First Ob Appointment

   Finally at 15 weeks 3 days I had my first "normal" Ob appointment. The poor nurse that had to take my weight!! I think she was a little scared that I may get completely naked in the hall way. Hey, after putting on some weight while taking all of those meds there is NO WAY I am letting a number be written down that includes a jacket, boots and TWO shirts! Yep, that's right I totally stood there in leggings and a tank top! As expected all was well with me and the baby. I even got to hear the baby's heart beat for the first time! This was bitter sweet for me. I was thrilled to get the reassurance that the baby is well, but I really wish that I was able to share that with the baby's parents! Unfortunately due to my doctor's malpractice insurance limitations there is no recording allowed. So of course, this is not ok with me. I cannot imagine the parents having to wait until the ultrasound in February (when I will be 5 1/2 months pregnant) to hear their baby's heart beat for the first time! That little sound is so beautiful that every parent should hear it as soon as possible. After my appointment I spent some time looking for a at home Doppler that is sensitive enough to hear the heart at the beginning of the second trimester. Boy was I shocked! Those things can cost THOUSANDS! Needless to say, I did not get one of those! I found one at a much more reasonable price that will be here between 12/21 and 12/26.
   I also think that being able to hear the baby at home will be fun for my kids. The girls have each got to go to one of the ultrasound appointments and see the heart beating, but they have not heard it. Noah may like it too (briefly). He has suddenly realized that there is a baby in my tummy. We haven't said too much to him about it because I didn't think he would understand or care much. The other day he told me "there is a baby in your tummy". I guess it is time to bring out the Kangaroo Pouch! That is a book I bought that explains surrogacy to young children using kangaroos. Basically the little Kangaroo's mom explains that she is carrying a baby kangaroo in her pouch for a family that cannot do it on their own. I also think it will be more real to him once he actually meets the parents and really sees who the baby will go home with. Right now they are some cool people that he occasionally talks to on the computer. It is very interesting going through this process with such a wide range of ages with my own children. They each understand it in a different way.
   I am also starting to show enough that people are starting to notice. I have had a few clients ask and a few more people that are questioning if I have either put on weight or if I am pregnant. I am loving this stage of pregnancy. I feel so good. I am having some clothing struggles though. If I wear something not maternity it just squishes everything around so I just look fat. I also think that my stomach is shaped weird. Have you seen those girls that have the tiny little balls just below their bely buttons? Yep, that is NOT me! It is like the bottom bump has pulled out the top of my stomach with it. There is no sucking in and  having a flat stomach. It is amazing what age and weight fluctuation do to your body! With Kimberly I had just a tiny little bump at 5 months, with Kaylee I had a bump like this one. I showed early with her too. Here is a picture from a Christmas party. I was 14 weeks 5 days.

It is crazy how some women don't look pregnant until much later! Thank God for the Surrogate groups I have connected with! I am able to see there that while there are quite a few that have the tiny bumps there are also a lot of others who get the big bumps from the beginning! My only reassurance that I am not just getting super fat is that I can still put on all of my pre-pregnancy clothes. So far it is all in my boobs and belly. I bought some great pregnancy workout videos, but it seems that I never have time to do them!! I am so excited that January is my last on site class. Maybe then I can do something! My days are seriously packed! I leave my house at 7 am and two days  a week I am not home until almost 11 pm. Then we have added an additional class for supervision so I am gone until after 8pm a third day! And of course with it being the holidays it seems as though the kids have something going every other day! When I do get a day off I am usually so tired that I just want to do NOTHING or it is filled with homework and case notes. Now, I am not complaining. I like to be busy. I am just missing the time I had to work out when I just went to school. I miss running on the river trail with my dog. I would so love to even be able to walk her on the trail a few days a week. It is pretty hard to find time to do that when I leave and return in the dark! But there is light at the end of the tunnel! While I will still have some on line classes I think that I will at least be able to fit in an evening walk. Not on my beloved river trail, but a chance to do something active again!

Next appointment is January 21st, hopefully there is more good news!

End of the first trimester

I believe that I am just 2 days away from the beginning of the second trimester! It is reassuring that the risk of miscarriage is much less and exciting that I will soon start to feel the baby move, that is my favorite part of pregnancy! I am feeling really good these days. Aside from a sensitive gag reflex, I am not sick at all and the extreme exhaustion is gone. Don't get me wrong, I still get tired, but not like I did! I think my body has remembered how to stretch out for a pregnancy though, I had a client ask if I was pregnant the other day. It seems between 11 and 12 weeks my uterus got big enough that the top of my stomach could no longer stay flat resulting in the beginning of a bump appearing. It is a bitter sweet moment. I am struggling with what to wear on a daily basis. I tried rubber banding my pants together when they got uncomfortable to button but the zipper still rubbed and drove me nuts. I have resorted to some maternity pants, leggings and workout pants. I was reluctant to get anything maternity, I'm not sure why, I just was not ready to move into "those" clothes BUT Thanksgiving made the idea of a stretchy waist very appealing! I do have to admit that they are much more comfy and cute than they were 10 years ago. If I wasn't working though I would totally just live in workout pants.
  It is always fun when people ask about my pregnancy if they do not know the story. The first question is usually " wow, don't you and your husband already have a bunch of kids?" To which I get the opportunity to explain that this one is not ours. Ok, I have to admit that I have had some fun with my daughters friends by telling them that its not my husbands and waiting a minute to tell them it's not mine either!! I really have not had any negative reactions to being a surrogate at this point. I am a little surprised at that, I really thought that someone would have something negative to say. My guess is that those that do not support our decision to help grow a family are choosing not to say anything!
   My next ob appointment is on 12/19 which will hopefully be the first time I get to actually hear the baby's heart beat. I am hoping that I can convince my doctor to let me record it so the parents can hear it too. I was originally told that because of malpractice issues I could not record anything, but I'm still going to ask! Really, how much harm could a 15 second recording of the heart beat cause?
  Speaking of growing families, and totally not surrogacy related, George and I are FINALLY Noah's legal parents! November 20th our adoption was finalized! It was a great day. The actual court hearing was really short but we had a nice dinner and we had a good sized group of family there to support us. We also had a photographer there to capture the moment. She got some wonderful pictures!
   Today I will leave you with a picture of my growing belly! I am still in the awkward "is she pregnant or gaining weight" stage but it is starting to look more like a pregnant belly!

10 week ultrasound

Well, I have learned that the farther along in the pregnancy I am the more difficult it is to stay up to date on my blog! We are just days away from reaching 12 weeks and the end of the first trimester which means that the risk of miscarriage goes down greatly. It also means that it has been almost 2 weeks since my last appointment!
  Everything is going good and I am still feeling well for the most part. There are days I am nauseous or things that make me gag but it's NOTHING like it was! I am starting to expand, which is both exciting and scary. Having been so heavy in the past, it is hard to feel my pants getting tight again BUT I know that it is baby this time and not just fat! I am entering into the awkward stage where people are questioning if I am gaining weight or pregnant. The strangest thing that I am finding is that as my uterus expands, so does my muffin top. I am not gaining any weight (aside from the 15 I gained when I started meds) but it doesn't stay in like it used to! Here is a picture of the ever so tiny baby bump making an appearance.

So to the fun stuff... the baby! At the ultrasound everything looked great. Kimberly was with me for this one so she got to see the baby moving all around. It has been really cool to share this experience with my girls and my doctor is so good at explaining things to them. The baby is growing well and at 10 weeks 3 days it was measuring 11 weeks 1 day. My first question was if that was any indication that the baby would be large (mine were over 8 and 9 pounds), I was assured that it meant nothing other than it was healthy and growing well! I now have to wait until December 19 for another appointment which will just be a basic check up BUT I may get to hear the hear beat at this one. Up to now I just get to see it on the ultrasound. Then the big anatomy scan ultrasound is scheduled for February 4th. Super exciting because our IPs will be coming here to be there for the appointment. They will also get to meet my family in person for the first time (haha, they can't change their minds now when they see how nuts we are! :)  ) 

   After the ultrasound I had to get some blood work. Usually I have to get 2 vials, no big deal. THIS time I also had to have blood taken for some screenings AND my prenatal panel for my doctor. They took 7 vials of blood! Poor Kimberly hates needles so she so graciously held my purse in the waiting room! It really was not that bad but I hate to see all of that blood leave my body! Good things came from at least 2 vials though, I got to stop all of my hormone meds and baby aspirin. What a relief!! Now I am down to an allergy pill, DHA, folate and 3 vitamins a day. Yes 6 pills is a relief!

