another appointment

And the word of the day is FRUSTRATION! I did not get to start the additional medication as planned yesterday. Just a little warning, this post may be a little TMI for some, but it is the reality of what is going on and a part of the journey. That being said let me take you back about 4 1/2 years, I did not like to take birth control pills and since I was in a monogamous relationship, I was looking for another form of birth control. I had an IUD before and after I had Kaylee so I decided to go with that. AT the appointment to get it placed the doctor told me about Mirena, a, IUD that had a small dose of hormones and it was likely that I would not have periods with it! Umm yes please!! So that is what I chose and true to her word, I did not have periods. In January at my medical screening the doctor at the fertility clinic removed my IUD and put me on birth control pills. I had a 3 day period in February and nothing in March. Knowing my terrible luck, I took a pregnancy test, which of course was negative. After chatting with some other lovely surros I found out that it was pretty common to have this happen and not to be alarmed. April came and went, still no period so I contacted HRC ( the fertility clinic) to let them know, I was assured that it was no big deal and to continue on the pill as directed. Again in May, no period! At this point we were close to the start of meds so I was instructed not to start a new birth control pack until I started my period, this was 11th or so, no surprise here, I did not get a period. When I got my calendar and treatment plan getting ready for transfer I reminded the nurse that I was not on bc or having periods and was told just to let her know when I start. Last week after my monitoring appointment the nurse at HRC emailed saying that they anticipated me starting my period soon and to let her know when it happened. Guess what? It did not happen!
     So this week while at my monitoring appointment the doctor doing the ultrasound told me that I need to have a fresh lining to do the transfer and that she anticipated that HRC would give me some medication to make my get my period. The response that I got from HRC was more or less: " you cannot start the next medication regimen because your hormone level was too high, we will recheck next week, let us know  if you start your period". My concern is that they did not want to induce menstruation so that I can grow a new lining. Transfer is supposed to happen in 2 weeks! I have a feeling that if I don't have a period by next week the transfer will be canceled or delayed! Now, I am not a doctor, and no one has actually said that, but it makes sense to me that if I need a fresh lining and the one I have is holding tight I cannot transfer. Of course I go through every scenario of why my body is not cooperating, I had a couple of drinks (3) over the last two months, maybe it is from my weight loss, maybe it is from the stress of this process and school and kids, maybe I am not praying enough, maybe I am not eating well enough. I have seriously thought of EVERY possibility and everything I MUST have done wrong. Now logically I know this is not true. I have been very careful to do EXACTLY what I have been instructed to do. I know that I cannot control the timing or my body. I know that transfers get delayed all of the time but it is still upsetting. I begin to doubt myself, Maybe my IPs will decide to use another surrogate, maybe I can't be a surrogate at all and there is some bigger underlying issue that was missed through the tests I did before and then maybe I am just hormonal and it is not a big deal. Maybe I will start soon and be back on track next week. It is frustrating to think that my messed up body could ruin our chance to transfer this month. I know that I have no control in this situation and maybe that is what is frustrating. I know that I have to trust God's timing and the clinic ability to do their job well but today, I am feeling defeated by my own body. Hopefully next weeks appointment will bring better news. As for me I am looking at every natural possibility out there to get my period started. I will be eating lots of parsley and choking down papaya and mangoes in hopes that I can help things along. I cannot take herbal remedies unless the doctor gives his ok, but adding these foods should not be a problem. Well, except for the fact that I am so picky and I have never eaten a papaya and mangoes are nasty and slimey and smell like a pine tree. This better work!!
   My goal now is to try to stay positive and not get discouraged. I know that it does not help and that none of this is within my control. If we have to wait another month then I guess there is a reason for that. I really hope that things work out and we keep our schedule though. I am finding that every stage of this journey has it's challenges. I still do not doubt my decision to become a surrogate though. This is so for me. I always new I was meant to have babies and knowing that I am helping to create a family for two people  that are going to make such wonderful parents makes all of this headache worth it. Will I still cry that things aren't going like I want them to? Yes. Will I whine that I have to drive 3 hours one way for a 20 minute appointment that I could most likely have done here in Redding? Probably. Will I pout at some of the restrictions? Likely. But in the end I know in my heart that this is what I am supposed to do and that it will all be worth it in the end.