blood. Then we were sent back to the waiting room to wait for the ultrasound. Maybe 15 minutes later we were back getting checked out. My uterus lining was 7mm and I had 3 follicles on one side and 5 on the other. So what does that mean??  I have no idea!
   Since we were so close we decided to check out the Galleria mall, it is MUCH bigger than our mall!! We spent hours checking out all of the stores, it was a lot of fun and I didn't even spend any money! I left with only my free Victoria's Secret panties! Ok and some chocolate from Sees! Kimberly did not want to eat at any of the places in the mall so we were going to stop in Woodland since I am more familiar with the area there. Well, I have NO navigation skills so I have to rely on mapquest on my Iphone to get me where I need to be. There were a lot of turns to get to the mall so I didn't think anything when I didn't recognize anything. Then it told me to continue on this road 20-something miles. I knew that was not how we got there!! Turns out my lovely GPS decided that I needed to go home a different way! I was quite panicked! George had taken me to Sacramento this way once, but I was not familiar with any of it and I was hungry and there was nothing but FIELDS!! Thank God for my Sees candy! Ok, I did pack a bunch of fruits and veggies but that is NOT what I wanted! Once we made it to Marysville my poor daughter had been exposed to a wide variety of old and newly made up swear words! ( swearing is one of my many vices )  As we finally found Burger King ( which is what I had my mind made up that I wanted to eat) and I rolled my window down to order, there were church bells ringing!! Kimberly thought this was HILARIOUS. She told me it was God telling me to stop swearing, then she said "I'm calling Grandma!" haha! So we took the LOOONG scenic route (without bathrooms) home.
   On the way home I got the email from the nurse at HRC saying that everything looked good and I was to start the Lupron injections that evening. That made me a little nervous, who really WANTS to stab themselves with a needle? When I picked Kaylee up I told her that we would do the shot at 9:00, so of course she watched the clock like a hawk! 1 hour mom, 30 minutes mom, 10 minutes.... it's time!! I got everything ready and Kimberly got my phone ready to video as Kaylee watched. I decided I was not going to drag it out, just do it, so I quickly stabbed the needle in. To my surprise I felt NOTHING! No, pinch or poke, no burning. Nothing! Now me being as technologically challenged as I am, somehow I deleted the video of the injection I was going to share!Kaylee is going to do the injection tonight so we will video that and attach it before I post this update.
   So what now? I continue the Lupron injections until next Thursday when I have my next monitoring appointment. At that appointment they will decide if I am ready to start Estridol/ Delestrogen injections, Estrace tablets, prenatal vitamins, folate supplements, DHA supplements, Baby aspirin and   possibly reduce the amount of Lupron I am injecting daily. Oh man that is going to be a lot! These injections are the BIG ones that will go into my hip, I am quite nervous about those!! That's if for this week, more to come after my appointment next week !

Here We Go!

It has been a quiet couple of weeks awaiting my appointment to start medication Monday. There has been a lot going on with school and the kids. Kaylee had to do her project on the California missions, it was very painful to let her do it and not take over and make it perfect! She was a little bummed when she went to class and many kids had projects that their parents very obviously had done, but someone gave her a complement on hers and she was so proud to be able to say that she had done most of the work. I pretty much did nothing other than run the hot glue gun and help her put on the horrendous plaster of Paris ( which I will NEVER touch again). Then Kimberly got braces, she was really excited to get them on but they were a little uncomfortable this morning. She is preparing to graduate 8th grade next month and then leave for camp out on a house boat with church. She graduates at 10 am and leaves for camp at 2 pm the same day! She is going to have so much fun. I am so grateful to have found a church that is so much fun for my kids to be a part of.
  Now surrogacy related... I am scheduled to go to Roseville for my first appointment Monday morning (almost 3 hours away). I was thinking that they would either give me all of the medication there, or maybe it was sent after the appointment when they got all of my results. I learned from another surrogate that they should have been sent to me right after we got our calendar!! Needless to say I panicked a little. 11 pm and I was emailing the clinic and sent them another email in the morning as well. Turns out my meds were somehow not ordered! Thank God the pharmacy is fast! They packaged and shipped them over night and they arrived this morning. When they were delivered I was pleasantly surprised at the small little box! Much less than I expected. Then I opened it.... it was like a jack in the box, there is sooo much in there! I really had an oh shit moment when I started looking at the syringes, it is real now. I am doing this. In just a few days I will be starting injections and in a month we will transfer. I am still quite nervous about the "big" shots but I don't start them for a few more weeks. It was a little scary to see the needles. Those things are BIG! I just keep telling myself that the shots are temporary and for a good cause. I know that I am imagining it to be much worse than it is actually going to be! I will update more after my appointment but today I will leave you with a shot of all of the medication I will be taking over the next month... OMG!