   Now for the next few weeks my goal is to focus on eating well and trying to fit exercise back into my routine. While I obviously expect some weight gain, it does not have to be a lot. The past few months of extra hormones and busy schedules have shown me that it is easy to go back to old habits and that the effects of those habits are still the same!

I will leave you with the latest French Fry picture! As you can see it is looking more human!

 

8 week ultrasound

   This is going to be a short blog, mostly because I have taken so long to write it that it will be time for another in just a few days! On 10/31 I had the 8 week ultrasound. The baby is developing on schedule and everything looks good! It is starting to look more and more human, although my mom and Kaylee think it really resembles a peanut! Here is a picture of French Fry at 8 weeks!

My labs were good this time too, I got to reduce most of my medications!! That was a big relief. After a while it gets really hard to take so much medication every day! I am hoping that after this weeks appointment I will be able to start taking even less!

 

I have actually been feeling pretty good. I rarely throw up, but have a very sensitive gag reflex. My family all think that it is HILARIOUS to try and make mom gag or throw up. Most effective is dog eye boogers and farts. Yeah, leave it to my kids to get me gagging and LAUGH! Poor George, normally I don't have any problem taking care of my dog BUT this baby doesn't like dog poop. My poor girl pooped and as soon as I saw it the gagging started! George came to the rescue to pick it up for me!

The only other complaint that I would have is that I am TIRED!!! I remember feeling tired before but not like this! Most of it is probably the craziness of my life but this is crazy. If I don't get a nap, and I have been too busy to nap lately, I am exhausted by the time I hit my pillow. Hopefully that will get better in a few  weeks when the first trimester is over!



Well, that's it for now! I have my 10 week monitoring appointment on Thursday so hopefully there is more good news!

The first ultrasound

One would assume that a positive blood test would mean I was pregnant, end of story. Not so much when you are a surrogate. That test must be repeated to ensure that the hCG levels are rising, which is indicative of a viable pregnancy. SO... my first level on 10/7 was 959, wry much pregnant since a level of 25 is the minimum to be considered pregnant. The doctors want to see that number double by the next draw. On 10\7 my level was at 4,551 and on 10/10 it was 9,059, hormones are needless to say, rising nicely. Now the not so good part. Because this is a surrogate pregnancy the doctors are extremely cautious about everything. Did any one with a normal pregnancy every hear a word about estrogen or progestrogen levels? Me either! This time it is something they watch. My first draw everything was great, but the second time my progesterone dipped to 23.3 and they want it above 25. Now I consulted Google and found that my level is still "normal" for a pregnancy, just not where HRC likes it so I had to increase my progesterone injections to 1.5cc daily. No big deal, right? WRONG! See I had some mild nausea by this point, after the increase that turned to daily vomiting. And the knots from the injections got bigger, so big that it was uncomfortable to wear jeans! I tried everything I could think of to get them to go away. TONS of heat, George massaging them like crazy and Tylenol. I finally broke down and asked my nurse for help. Now that the pregnancy is confirmed (I'll get to that later) I can switch to an oral progesterone lozenge! Such a relief. Well, except for the fact that they are the consistency of slightly hardened jello with a wax coating. They also taste horrid, something like a crayon dipped in grape cough syrup. BUT choking that down for 4 more weeks is way better than the knots from the shots!! Now, I am not shot free, I will still do estrogen injections every 3 days, but they are nothing! Aside from the last week and a half that was rough, I feel good. I have not vomited in 3 days and can wear pants again! I am tired though, as to be expected. I schedule in my daily naps! My family has been a huge help. George is picking up my slack and massaging knots like crazy! The girls are helping out as much as possible too. One morning they even got Noah dressed, fed and in the car for me so we could get out the door on time!
   Now the fun part! We had our first ultrasound on 10/18. It was so cool! Kaylee (my 10 year old) got to go with me. The doctor was great at explaining to us both what we were looking at and the most exciting part.... We got to see the tiny little heart beat! Fetal development is so amazing! I am 6 weeks pregnant and the baby is the size of a lentil, but we could see that little heart beating away! Everything looked good and the doctor confirmed that there is only one baby, so good news all around. We will have another ultrasound on 10/31 to check development.
  Another fun fact..... with my last pregnancy my niece Dallys would say that I was not having a baby, it was a squid. So after the first transfer she decided that this pregnancy was a snail, or escargot. Just the idea seemed gross! At the ultrasound Kaylee thought that the baby looked like a little potato so our official nick name for this little one is French Fry! Nick names are something that everyone on my mothers side of the family have. My grandfather, who passed away 15 years ago, used to give everyone their names. After his passing the names stopped, except for my kids and the names Dallys gave them, so this little nick name is our family's contribution to the baking of this baby!
  So I leave you with French Fry's first photo! It is a bit blurry because it took quite a bit of zooming to get it big enough to see, but you get the idea. The arrow is pointing at it's little heart! It is so amazing to finally be on the way to helping my IPs have their family! I love hearing how excited they are and how they are already preparing for the baby! This little French Fry will be so loved!!

The results are in...

   The moment we have all been waiting for, the official test results! A hcG level of at least 25 is needed to be considered pregnant. My hcG level was 959, so we are PREGNANT! Of course it is still quite early and I will have to go back for more blood tests on Monday and again on Thursday to make sure that those hormone levels keep rising indicating a healthy pregnancy. The next big step is October 17th, this is the "pregnancy confirmation" ultrasound where we will hopefully get to hear the heart beat for the first time!
   Now as I mentioned before I did take a home pregnancy test 4 days after the transfer and got a VERY faint positive. I had mixed feelings about that. Last time I got a similar faint positive, but not until 7 days after the transfer. So of course, I had to continue to test daily to make sure that the line kept getting stronger..... AND IT DID! At 5 days I thought I would try a digital test, it came back saying that I was pregnant!

   Now to the fun part, how have I been feeling? Pretty good. I am pretty tired, since I am doing my practicum 3-4 days a week, going to school 3 nights a week and taking care of my kids and now pregnant, being tired is not a surprise. As expected my boobs are super sore, and I have had a few headaches. I also have my pregnancy "super nose" where I smell everything and most of it is gross! I have started in the last few days getting some morning sickness. Now I am not running to puke all of the time, but there is a daily debate of if I take my medicines on an empty stomach I will feel like I am going to puke BUT if I eat I will also be nauseated. I got some protein shakes in hopes that they will be easier to stomach. It is pretty consistent that if I eat any sort of big meal, or anything with too strong of flavoring, no matter what time of day I will be feeling it. I am also getting some pretty big knots from all of the injections. After every shot I apply heat and massage the injection site for a few minutes but every couple of days I have to have George REALLY rub it HARD. This hurts a bit but it seems to help loosen up the knots. None of the symptoms are too bad or so disturbing that I am not able to go on with my day to day activities, I am just a little slower!
   I am excited that we are finally pregnant and my IPs are on their way to becoming parents. I am hopeful that the high hormone levels are going to be a good sign that we will remain pregnant and that there will be no more complications. This is such an amazing journey and I have been very blessed with so much support from friends, family and my IPs. My mom, kids and husband have been so much help. They are really trying to pick up the slack and help with the things that I am unable to do right now. The dr told me to take things easy and not to pick up anything! That is harder than it sounds, probably one of the hardest restriction (besides the pelvic rest). Someone else has to lift Noah into his car seat and he really doesn't get why mommy can't pick him up. There are tons of daily things that require lifting too. Like carrying in groceries or taking laundry baskets to and from the washer. Little things that I never considered, but I am figuring it out. My family has had to do some adjusting with their dinners too! I am gone 3 nights a week and I am tired so they have had easy meals! I'm thinking tonight is grilled cheese!

Transfer #2

Friday morning we dropped all of the kids off at school then started our trip south. We stopped in Red Bluff for coffee and then walked through Ide Adobe State Park. That is a tiny little historical park in Red Bluff. Then we stopped at a few little shops along the way before having lunch in Sacramento and hitting the Spirit store! It was a nice relaxing trip since we had plenty of time to get there before our flight. The flight was on time and uneventful :) We flew into the Bob Hope Airport in Burbank, it is much smaller than LAX and much closer to the hotel! After checking in we went to dinner at a cute little Mexican restaurant and they took our pictures! They give you a complimentary post card and since it has been forever since George and I had pics done, we bought more!

 

Yes, that is my last margarita in the background and it was YUMMY!