Moving along

     First off, I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my blog. I really appreciate all of the questions and comments I get from people. I am really excited to share my story of the surrogacy process with others. There are so many negative stories that are out there that the good ones get forgotten. I have to say though, when I looked and saw how many page views I had I wanted to throw up a little. To think that I am sharing my thoughts with so many people is a little intimidating, but the fact that people are reading this encourages me to continue. So thank you!
     If you asked someone to describe me patient would NOT be a characteristic they would assign to me. This whole process from day one had been very trying. Ok, the initial application and interview were pretty quick but after that every step has taken FOREVER!!! Now, my logical brain totally understands that everything has to be in order and every t crossed and i dotted but my emotional brain doesn't care!! I want to do this NOW! From the interview to the screening was almost 2 months, then another month for clearance. Then a week or so before profiles and over a month until a match meeting. SOOOO SLOW!! Hopefully I will learn to be more patient by the end! But we have progress. We got our legal clearance on May 3rd and we got a calendar today! No, not a calendar for decoration, a calendar that says I go for my first monitoring appointment on May 27th and then start meds. Then off to Pasadena on June 22 to transfer either June 23 or 25. Now lots of biological crap can change those dates but it is still exciting to know the time is coming!
   Knowing that I may be pregnant in less than 2 months has sparked a little panic. I have this urge to exercise A LOT, which is not really bad. My first thought when I got the calendar though was "oh, shit! I need a drink, or a lot of drinks"! Now this is funny because in the last 6 months I have had half a beer and a strawberry daiquiri. I can probably count the alcoholic drinks I have had in the last year on one hand! The last time I drank heavily was almost 4 years ago. I have no idea why that was my first concern but even I had to laugh at it! I have been trying to wean myself off of caffeine for a while now. Yesterday I realized  that I am kind of sucking at that! I had a cup of coffee 2 teas and a diet soda. I am in search of a tea with no calories, no caffeine that tastes good. I usually drink diet peach or rasberry Snapple, so any ideas would be appreciated!I could totally do without soda but there is no way I would drink nothing but water. Other than that I don't have too many unhealthy habits left!
   The next month is super busy for us as the school year winds down and I prepare for my baby to graduate 8th grade ;(. I cannot believe I am that old!! Anyway, I am hopeful that all of the events will make the waiting easier and make it feel like no time at all. It is pretty amazing to think that by this time next year our IPs will most likely be holding THEIR baby! Now there are all sorts of things that could prolong the process, but I am hopeful that everything will go smoothly.
    I will also be starting my practicum in September. I am hoping that being pregnant will not interfere with that process. I will do a total of 2 practicums. The first one is 6 months. I don't foresee there being an issue with that one at all. Therapists get pregnant all of the time. It is the second one I am a little concerned about.  It may fall to where I deliver in the middle of it! I really hope that it is still not an issue. I really plan on taking as little time as possible off. This is the part where I trust God to guide me and put me where I need to be. I am confident it will all work out.
   I am sure you are all sick of hearing it, but I am so grateful for my family. I do not know many people who would move into my home for days at a time to make sure that my kids and my dogs stay on schedule. But my mom does it when ever I need her too. This can be bad though, because I feel like she goes so far above and beyond by doing this that I don't ask her to babysit really any other time, except occasionally for school. This means no dates for the hubby and I :( Now, there are other people I could ask, I am sure, but it is so much easier when you leave your quirky kid with people who know them and their issues well. Then there is my husband. He has stood by my side and supported me through not one, but TWO college degrees, allowed me to be able to quit my job and then chose to support me through this process as well. He has had to miss work and deal with my rants when things don't go as I want them to. He listens to a ton of stuff I am sure he couldn't care less about. And he will also be the lucky one to stab a 41/2 inch needle into my ass so I better be nice to him!! I am grateful for my cohort at school. Not every surrogate has a group of therapists to talk to twice a week for free! Ok, not for free, school is expensive :) But they are great. So many different views and perspectives. I am grateful for the few friends that I have that I know I could call on if I needed anything. I don't see any of them regularly, but I know they are still there. I am also grateful for my kids and their open minds and curiosity. I am surprised at some of the questions they ask. They put a lot of thought into this process and learning bout what is going to happen to us and learning all about our IPS. And I am especially grateful for our IP's. I had no idea idea when the agency said that they try to match our personalities that they would do such an amazing job! It's like having best friends that are REALLY far away. There are seriously times that my husband has not wanted to hear about something, mostly Grey's Anatomy, ( I know, who doesn't want to hear about Grey's?) where he has told me to email my IP instead. I really didn't know what to expect. I have heard so many stories about so many different kinds of relationships with IP's  and I am grateful that the agency brought me together with ones that are perfect for us.
   This is such an amazing process with so many emotions and experiences. I am so happy that I chose to follow my hear and do this. I can't wait for the next step!