 



 

After dinner we walked around a bit and then headed back to the hotel. The beds are awesome at the hotel and I was sleeping really good (rare for me) when at 1:30 am we were woke up by the loudest group of drunks ever! It turns out that there was a Latin wedding earlier in the day and they REALLY party afterwards! It wasn't a big deal though because the morning of the transfer I actually got to SLEEP IN! It was so nice! We left the hotel a little after 10 and were at the clinic by 10:30. The doctor had been in Texas and we literally saw him running in the door a few minutes prior to our appointment!

 

Here is the infamous waiting pic

 

 

 

 

Same thing as last time, it was very quick and easy, although I don't think the doctor appreciated my jokes about how cold the speculum was! That's ok, George and I thought it was funny! Here is a pic of the actual transfer. If you look REALLY closely in the center of the picture there is a tiny white dot. That is the embryo in my uterus!

 

 

After the procedure I had to hang out on the table for almost an hour. That was so boring!! Then back to the hotel for bed rest!. Earlier that morning George thought he would watch TV while I was in the shower, turns out our tv was possessed! The volume would go up to the max on its own and then it would turn itself on. We let the hotel desk know when we left but of course it was not fixed by the time we got beck so George unplugged it and then plugged it in again and it worked fine! I mostly read the new Nicholas Sparks book though. It was really good!

  The next day I stayed in bed until it was time to go home. We had an hour delay on the way home but the flight was smooth and easy.

 

Now we are a week into the two week wait, my official pregnancy test is October 3. Of course I really debated doing home pregnancy test, but if you know me at all, you know that I HATE surprises and have no will power when it comes to that stuff! So I tested this morning but I won't be sharing the results until the official blood test!!





Final monitoring appointment

   Shortly after I wrote my last blog I got an email that my ultrasound results were NOT great. They thought that my lining was thickening too slowly. To help things along I was instructed to increase the hormones! I went from taking two tablets a day to four and from injecting .1 cc every three days to injecting .2cc EVERY day! BUT it worked! At my last appointment my lining was at a nice fluffy 9 with 11 days before transfer. So it is a go! 9/21 we will try again to make my IPs parents!
  Another strange thing that I have had happen twice this time and never before, it seems I have hit a vein when doing my injections! How do I know this? Well I turned to put the syringe into the sharps container and felt something running down my leg, what do I see? Blood shooting out of the injection site all over me and the floor! It didn't hurt or anything, just bleeding all over. So gross! It stopped with a little pressure and was no big deal, just a surprise to see blood literally shooting out of my body!
   Transfer plans are that we will fly out Friday afternoon, transfer Saturday and come home Sunday. I am a little nervous about the flight though. We have had so much smoke in the air that I have had a sinus headache for days. I am working on clearing it up with my secret potion.... Apple Cider vinegar. It tastes horrid but it thins the mucus so that hopefully I am not in pain this flight.
   That's all for now, I'll update again after transfer.

Monitoring

   Today I had monitoring appointment #2 of 3. I am pretty sure that everything is going well. My uterine lining is thickening up as expected and everything on the ultrasound looked good. Last week I started on many of the medications again. Currently I am taking 3 prenatal vitamins, 2 estridol tablets, DHA, folate, baby aspirin and a shot of Delestrogen every 3 days. I am feeling well and the shots are totally painless. We are only 18 days away from transfer.  This is still an emotional roller coaster. I am excited and thinking positive that this WILL work this time, but the doubt that it may not still looms. I know that it is out of my control, that is probably what is so scary about it! I am dedicated to this though, and I will try however many times it takes us to get pregnant. I have struggled to even blog about the process this time. It seems like there is not much new to share as the process is the exact same as last time. It is much nicer to go through the process with my OB, partially because there is not much of a drive, but mostly because I will be able to have the same person through it all. He has done the monitoring, he will monitor the pregnancy and then he will, hopefully, be there for the delivery. It is very reassuring that I will not have to explain the situation over and over to different doctors. As much as I like sharing the experience of this journey, it gets tiring to repeat things to every professional I come in contact with. I have learned that there are not a lot of people in this community that know much about surrogacy.
   I am asked a lot of questions when people find out I am a surrogate, the first one is almost always "how are you going to give the baby up" to which I get to explain the process of how it is not mine and that there is no genetic connection. The next question is usually about my mental stability when I share that my goal is to TRY to deliver without an epidural! There are a lot of questions about the medical process and the shots. It is really hard for others to fathom that it really is not hard to give myself shots or to have my husband do it. Then there is always the BIG question: How will I handle being pregnant, caring for 3 kids, going to classes, attending a practicum site, being a wife and taking care of my house? Well, just like I do everything else, one day at a time and with very careful scheduling! I am VERY dependent on my planner. Everything has to be written down or there is no way I will remember it! From there things just work out. I am trying to accept that I cannot do everything and be everywhere. I will have to miss some of Kimberly's swim meets, I cannot volunteer in Noah's class as much as I would like but I do as much as I can! I have also learned to ask for help. When I look at my calendar I am SO glad that I will not have to throw the care of a newborn into the mix! I am happy to answer the questions that people have. I wish that there was more publicity on the positive surrogacy stories. There are so many stories out there of when things go wrong, but there are also many untold stories of happy journeys and families that would not be without surrogacy. My ultimate goal would be that I could encourage at least one other woman to help someone else have a family. I have had a few inquiries but no one actually start the process. Even though we are early in the journey, it has changed my life, my children's life and my families beliefs. That on it's own in a huge accomplishment!

 

    

Moving on

   The past few weeks have been very hectic both surrogacy related and non surrogacy related. I FINALLY bought the camp trailer that I have been looking for! We are super excited to try it out Labor Day weekend, but we may make a night trip a little sooner if we can.  All three of my children started school this week (at different schools) so we are trying to figure out a workable schedule. I now have one in high school, one in 5th grade and a preschooler. I am really struggling to let go of the teacher in me and just be mom when it come to my preschooler!
   Surrogacy related.... well we are moving forward and trying again. It has been arranged that I will be able to do all of my monitoring appointments with my ob, which is a HUGE relief. I have my first appointment on August 27th, and we are shooting for transfer on 9/21, just a month away! It feels very different this time. I know what to expect so in that aspect it is easier. I am not worried about the shots anymore, by the end I was giving them both myself. However, I am not looking forward to the knots that will form once I start progesterone again. The day after I started those shots I kept looking to see if my hips had giant bruises because that is what it feels like, but if anything there was just a tiny bruise at the injection site. That is a daily shot and some days I felt less tenderness than others. I tried to apply heat and rub the area as much as possible after the injection and that definitely helped. Emotionally I have a wide range of feelings. I am excited to try again and hopeful that we will have a better outcome this time. But I am also leery of having too much hope and worried about all of the what if's around the possibility that this transfer could also not result in a pregnancy. I am also not sure if I will do home pregnancy tests after this transfer, I think it would have been easier to accept the negative last time if I had never seen the positive results. The clinic was very accommodating and was able to set up our transfer for a weekend so that it is not complete craziness for us to travel to Pasadena. It is a lot to ask of someone to help us get the kids to and from school for more than one day ( I drive them all, both ways), plus someone has to keep them all weekend and take care of my dogs. Usually I just have someone stay at our house while we are gone so the kids and dogs are pretty much on their usual routine. I am really trying to be positive and hopeful that this time it will work and that in June my IPs will be meeting their baby! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers over the next few weeks as we take the next steps in our journey!

The Tests

The past two weeks have been quite difficult. I had no idea the amount of pressure I would feel waiting to see if our transfer had been successful or not. I took my first home pregnancy test 4 days after the transfer, it was negative. I was not worried though since it was so early. I continued to test and get big fat negatives (BFN). Sunday we went to church and Kaylee put her hands on my tummy and prayed for the tests to be positive. Monday morning 7 days past a  day transfer (7dp5dt) I got the faintest of positives!! I was so excited, this was what we had been waiting for! I wanted to wait a day or two to tell my IPs though, just to be sure. The next day the line was even darker! I sent them a picture of the tests. Here is a picture of the some of the daily tests...