Meeting Goals

   We are still moving very slow at this point in the surrogacy. We are still negotiating contracts. It is quite obvious that I should not be a lawyer. My thought is it should very simply say "don't be a dumb shit and only do what is best for the baby". Unfortunately, that is not the case. Every topic under the sun is covered. Some very specific, some quite vague. Like exercise, "no strenuous exercise", well what is considered strenuous?? The answer I got was basically that I had to pin the Dr.s down to specifically what I can and cannot do. There are a lot of food restrictions as well, luckily non of them are things I eat anyway! I have found this to be an area where the different cultures are evident. There is a lot of mention of unpasteurized stuff, I don't even know where to get anything unpasteurized, plus it sounds pretty gross! I also found out that deli meat is quite unhealthy for pregnant women. That was not something that was known when I was pregnant the last time. It is a little scary to think of all of the potential risks that are still unknown. Luckily I am pretty cautious during pregnancy. I limit caffeine, which is MAJOR for me, plus I rarely take any medication. Including my allergy meds, I will suffer with the allergies the whole time. It does appear that my allergy shots will be ok, which help a lot.
     I have found that there were a few things that I wish someone would have told me about before this point. Not that it would have changed my mind, I just would have been prepared. There were a few sections that had me literally saying " what the hell? That's crazy!" One of those were travel restrictions. I know that late in pregnancy there are flight restrictions and I was always told that if you were going more than 2 hours you had to stop and move around. This contract says after only 24 weeks (that is 16 weeks, or 4 months to go) I cannot travel more than 50 miles from the hospital. That kind of makes me feel like I am going to be stuck in a VERY small box for almost half of the pregnancy. My favorite place in the world, the beach, is 150 miles away :( If there was some reason that I needed to go get my step kids, I could not, they are over 75 miles away, even hiking at Lassen Park is out of the question. I could barely go as far south as Red Bluff! The reality is that by the time I am 6 months it will quite likely be winter and I wouldn't go many of those places anyway but the fact that I CANNOT go makes me panic a little. There just is not a lot within 50 miles of Redding! I am asking for 100, which will give me slightly more freedom. but not enough to make it to the beach :( I am not sure why this restriction has hit me so hard. I guess it is probably that I am so active that it is difficult to think that for 4 months I will be very limited as to what I can do. It is not a deal breaker, if I have to agree to the 50 miles, I will, but it will be very disappointing. I would never do anything that is a danger to the baby, but I also like to know that I can get away if I want to!

     Ok, enough whining! On the the goal I met. I ran my first 5K! It was awesome! My mom, Kaylee and I ran (most of it anyway) and Kimberly and Dallys walked. It was called a Gnarly Neon. What that means is you come to the run in white, then throughout the course there are people who shower you with a powder dye! It was so much fun! I tried to track the run on mapmyrun but for some reason it did not save, I guess I really did not need to know the time. It was so much fun that I have already pre-registered for another color run in October, although depending on what my OB classifies as strenuous, I may only be able to walk that one. I would also like to eventually run a timed race. BUT I know that I am not the best sport, so I cannot do that until I know that I can get a decent time, so most likely that will be after the baby is born. It still is a shock to me that I run for fun. A year ago I would have totally laughed if you told me that I would voluntarily sign up to run 3 miles. Now, I am still a little disappointed in myself because I think that after running pretty regularly for 8 months I should be faster and be able to run farther without stopping. I will continue to push myself to do better until the doctors tell me to stop. I do plan on being active throughout the pregnancy though, but maybe not running! I have attacked a few pictures of our run for you to see all of the fun!