The bottom unmarked test is also 10dp5dt. What we were hoping to see is the test line get darker.... It did not. At 11dp5dt the tests were no longer showing positive. I was pretty upset so I quit testing. Monday morning was my beta (pregnancy test), getting that done was hell. I thought it would be a quick in and out thing so I took Kaylee and Noah and went to my normal lab, Quest, only to find out that they could not do the tests and have the results STAT. Neither could Labcorp. Quest sent me to Mercy hospital. Mercy will no longer draw for anyone that is not admitted or an employee! I figured I would try to call HRC and see if they could send me a new order to only have the pregnancy test STAT ant the other 2 ASAP, but there was not a nurse available to talk to and no one ever called me back! I thought I would try the Quest in Redding to see if they could get quicker results than Anderson. There I was told that they could do the draw but only 2 of the 3 tests I needed could be returned the same day and that they would be sending the blood to Shasta Regional Medical center to be processed so it would be faster for me to go there to do the draw. So I loaded up my kids and headed there, 3 and a half hours after I went to the first lab. At this point the kids are tired and hungry and cranky, I am cranky and stressed because I know I need the draw ASAP in order to get the results the same day. I had to go through the admitting process which was crazy. They were really confused by the fact that the lab work was to be billed to another agency and not to my personal insurance! It took us another half hour to get all of the paperwork done and another hour waiting for the draw. SO, it took me 5 hours with a 10 year old and a 3 year old to get ONE blood draw! The most frustrating part was that I knew that it was all so they could give me a BFN. Then while I had not cell service I misses a call from the nurse at HRC wanting to know why I had not gone to my monitoring clinic for the blood work!! Ummm, it would be ridiculous to drive 3 hours one way for a blood draw, and they would have known I was having trouble getting drawn if someone would have bothered to call me back! I finally talked to the nurse and gave her all of the information so she could get the results. And sure enough as I got to class I got the email telling me that the pregnancy test was negative and I was to stop meds immediately and notify their office on the first day of my period so we can prepare to start again.

So what happened? After much research I believe that I had a chemical pregnancy, which is basically a miscarriage that happens before 5 weeks of pregnancy. There are numerous causes and they are quite common. Research suggest that as many as 70% of conceptions end in a chemical pregnancy, and most of the time the women never knows she is pregnant. But in this case you have an obsessive woman (me) who knew that there was a good looking embryo put into perfect conditions for implantation. My first clue that something was wrong was that I only got positive tests on First Response Early Results pregnancy test. Those are the most sensitive and most accurate. In the end I think I must have taken close to 30 tests waiting for the results to be stronger.

What was my reaction? Initially, as I am a simple person, it was " well shit". Over the past few days I have had so many emotions. I have been very disappointed. I was so looking forward to being pregnant and watching my IPs become parents. I was sad for the loss. I was mad at myself for whatever reason. While logically I KNOW that there is no way I caused this. I obsessively take all of my medication exactly as directed, I did not exercise at all, I didn't lift anything heavy, not even my son. I tried to take it as easy as I could. But there was still a part of me that thought just maybe, I did something wrong, maybe I am too old to be trying to get pregnant, maybe it has been too long since I had kids and my baby maker is shut down. Realistically I know none of that is true. I have undergone so many tests to make sure that my body is healthy and ready for a pregnancy. I just have to accept this as part of the process. I also had a moment of despair at the fact that all of the meds I took, all of the shots I have done, and the big painful knots from the shots were all for nothing! I really fought the urge to just sit and feel sorry for myself and for my IPs. Very few people actually understand this situation. Some of the people I am close to cannot understand, or do not take into consideration that it is upsetting to know that I went to bed pregnant and woke up not pregnant. I am so grateful to be connected to a couple groups of surrogates that are so supportive and really understand what we are going through. I had a brief panic about how I am going to fit in 3 trips back to Sacramento for monitoring and another trip to Pasadena for another transfer with the kids starting school. I drive them to and from school. My niece will be in school an can't babysit! I am starting my practicum and will have to dedicate 2 days a week to that. HOW will I do it all? I have no idea how I will do it, but I WILL do it! I always figure something out.

  Today, I am still sad but I am feeling more optimistic about trying again. I will without a doubt work towards trying again as soon as we can. I still believe so strongly that this is God's plan for me and what I need to do. You see that Sunday when we were in church God was preparing me for this. The message was on continuing to follow God's plan even when there are bumps in the road. This journey has had a lot of bumps from day one. I believe that it is a test of my dedication and obedience. I had to accept that it is ok to feel bad, the situation sucks, but at the same time I am stronger now. I feel more driven to see this journey to the end. I also have seen that my IPs can be counted on to be supportive through the good and bad. Even though I know this has been hard on them as well, they took the time to check in on me and assure me that they still love me and I know that they don't blame me for the loss. THAT is why I will find a way to make the schedule work, that is why I will take tons of medications and give myself shots again. Because my IPs deserve to get to look into their child's eyes and feel that love, just like I get to every day!

Transfer

Last Saturday, the day before we left to go to Pasadena for the transfer, I decided I needed one last day of thrilling excitement so we took the kids to Six Flags Marine world! We had a blast! We didn't see any of the animal shows though because we were riding rides all day long! By far Super Man was the scariest! Everyone loved it! Even Noah made it through the day without melting down even having no nap! We left Vallejo when the park closed at 9, putting us home around 11 pm. Which wouldn't be too bad except that we had to leave by 7:30 Sunday morning to catch our plane to LA! George had to pack and give me a shot, I still had to make sure that everything was in order for Dallys, who was staying with Noah and the dogs while we were gone! It was a late night!
   Once we got to Pasadena we went straight to the hotel. We stayed at the Westin, it was nice, and the bed was really comfortable! Then we walked around Pasadena, there are some beautiful buildings there! One church looked like a castle, it was beautiful! We ate lost of good food too!!
   Monday morning I woke up at 4:30 because I had a terrible nightmare that the shuttle driver got lost and we missed our appointment! Totally irrational since many of the surrogates stay there and we were less than a mile from the clinic! I eventually got back to sleep. When we woke up I was super excited and nervous! What if it didn't work? What if it did? My biggest fear though was really peeing on the table! I was told to bring 1 liter of water and drink it between signing in and the transfer. Then after the transfer I would have to lay on the table for about an hour! That is a lot of water and a long wait for someone with a squirrel bladder!
   We made it to HRC without a problem and I signed in and started on the giant water bottle! Within 10 minutes, if that, we were taken back into the transfer room and I was told to undress and get on the table and that the doctor would be in to talk to us soon. The room was freezing, but I at least had a blanket to cover up with instead of the tiny paper covers mast doctors used. I had barely finished my water when the doctor came in did a quick ultrasound and said he could see everything well enough to do the transfer with out my bladder being painfully full. Then he inserted the catheter into my uterus and called for the embryo to be brought in. Here is me waiting on the table!

 Then another guy brought the embryo in to the room in a little syringe. Dr Kolb inserted the syringe into the end of the catheter and pushed the little embryo in to my uterus. It was pretty cool to watch, it was just a tiny white speck that we saw come out of the end of the tube and stop at the top of my uterus. Then the other doctor took the tube back to the lab to make sure that the embryo was really out. After the call that the transfer was successful the doctor left. This is the embryo

The whole procedure probably took less than 3 minutes. Then I laid on the table for about 15 minutes when a nurse came in and went over all of my medication instructions and new restrictions. Then I was allowed to go to the bathroom and then lay back down for another 30 minutes. After that we were all done. Time to call the hotel shuttle and let my bed rest begin! This is me waiting for the shuttle! Do I look pregnant? Yeah, you all better say no!

   I have to admit that I was excited about mandatory bed rest. As a mom, no one ever says "lay in bed all day except to pee and shower". So I watched some TV and studied for a test while George walked to Rubios to get us lunch. ( it's a super yummy Mexican food place) Then I did a little more homework and watched some more TV. By 2:00 I was bored out of my mind! It was the longest day ever! I watched so much TV that we were seeing repeat episodes. George did a great job of making sure that I stayed in bed and had everything that I needed or wanted.

    I was so happy when Tuesday came and I could get out of bed! Our IPs were coming to see us in the afternoon so we decided to take a walk. There was the cutest little shopping center and I even found a place to get one of the best pedicures that I have ever gotten! Then we had lunch at Rubios again and went back to the hotel for a nap! Our IPs got there around 4 in the afternoon and we had a great time walking around the town chatting and taking in the sites. After they left we went back to the hotel for a bit then went out for ice cream!! We ate so much on this trip that I was really surprised that I did not gain any weight!

   George had woken up Tuesday not feeling well, so Wednesday I let him sleep while I packed up and got ready to leave. After he got up and got ready we left our hotel to go to our IPS hotel in West Hollywood to have lunch with them. That is where the highlight of George's trip happened. He saw Mike Tyson at the hotel. He was like a kid in a candy shop, I seriously thought George might jump up and follow him, but he didn't, he just told me who it was practically jumping up and down! We met up with our IPs and walked to this great little bookstore. It was so cute, just a tiny little shop with floor to ceiling books! I could have spent hours in there! After that we went to this cute little diner for lunch and then it was off to the airport.

   The travel was definitely the worst part of the trip. I really hate cabs! By some miracle I could smell on this trip, cabs just smell dirty! Then their driving is atrocious! I finally had to just close my eyes and pray we made it there safe. I am so not made for big cities!! Then there is the whole flying part. While I have gotten over the panic of actually flying, and I am getting less scared of being over the water for brief amounts of time, I am still extremely anxious about the descents. Not because I think we will crash but because about every other flight when we start to descend my messed up sinuses decide not to regulate with the change in pressure causing me to experience the most excruciating pain ever! I can't even describe the what it feels like. This time was not exception, I went from peacefully reading my book to doubled over feeling like my head would literally explode. The pain really only lasts 5-10 minutes but it seems like forever. When I had sinus surgery in 2011, the doctor thought that I would not have this issue any more, he was wrong! I don't have it when we drive home from the mountains, but flying still gets me. I was hopeful that both flights would be pain free since I could smell and felt pretty uncongested. I am just grateful that I was only on one flight and not both!

   Overall we had a great trip and I am hopeful that we will have a positive pregnancy test on August 5th! So I'm sure you are wondering if I have taken any home pregnancy tests.... yes I have. BUT I am not going to share the results yet! That will be the next update, probably after I get the BETA (pregnancy test) results!



 

                                                                                                                                                                          

It's time!

   My appointment Tuesday revealed that my lining looks great and that we are good to go ahead and transfer!! AND because of travel conflicts with my IPs we moved it up to Monday! I started a new medication regimen as well. I now start my day off with 3 prenatal vitamins, 2 estrogen pills, baby aspirin, DHA, and Foliate as well as a steroid and a vaginal suppository of progesterone 3xs a day. Then in the evening it's 2 more estrogen pills and a nice big shot of progesterone in oil, and every third day I continue with the estrogen injections! Whew! I am a walking, hormonal, drug cabinet! I have attached the video of last nights shots, lucky me we started out the PIO injections on an estrogen night so I got two shots! You will notice that I jump a little with the PIO, it hurt a little bit! That shot is a daily one, so I am hoping that it was just the spot we used and that it will be a piece of cake every other night. A little brag for me though, George was out of town on Monday and I had to do my own shot. It was pretty easy except for the awkward angle I had to use to hit the right spot. I never in a million years would have thought that I would be able to give myself shots!
   Today as I was lazily laying in bed I was hit with the realization that this could be the last time I relax in my bed NOT PREGNANT! Tomorrow we get up early to take the kids to 6 Flags and Sunday we are up early to go to Pasadena to get ready for the transfer! We will be there until Wednesday evening. I am a little nervous about leaving my kids (and my dog) for that long, but I know they will be in good hands. I am really excited that we will be able to spend some time in person with our IPs! It is so flattering to know that they are traveling so far just to spend time with me. It will also be nice to spend some kid free time with my husband.
   We will be staying at the Westin, which means nothing to me, but the pictures look super nice. Really, I am so simple I would much rather stay at a Holiday Inn Express ( I am addicted to their biscuits and gravy)! It seems like a waste to put us in such a fancy hotel. The last one was really nice and we were only there a few hours. This time we will get lots of use of the room since I will be on bed rest after the transfer. What am I going to do while stuck in bed for days?? Well, I plan on sleeping without a kid or dog waking me up and studying for my mid term and preparing a presentation! I know, lots of fun, but I have to take advantage of the quiet time while I have it. I guess I should research close by things for my husband to do!
   Praying friends please say a prayer for safe travel and a successful transfer as well as for the safety of my kids and dog while we are gone! 8 months of preparation, planning and anticipation has gone into this day, while I know there is a possibility that the transfer will fail, I am staying positive and planning on the baby getting nice and comfy in my uterus!

Our camera person is my 10 year old!

count down

     My appointment on Tuesday went well, according to the doctors everything is progressing nicely. As a reward for my uterus being so awesome I got to add another pill to the regimen and increase the dosage of my shots! The shots are still painless BUT next week I will have to do my first one al by myself! I am not really noticing any side effects from any of the medication other than a little breast tenderness and I am pretty tired. The tiredness could be from my crazy schedule and my husbands dogs need to wake up at the crack of dawn! If everything looks good next Tuesday I will start an additional injection, another oral medication and vaginal suppositories all in preparation for our transfer the following week! That's right, less than 2 weeks away! I am so excited to get this part done with! I also got the great news that at least one of my IPs will be there, which I wasn't expecting. I can't wait, we have not seen each other in person since our match meeting in March! I think is will be so neat for them to be able to watch THEIR little embryo actually be transferred into my uterus. Yeah, it sound weird but in a cool way! Science it pretty fascinating!

   To prepare for my pregnancy we are getting some fun stuff out of the way! After my last monitoring appointment on Tuesday I am taking my 3 kids and my niece Dallys to the Jelly Belly Factory. Please pray that I do not have a nervous breakdown driving strange roads in a strange city with 4 kids and that I do not get lost! My silly GPS is so hit and miss that I have been getting lost quite a bit these days!! THEN on Saturday we are taking the kids and Dallys to 6 Flags Marine World. I have not been there since I was little (and there were not rides) and it is our trade off for not going to the nasty local fair. Dallys lucks out because she is my babysitter so she gets to go all over with me! Then Monday it is off to Pasadena to get knocked up! The next 2 weeks are going to fly by! Now if I could just get someone to do my homework for me!! I can do it! I will get everything done because I am super mom! My husband and family are SOOO much help, but there is still a lot of stuff I have to do myself and things that I am to obsessive about to let anyone else do!

   So some have been asking about what actually happens at and after the transfer. My husband and I will fly to LA on Monday (after I take a test of course!) leaving the girls with their dad and Noah with Dallys and my mom. (thank God for having a teenage niece!) We will hopefully get there early enough to relax, not 2 am like our first trip! Then off to the clinic early the next morning. Immediately after the procedure I have to hang out on the table for about an hour letting the little embie settle in and get comfortable! After that we head back to the hotel where I am on bed rest (except to shower and pee) for the rest of the day and part of the next. Then we fly home. After that I am supposed to take it easy and not lift stuff or do any strenuous exercise until the BETA which is 12 to 14 days after the transfer. That is the blood test that will determine if I am actually pregnant or not.  Now as many of you know about me, I HATE surprises. I am totally the kid that peeked at Christmas presents and gives gift early because I cannot stand the suspense! So there is no way in hell I will be waiting 12-14 days to find out if we are pregnant. I have already bought a convenient pack of 25 pregnancy tests (just to be sure!). I hear that surros get positive results anywhere from 4- 10 days after the transfer soooo my plan is to start testing at day 7. Knowing me that really means day 4 though. After the first BETA there will be 1-2 more tests to make sure that the pregnancy hormone numbers keep increasing. If that all looks good, at 6 weeks we have our first ultrasound to confirm pregnancy and hear a heartbeat!

   Since I mentioned exercise I have to confess, I have fallen off of the wagon! Since the kids got out of school I have not found a routine that works! I have not gone for a run in weeks. AND I have put on about 6 pounds. This week I have been really working on eating well and my plan is to start my 5k training program again next week. I probably wont be able to drop all of the extra weight (and the 5 more I wanted to lose) by the transfer, but I will be back on a healthier path. These damn kids make it so hard to eat good, especially when we are on the go so much! They are not going to be happy when we are packing lunches for our trips next week! hehe! The encouraging part is that I know what I need to do to start losing again and I know that I am capable of doing it. Plus the way I was eating is much healthier for the pregnancy as well. Now I have not gone completely back to old habits, we have just been eating out a lot and I have seriously been craving carbs. Ok, and ice cream! Damnit!! Its so hot here and I love ice cream!! To help me stay on track I made a trip to the farmers market and stocked up on fresh produce. I have learned that if I am going to stay faithful to my eating plan I cannot have other stuff in the house. If I think that I have to actually leave the house and drive 15+ minutes to get junk, I usually change my mind. It is so true that change in your schedule can really set you back! Normally I would drop Noah off, run come home eat breakfast, do homework, make lunch pick Noah up, make dinner. It worked. Now I struggle with if I take him on a run it will suck pushing the stroller (it scares my dog a little) and if I don't go early it is too hot. All of these decisions usually leave me sitting on my ass. We have been kayaking quite a bit, but I don't feel like I am doing as much as when I bust my ass on a run. I have prepares to take it easier when I am pregnant, but until then I need to push  myself. I guess putting it in writing make me feel more accountable! I know I feel good when I break a sweat regularly and I have to make the time to do it!