Meeting the kids..

  My IPS were kind enough to take the time to Skype with my kids. I was a little nervous that one of my kids would say something totally inappropriate, but they were well behaved! I had asked the girls to think of some questions to ask, which I previewed to make sure they were ok Kaylee gave me a few but Kimberly, on the other hand thought of things off of the top of her head, which made me really nervous. Who knows what is going to come out of a teenager's mouth! The girls had a great time chatting and learning about our IPS and where they are from. They were really surprised at how much we all have in common, and then the moment that won my girls over.... My IPs mentioned Pitch Perfect! This is one of the girls' favorite movies. I have heard the cup song over and over and over and over. It was all I could do to keep them from busting out the cups during our session. I'm sure it will happen next time! It was great for me to see my kids connect with these people who are becoming so special to our family. We have continued to get to know each other by email as well. I really appreciate this, as I hear horror stories of IPs that are never in contact with their surrogates. I just couldn't imagine a relationship like that! Our IPs sent us some videos of their neighborhood which was really neat to see. Kaylee was compelled to make some of her own so that they can see our little corner of the world!
   As far as the process moving forward, I am sure that there is a lot going on behind the scenes but for us there has not been much. We received the  retainer letter from the attorney, which we returned the next day. I like to get my part done as soon as possible. If there is going to be a hold up, I do not want to be responsible for it! It is my understanding that they are now working out all of the legal contracts. I am SOOO glad that there is someone to do this for us. I would not have the foggiest idea what I was doing. I am trying not to go crazy waiting, but I am so impatient! I have been trying to focus on my running. My 5K is in a little over a week and I do not feel ready at all! I have decided that I am not going to run it for a time, I am going for the experience of doing a 5K, and doing it with my family. It looks like there will be a lot of people there, so I will not be able to run as I do on my own. I just can't leave my kids behind if they cannot keep up!

    The past few weeks have been a real test in my faith. I have really spent a lot of time exploring what, exactly, it is that I believe. Someone mentioned in passing that if a couple is unable to have a child, am I playing God by using science to make it happen? My thought is this: What if this is a test of faith of my willingness to help others? Maybe this is a part of a plan to bring families together and show that there is still goodness and kindness in the world. The Word says that God does not keep record of our sins. If He did he would have a VERY long list! That being said, I believe that it is the purity of heart that it judged when the time comes. So, if there is sin in helping someone create a family, I will own that, but I will still do it in confidence that it is the right thing. I know that in my heart there is honesty, love and acceptance. I know that I seek guidance and prayerfully make decisions. I left my previous church because I felt their practices were too narrow minded and judgmental. It is that hypocrisy that has given Christianity a bad name. I am happy to have a home church that has a more open and accepting view, although I have not discussed the surrogacy with any of the pastors, I think it would be seen as a positive thing. I am by no means a "model" Christian, I swear too much, I want too many worldly things, I struggle with letting my husband be the leader and so many other things that could be seen as "bad". But, I also know that our God is gracious and forgiving. I don't believe that my faith is better than anyone those of other people. This is what I choose to believe and when the day comes, if I have been wrong, I at least say that I found guidance and comfort in what I believed was the ultimate plan.
     In class we talked about something called the "acorn theory". This is the notion that we all have a destiny or purpose ingrained in us. It is often referred to as a calling, something we just know we were meant to do. That is how I feel about surrogacy. I knew when Kaylee was days old that I was meant to be a mom and to have babies. Once I found out about surrogacy I knew that was the direction I was supposed to go. It was the same when I chose IPs. I thought I knew who I should carry for but it was as if there was a tiny voice in my head telling me "no, not them, go this way". I see that as God's guidance. I tried not to listen because I did not think that those notions were accurate, but it did not work out. They were not who I was supposed to be with.  When I met these IPs I felt a sense of peace and knew this was right. It has been a perfect match so far! So what did I decide about my faith? I guess that I don't know! I believe that there is a God and that He has a plan and guides us as He sees fitting. As far as the details of day to day living and issues of life? I take it as it comes and trust my heart to help me make the best decision I can. I could make myself crazy trying to over think everything and every possibility. I choose to trust that everything happens for a reason and that I am on the path I am supposed to be on.