  That is about all the news for now, hopefully more good results next week!

one step closer

    The past couple of weeks have been pretty hectic for us. The kids and I went to the coast for 4 days with my mom and brothers to celebrate my moms birthday. It was great and the weather was beautiful! We had a lot of fun, but it was a little sad too, that was the weekend I was planning to start taking pregnancy tests to see if our transfer had worked, but no such luck since it was cancelled. But, I did not have much time to feel sorry about myself for  the set back. I had stopped birth control on Thursday and HRC had said to expect my period that weekend, but I was doubtful since stopping bc did not work last time. But it came just as they had predicted. We got home from our trip around 8 pm Monday and were on the road to Roseville for my first monitoring appointment by 7 am Tuesday. The appointment went well and I fully expected to hear from HRC that I could start meds, but I heard NOTHING from them! I was irritated to say the least. I was worried that starting my meds late would delay the July 23 transfer and we would be set back AGAIN! After some back up from my IPS I got some lame excuse from the DR about not getting the test results and not being able to get ahold of the monitoring clinic after hours (really? they expected to reach them after hours??) BUT I got the ok to start meds.
   I was excited to be going forward again. This whole journey has been full of ups and downs, two steps forward and one step back! I was getting scared about the HUGE needle that my husband was going to be stabbing into me. To make it worse, I am super OCD about making sure that all of the medications are done PERFECT and everything is written down. So I organized all of the meds into 2 pill boxes and then organized the syringes and needles. That was a big oh shit moment! There are soooo many pills and the needles really are BIG! I took the pills and it is a lot, but really no big deal other than remembering to take my night pills. Then it was time for the shot. I procrastinated as much as humanly possible and finally got everything together. I used a super size 18 gauge needle to draw the meds and then switched to a 22 gauge that is 1 1/2 inches long. Now to some that might not sound big but when you consider that it is NOT a medical professional that is jamming that needle into my hip IT IS HUGE! When my poor husband saw the syringe he was even a little nervous, but he HAD to do it, I don't think there is any way I could have! So I iced my hip so it didn't hurt as bad and got my phone all set up to record and just as George was getting ready to go I took a lovely picture of my butt instead of starting the video, so I was able to delay another minute!! I finally got the camera all figured out and it was go time..... I barely felt a poke. In the video I actually have to ask if it is in. The estrogen that we are injecting is in a castor oil base so it is really thick and we have to go really slow. But once again I barely felt the injection at all. Now I am not sure that I am ready to do it myself, but I will have to in a couple of weeks when George is out of town! After he removed the needle I applied a rice heating pad and rubbed the injection site to help distribute the medication and reduce knots. The rice heating pad is a sleeve filled with rice and lavender, it is designed to be used around the neck as a relaxation tool. You heat it in the microwave until it is the desired temperature, so its super easy. I chose this over the heating pad because the heat is a little more moist than a heating pad and I can still move around with it on. That was important because we had a barbeque for my mom on Thursday and I was busy making cheesecake filled chocolate dipped strawberries and cupcakes!  So in all honesty the worst part of the BIG shot was the anticipation. I only do these injections once every 3 days so it is not bad at all.
   I have another monitoring appointment on Tuesday to make sure my uterine lining is thickening well and everything looks good, they will also determine if any dosage changes are required. But so far so good and hopefully by the end of the month I will be pregnant! I also have to mention how impressed with the monitoring clinic I am. I do not enjoy the 3 hour drive each way, but the staff really is friendly and the actual appointment goes very quick with little waiting. I took Kaylee in with me, she is my doctor in training, and they were so good with her. They let her watch as they drew my blood and explained to her that I have little veins so they use a special needle on me. Then for the ultrasound the nurse practioner came in and introduced herself to Kaylee and then me. During the ultrasound she made a special point to explain to Kaylee what she was looking at. It was basically " see that thing that looks like a pear? That is your mom's uterus, that is will the baby will grow. Those circles are the ovaries, that is where the eggs come from". I was really impressed that they took the time to explain everything to my 10 year old.
   I am so relieved that we are moving right as scheduled this time! I found a website that calculates due dates with IVF and according to that, with a July 23rd 5day transfer I will be due April 10th, 2014. That is right after Kimberly's birthday, That is actually a pretty good time because I will deliver before it gets really hot (it has hit 115 this last week here) and it is not too far into my camping season so I will still be able to enjoy my summer! The down fall is that it is only a month into my second practicum, but I am thinking of only doing one site so that it will not be a big deal and I plan on missing as little time as possible. So incase you are not all up to date on IVF terms, 5dt is a 5 day transfer, meaning that the embryo was fertilized and has been growing for 5 days, In our case that happened in June and the embryo was then frozen to wait for my uterus to be cooperative. We are all really hoping for ONE really healthy baby, but what happens is when the embryos are thawed the RE will look at their quality. If they are not of the best quality they may transfer more than one in hopes that one takes. If that happens there is a possibility of both taking and having twins. Now that would not be the end of the world, but it would definitely slow me down more than I would like so please pray for us to have ONE healthy embie that results in ONE healthy baby for my IPS. We have 18 days of prayer to ensure that God hears us!
   I have been getting a lot of questions lately about how I will be able to give the baby away and even though I am not pregnant yet I KNOW the answer, it is not mine to keep! It feels like getting someone you love that perfect gift that you know will mean the world to them. My pay off will be getting to witness these two amazing people that I was matched with seeing their baby that they have wanted for so long for the first time. I know I have said it before, but the match with these IPs could not have been more perfect. We really have so much in common. It really is a beautiful process to see this relationship evolve. It is hard to imagine that just a few months ago I had no idea whose baby I would be carrying and now I have new family members! They have showed me several times over the past few months that they are going through this process WITH me. I have heard horror stories of surros that never meet their IPS aside from the match meeting. They do not attend the delivery, just get handed the baby at the end. I cannot imagine not sharing that process with my IPs. This is THEIR pregnancy, it just happens that it is going to be in my body. I am so appreciative of them and that they are willing to have a relationship, not just with me, but my whole family. Even though my kids have not met them in person yet, they talk about them and ask questions and plan for meeting them. I think that that part is so important, especially for us. Since most of my kids are older, they fully understand the pregnancy process and they will see my belly grow and feel the baby move. I think having a good relationship with our IPs will make it a seemless transition for them when we go from me being pregnant to our IPs taking the baby home.
   So now I have to share my proud mommy moment. There are so many times that I doubt I am doing things right with my kids. I keep them alive, but they drive me nuts. Noah is well...... Noah and the girls can be so sassy and fight non stop. But every now and then I get a little glimpse of the good people my children are turning out to be. So the girls and I were discussing the Supreme Courts ruling to dismiss proposition 8 and to recognize same sex marriage and what that meant in terms of our religion. Kimberly said it perfectly. Basically it was this: we were taught that God created ALL of us and makes not mistakes. Homosexuality is NOT a choice, so if God really did not want there to be gay people he would not have made them this way. This makes me so proud! I know that not every Christian agrees with this point of view, even some people very close to me will argue this point, but I am proud to say that my children are learning LOVE and ACCEPTANCE in Gods name. Who could ask for more? Who could really say that that is wrong? I still stand by my belief that God wants us to love one another above all else. It is not up to us to judge. When faced with confrontations from those who have more conservative beliefs than I do, I always consider this, what if choosing to love and accept those that live differently than I do is a test of not only my compassion for others but my obedience to Gods word? What if it is a test of love thy neighbor? Would you pass? I may not be the poster Christian, I drink (a little), I swear like a sailor, I have sinned.....A LOT, I don't spend hours in the Bible and I don't sit in church EVERY Sunday. But I believe and trust in God, I have an undisputable testimony of what He has done in my life and I feel his guidance in my decisions. My children and I are baptized in His name and overall try to lead a life that brings glory to His name. It is my hope that when people look at my family they will not see the hypocritical, judgmental people that some Christians have a reputation of being. I would hope that they will see good people that have a love for God and standing up for what is right, even if it means taking the road less traveled.    I have restored confidence that aside from typical shittyness of teenagers (especially girls) I am doing a good job raising good people!  I love seeing how much understanding of true love for others my choice to be a surrogate is teaching them. They see me sacrifice and go through discomfort for the benefit of other people. They are learning about different cultures and have an interest in different countries, they are learning that there is more than what we see in our tiny little town, and that make me proud! So I will leave you with a picture of my daily medication regimen and the video of my first estrogen shot.

Change of Plans

   So today is when I was supposed to be getting everything in order to leave for Pasadena on Saturday and transfer either Sunday or Tuesday. That has now changed. Due to my delayed cycle we are not able to transfer until July 23. This has been a blessing in disguise. While I am disappointed that we have to wait another month, this allows me to spend a weekend at the coast with my mom and brothers without restrictions. This is also allowing me to attend the last week of my couples therapy class. I was worried about missing 2 classes and then taking the final early. I am returning from the coast on July1st and will drive to Roseville for my first monitoring appointment of this cycle on July 2nd. At this appointment they will do blood work and an ultrasound, if everything looks good I will start the BIG shots and all of the prenatal vitamins and hormone pills. This cycle is a little different because we will be transferring a frozen embryo rather than a fresh one so I do not have to do the Lupron shots. Those were the easy ones! I am a little nervous about starting with the big ones this time, but they are only once every 3 days.
   This month has been very busy for us. The kids got out of school on the 13th and Kimberly graduated 8th grade on the 14th. I am attaching some pictures of her from Graduation, she was so beautiful. It makes me so sad to think that I have a baby in high school! The afternoon after her graduation she left to go on a houseboat for the weekend with church (poor thing!). Noah turned 3 on the 16th so I spent my "extra" time making a tractor cake and preparing for my in laws to arrive on Saturday. It was not a restful weekend at all!! This one coming up does not look so hot either. With this being my last week in this class I have a lot of assignments to work on, a lot of reading and a final to try to prepare for.  Sometimes I wonder how in the world I am going to manage another year of this! We are having speakers come into our classes now to talk to us about doing practicums at their sites. It is scary to think that in September I will start doing therapy on REAL people. God, I hope I don't mess anyone up!! Well, that is all there is for now. I'll update again in a few weeks after my appointment and hopefully it is good news of moving forward!

another appointment

And the word of the day is FRUSTRATION! I did not get to start the additional medication as planned yesterday. Just a little warning, this post may be a little TMI for some, but it is the reality of what is going on and a part of the journey. That being said let me take you back about 4 1/2 years, I did not like to take birth control pills and since I was in a monogamous relationship, I was looking for another form of birth control. I had an IUD before and after I had Kaylee so I decided to go with that. AT the appointment to get it placed the doctor told me about Mirena, a, IUD that had a small dose of hormones and it was likely that I would not have periods with it! Umm yes please!! So that is what I chose and true to her word, I did not have periods. In January at my medical screening the doctor at the fertility clinic removed my IUD and put me on birth control pills. I had a 3 day period in February and nothing in March. Knowing my terrible luck, I took a pregnancy test, which of course was negative. After chatting with some other lovely surros I found out that it was pretty common to have this happen and not to be alarmed. April came and went, still no period so I contacted HRC ( the fertility clinic) to let them know, I was assured that it was no big deal and to continue on the pill as directed. Again in May, no period! At this point we were close to the start of meds so I was instructed not to start a new birth control pack until I started my period, this was 11th or so, no surprise here, I did not get a period. When I got my calendar and treatment plan getting ready for transfer I reminded the nurse that I was not on bc or having periods and was told just to let her know when I start. Last week after my monitoring appointment the nurse at HRC emailed saying that they anticipated me starting my period soon and to let her know when it happened. Guess what? It did not happen!
     So this week while at my monitoring appointment the doctor doing the ultrasound told me that I need to have a fresh lining to do the transfer and that she anticipated that HRC would give me some medication to make my get my period. The response that I got from HRC was more or less: " you cannot start the next medication regimen because your hormone level was too high, we will recheck next week, let us know  if you start your period". My concern is that they did not want to induce menstruation so that I can grow a new lining. Transfer is supposed to happen in 2 weeks! I have a feeling that if I don't have a period by next week the transfer will be canceled or delayed! Now, I am not a doctor, and no one has actually said that, but it makes sense to me that if I need a fresh lining and the one I have is holding tight I cannot transfer. Of course I go through every scenario of why my body is not cooperating, I had a couple of drinks (3) over the last two months, maybe it is from my weight loss, maybe it is from the stress of this process and school and kids, maybe I am not praying enough, maybe I am not eating well enough. I have seriously thought of EVERY possibility and everything I MUST have done wrong. Now logically I know this is not true. I have been very careful to do EXACTLY what I have been instructed to do. I know that I cannot control the timing or my body. I know that transfers get delayed all of the time but it is still upsetting. I begin to doubt myself, Maybe my IPs will decide to use another surrogate, maybe I can't be a surrogate at all and there is some bigger underlying issue that was missed through the tests I did before and then maybe I am just hormonal and it is not a big deal. Maybe I will start soon and be back on track next week. It is frustrating to think that my messed up body could ruin our chance to transfer this month. I know that I have no control in this situation and maybe that is what is frustrating. I know that I have to trust God's timing and the clinic ability to do their job well but today, I am feeling defeated by my own body. Hopefully next weeks appointment will bring better news. As for me I am looking at every natural possibility out there to get my period started. I will be eating lots of parsley and choking down papaya and mangoes in hopes that I can help things along. I cannot take herbal remedies unless the doctor gives his ok, but adding these foods should not be a problem. Well, except for the fact that I am so picky and I have never eaten a papaya and mangoes are nasty and slimey and smell like a pine tree. This better work!!
   My goal now is to try to stay positive and not get discouraged. I know that it does not help and that none of this is within my control. If we have to wait another month then I guess there is a reason for that. I really hope that things work out and we keep our schedule though. I am finding that every stage of this journey has it's challenges. I still do not doubt my decision to become a surrogate though. This is so for me. I always new I was meant to have babies and knowing that I am helping to create a family for two people  that are going to make such wonderful parents makes all of this headache worth it. Will I still cry that things aren't going like I want them to? Yes. Will I whine that I have to drive 3 hours one way for a 20 minute appointment that I could most likely have done here in Redding? Probably. Will I pout at some of the restrictions? Likely. But in the end I know in my heart that this is what I am supposed to do and that it will all be worth it in the end.

aaaah!! Shots!

   So this update began at church this Sunday. I battle back and forth on if there is ANY possible way that this surrogacy could not be seen as biblical. This week, as with many others, the sermon was designed just for me! It was on telling your story about what God had done in your life. He said that this is what inspires others to believe, when they see miracles in the lives of people they know and love. Well, he also said that these testimonies are often seen by others as crazy! If we look back through the bible there are many "crazy" testimonies; talking burning bushes, water turned to blood, the blind given sight ect. This made so much sense to me! My testimony is for sure crazy! I wanted a baby, prayed for a baby and was given a baby with no pregnancy or delivery. Then I felt called to give that gift to another family. I was guided to chose THESE IP's, and now the medical process has started and in a month their baby will be transferred into my uterus for me to care for and nurture until delivering it into their arms. It doesn't get much crazier than that! This sermon was another affirmation that I am carrying out God's will by doing this.
  Fast forward to Monday morning. My first monitoring appointment in Roseville (3 hours away) was at 10:45, now I am known to occasionally get lost and panic in traffic, so Kimberly and I left at 7:15 to make sure that we were there on time. We had to make a few stops, I NEEDED coffee, Kimberly forgot deodorant so I had to buy her some and because of the coffee and my bladder that is the size of a peanut we had to check out every rest area along I5! There really was not much traffic once we reached Sacramento and we arrived 30 minutes early so we had a snack and headed in. We didn't wait long before I was called back for the blood draw. Kimberly has a fear of needles so she covered her eyes as they drew 2 vials of blood. Then we were sent back to the waiting room to wait for the ultrasound. Maybe 15 minutes later we were back getting checked out. My uterus lining was 7mm and I had 3 follicles on one side and 5 on the other. So what does that mean??  I have no idea!
   Since we were so close we decided to check out the Galleria mall, it is MUCH bigger than our mall!! We spent hours checking out all of the stores, it was a lot of fun and I didn't even spend any money! I left with only my free Victoria's Secret panties! Ok and some chocolate from Sees! Kimberly did not want to eat at any of the places in the mall so we were going to stop in Woodland since I am more familiar with the area there. Well, I have NO navigation skills so I have to rely on mapquest on my Iphone to get me where I need to be. There were a lot of turns to get to the mall so I didn't think anything when I didn't recognize anything. Then it told me to continue on this road 20-something miles. I knew that was not how we got there!! Turns out my lovely GPS decided that I needed to go home a different way! I was quite panicked! George had taken me to Sacramento this way once, but I was not familiar with any of it and I was hungry and there was nothing but FIELDS!! Thank God for my Sees candy! Ok, I did pack a bunch of fruits and veggies but that is NOT what I wanted! Once we made it to Marysville my poor daughter had been exposed to a wide variety of old and newly made up swear words! ( swearing is one of my many vices )  As we finally found Burger King ( which is what I had my mind made up that I wanted to eat) and I rolled my window down to order, there were church bells ringing!! Kimberly thought this was HILARIOUS. She told me it was God telling me to stop swearing, then she said "I'm calling Grandma!" haha! So we took the LOOONG scenic route (without bathrooms) home.
   On the way home I got the email from the nurse at HRC saying that everything looked good and I was to start the Lupron injections that evening. That made me a little nervous, who really WANTS to stab themselves with a needle? When I picked Kaylee up I told her that we would do the shot at 9:00, so of course she watched the clock like a hawk! 1 hour mom, 30 minutes mom, 10 minutes.... it's time!! I got everything ready and Kimberly got my phone ready to video as Kaylee watched. I decided I was not going to drag it out, just do it, so I quickly stabbed the needle in. To my surprise I felt NOTHING! No, pinch or poke, no burning. Nothing! Now me being as technologically challenged as I am, somehow I deleted the video of the injection I was going to share!Kaylee is going to do the injection tonight so we will video that and attach it before I post this update.
   So what now? I continue the Lupron injections until next Thursday when I have my next monitoring appointment. At that appointment they will decide if I am ready to start Estridol/ Delestrogen injections, Estrace tablets, prenatal vitamins, folate supplements, DHA supplements, Baby aspirin and   possibly reduce the amount of Lupron I am injecting daily. Oh man that is going to be a lot! These injections are the BIG ones that will go into my hip, I am quite nervous about those!! That's if for this week, more to come after my appointment next week !

Here We Go!

It has been a quiet couple of weeks awaiting my appointment to start medication Monday. There has been a lot going on with school and the kids. Kaylee had to do her project on the California missions, it was very painful to let her do it and not take over and make it perfect! She was a little bummed when she went to class and many kids had projects that their parents very obviously had done, but someone gave her a complement on hers and she was so proud to be able to say that she had done most of the work. I pretty much did nothing other than run the hot glue gun and help her put on the horrendous plaster of Paris ( which I will NEVER touch again). Then Kimberly got braces, she was really excited to get them on but they were a little uncomfortable this morning. She is preparing to graduate 8th grade next month and then leave for camp out on a house boat with church. She graduates at 10 am and leaves for camp at 2 pm the same day! She is going to have so much fun. I am so grateful to have found a church that is so much fun for my kids to be a part of.
  Now surrogacy related... I am scheduled to go to Roseville for my first appointment Monday morning (almost 3 hours away). I was thinking that they would either give me all of the medication there, or maybe it was sent after the appointment when they got all of my results. I learned from another surrogate that they should have been sent to me right after we got our calendar!! Needless to say I panicked a little. 11 pm and I was emailing the clinic and sent them another email in the morning as well. Turns out my meds were somehow not ordered! Thank God the pharmacy is fast! They packaged and shipped them over night and they arrived this morning. When they were delivered I was pleasantly surprised at the small little box! Much less than I expected. Then I opened it.... it was like a jack in the box, there is sooo much in there! I really had an oh shit moment when I started looking at the syringes, it is real now. I am doing this. In just a few days I will be starting injections and in a month we will transfer. I am still quite nervous about the "big" shots but I don't start them for a few more weeks. It was a little scary to see the needles. Those things are BIG! I just keep telling myself that the shots are temporary and for a good cause. I know that I am imagining it to be much worse than it is actually going to be! I will update more after my appointment but today I will leave you with a shot of all of the medication I will be taking over the next month... OMG!

Moving along

     First off, I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my blog. I really appreciate all of the questions and comments I get from people. I am really excited to share my story of the surrogacy process with others. There are so many negative stories that are out there that the good ones get forgotten. I have to say though, when I looked and saw how many page views I had I wanted to throw up a little. To think that I am sharing my thoughts with so many people is a little intimidating, but the fact that people are reading this encourages me to continue. So thank you!
     If you asked someone to describe me patient would NOT be a characteristic they would assign to me. This whole process from day one had been very trying. Ok, the initial application and interview were pretty quick but after that every step has taken FOREVER!!! Now, my logical brain totally understands that everything has to be in order and every t crossed and i dotted but my emotional brain doesn't care!! I want to do this NOW! From the interview to the screening was almost 2 months, then another month for clearance. Then a week or so before profiles and over a month until a match meeting. SOOOO SLOW!! Hopefully I will learn to be more patient by the end! But we have progress. We got our legal clearance on May 3rd and we got a calendar today! No, not a calendar for decoration, a calendar that says I go for my first monitoring appointment on May 27th and then start meds. Then off to Pasadena on June 22 to transfer either June 23 or 25. Now lots of biological crap can change those dates but it is still exciting to know the time is coming!
   Knowing that I may be pregnant in less than 2 months has sparked a little panic. I have this urge to exercise A LOT, which is not really bad. My first thought when I got the calendar though was "oh, shit! I need a drink, or a lot of drinks"! Now this is funny because in the last 6 months I have had half a beer and a strawberry daiquiri. I can probably count the alcoholic drinks I have had in the last year on one hand! The last time I drank heavily was almost 4 years ago. I have no idea why that was my first concern but even I had to laugh at it! I have been trying to wean myself off of caffeine for a while now. Yesterday I realized  that I am kind of sucking at that! I had a cup of coffee 2 teas and a diet soda. I am in search of a tea with no calories, no caffeine that tastes good. I usually drink diet peach or rasberry Snapple, so any ideas would be appreciated!I could totally do without soda but there is no way I would drink nothing but water. Other than that I don't have too many unhealthy habits left!
   The next month is super busy for us as the school year winds down and I prepare for my baby to graduate 8th grade ;(. I cannot believe I am that old!! Anyway, I am hopeful that all of the events will make the waiting easier and make it feel like no time at all. It is pretty amazing to think that by this time next year our IPs will most likely be holding THEIR baby! Now there are all sorts of things that could prolong the process, but I am hopeful that everything will go smoothly.
    I will also be starting my practicum in September. I am hoping that being pregnant will not interfere with that process. I will do a total of 2 practicums. The first one is 6 months. I don't foresee there being an issue with that one at all. Therapists get pregnant all of the time. It is the second one I am a little concerned about.  It may fall to where I deliver in the middle of it! I really hope that it is still not an issue. I really plan on taking as little time as possible off. This is the part where I trust God to guide me and put me where I need to be. I am confident it will all work out.
   I am sure you are all sick of hearing it, but I am so grateful for my family. I do not know many people who would move into my home for days at a time to make sure that my kids and my dogs stay on schedule. But my mom does it when ever I need her too. This can be bad though, because I feel like she goes so far above and beyond by doing this that I don't ask her to babysit really any other time, except occasionally for school. This means no dates for the hubby and I :( Now, there are other people I could ask, I am sure, but it is so much easier when you leave your quirky kid with people who know them and their issues well. Then there is my husband. He has stood by my side and supported me through not one, but TWO college degrees, allowed me to be able to quit my job and then chose to support me through this process as well. He has had to miss work and deal with my rants when things don't go as I want them to. He listens to a ton of stuff I am sure he couldn't care less about. And he will also be the lucky one to stab a 41/2 inch needle into my ass so I better be nice to him!! I am grateful for my cohort at school. Not every surrogate has a group of therapists to talk to twice a week for free! Ok, not for free, school is expensive :) But they are great. So many different views and perspectives. I am grateful for the few friends that I have that I know I could call on if I needed anything. I don't see any of them regularly, but I know they are still there. I am also grateful for my kids and their open minds and curiosity. I am surprised at some of the questions they ask. They put a lot of thought into this process and learning bout what is going to happen to us and learning all about our IPS. And I am especially grateful for our IP's. I had no idea idea when the agency said that they try to match our personalities that they would do such an amazing job! It's like having best friends that are REALLY far away. There are seriously times that my husband has not wanted to hear about something, mostly Grey's Anatomy, ( I know, who doesn't want to hear about Grey's?) where he has told me to email my IP instead. I really didn't know what to expect. I have heard so many stories about so many different kinds of relationships with IP's  and I am grateful that the agency brought me together with ones that are perfect for us.
   This is such an amazing process with so many emotions and experiences. I am so happy that I chose to follow my hear and do this. I can't wait for the next step!